Audio version. Can you hear my Manischewitz?
Question: How has being a mother changed your relationship with your spouse?
My husband and I were a great childless couple. We got each other. We loved each other. We didn’t fight. We never fought. There was just nothing to argue about. Having kids made all the love feelings stronger in a lot of ways— seeing this child, these children, that we created. Mentally, I felt super close to him. We still didn’t have many reasons to argue because we were very much on the same page about things; if one of us felt strongly about something about the kids it was usually me and he was pretty much always ready to back me up. That being said, and I say this understanding that my parents will read this, the physical closeness basically disappeared. Being climbed all over all day by these tiny people made me feel incredibly like— please don’t touch me— in fact don’t come anywhere near me— basically don’t bother looking at me. Now that our oldest is almost 8 and our youngest is almost 3 I finally, finally feel like I’m okay if we maybe hold hands. Sometimes.
Just to illustrate I want you to see some photos from before kids:
Look what happened almost immediately after our first was born:
And these days?
And that’s if I’m not straight up:
BUT as with everything related to motherhood so far it’s complicated:
Moms notice the positive impact of children on their relationships: they appreciate their spouses; they value them; they love seeing them in a new role; their relationship is deeper; they communicate more. I full on agree with these. Moms notice the negative impact of children on their relationships too: more criticism; things are less equal; they have less alone time; they only talk about their kids; they never have sex; it’s less fun; it’s more effort. I full on agree with these too. Like everything in life and motherhood, it’s complicated.
The answers:
1. Um, we definitely spend less alone time together. And most of the conversation revolves around our child.
2. In some ways its definitely deeper and it’s better but it isn’t as much fun and I know that’s fairly obvious. A childless person could probably tell you that a child makes your relationship less fun but— it definitely does. It’s less sparkly.
3. More patient. More compromise. More effort to give him the attention and each other the attention that we need. And more accepting.
4. Honestly, it’s hard to sort of remember. I do remember the first time I went on a business trip when my oldest was about 6 months old. I went back to work when she was 4 months old and I was freaking out. I pumped and everything was ready and of course she was still waking up in the middle of the night because, as you recall, she didn’t have a chance— from one story ago— she had no chance. I went on this business trip and I think it was all of three days and I got back and he was so much more competent. Like, she survived and I was calling and he was so much more competent and my life got better because he was so much more comfortable and I was like: God I should have gone on that business trip a long time ago.
5. It’s good. I think. I really like my husband. I would say, as probably every couple does, you go into it not really knowing what to expect, like, none of our friends had kids, we were pretty young, we did it because I wanted it— I was ready. I would say it surprised both of us in how much we love it. Because again, neither of us were, like, kid people. So I think it’s been really good. I just love watching him with the kids; he’s just so devoted. I mean— on Saturdays and Sundays. When he’s not working. But like, I think I always— we always have conversations— well, not always, but sometimes I’ll say it’s so fascinating to me on a weekend if I’m going away to see a friend or whatever he is just looking forward to that weekend for weeks and weeks because he just wants his time with the kids. So he’s the dad and he’s gonna be the one that’s for them if they need anything and all that kind of stuff. For me, if he’s going away for the weekend, I want to get a babysitter so I can go out one night or whatever— it doesn’t really change or affect my life in any way but he just loves it so much. So I would say it’s really good. And I think part of it is, because he’s not there during the week, he’s just so ultra-supportive of anything I need as a mom. He’s so outward with saying, like, “being a mom must be the hardest thing ever,” you know, “being you must be really hard; I don’t know how you do it.” And he acknowledges it all the time and I think that’s so nice that he doesn’t take anything for granted and just is very recognizing of the situation that our family is in. But really our family is just the light of his life and it’s really cute to see. So I would say it’s good. And we’re both very committed still to each other and making sure we do date nights all the time or go away for the weekend or that kind of thing. We’re on the same page about it. So I’d say it’s really good. It’s just been really positive. You know we thought it was great before kids and then you have kids and you just don’t realize how great it can be.
Let me back track for a minute. Just to clarify. It’s not like, you know, I don’t want to give people this impression, if they’re reading it, that he’s like the ultimate stay-at-home dad who is so involved— like—no. He’s not around very much at all. But I think that the way that it worked for us is— because he’s not around, and because he’s recognizing, and also willing to take a new job so that he can be around more or is always like, “get more childcare if you need more childcare; do this for yourself; do that” just to show that being a mom is really hard. But I don’t want people to think that it’s like this perfect world. He feels bad because he’s not around during the week and— whatever— but I do think it also brings out the best in his personality that, at heart, he really cares; he just wants us all to be happy so that he’ll do whatever and the minute if I said anything about “I’m not happy” or “you should leave your job” he would do it. But it’s not— I wouldn’t want people to think, oh my God her husband is the most perfect person and always around. I mean— of course. I hate when people paint a picture like everything is so perfect and blah blah blah. It’s not. But it’s a situation that works for us. There’s no resentment. There’s no— of course he doesn’t do his share but I don’t need him to do his share. Honestly I’d rather do it— I don’t need him to try to do drop off one day, like, I don’t need him to do that. I’m fine. It wouldn’t go well anyway.
6. I think when you’re a couple with someone lack of compromise isn’t that— or— compromise isn’t as hard when it’s just between two people I think. My husband and I were raised pretty differently I would say— not in a bad way— but he’s a child of divorced parents. There’s not a lot of family activity there on his mom’s side and I was always in a room with like 30 cousins at any given time. I think that now the decisions that we make together are more about what we want for our kids and not necessarily what I would care about for myself. So I’ll give you an example. This is pretty personal: my husband is type A 100%. There’s this personality test you can take it’s called the DISC and basically there’s 4 components D-I-S-C and the Ds are supposed to be— D is for dominant and you’re type A, relentless people and he is basically the highest D that there is in the scale. And as a result of that these people tend to be very abrasive. They have no room for compromise and it’s like— this is the way it is and I don’t care what you think kind of thing. And when we were together I was like alright, I don’t care. But now I find well, okay, this is what you think and I know that you feel this way but I feel differently. And my conviction to how this is going to affect our kids— now I’m forced to reckon with it. Now we really have to deal with it. And I think this was more of a challenge earlier on when we first starting to be parents. It was harder because before it was like whatever : laissez faire, let’s do whatever, I don’t care. And now I’m a little bit more, like, committed to how my kids are going to end up. So we got into a little bit of butting heads— clashing on things— and it’s forced us to be better communicators. And it was a learning process. We had some times where I was like I can’t. I’m outta here. This is not good for the kids. I don’t want this. But actually because we are totally committed to being— again he’s a child of divorced parents— we both knew early on this is it: we are not getting a divorce. I do not care what happens we are sticking it out, and because of that commitment we have stuck out these very, very trying times that we’ve had where we couldn’t compromise and we didn’t know how to communicate. It’s improved; we communicate better now. It’s not perfect; we still argue, but it’s in the right direction. You have to. Otherwise if you know you can get out of it there’s nothing making you try harder. I don’t know.
7. What relationship? No. I mean I think it’s amazing because we’re very much a team now and I think it’s very much cliche. Obviously our conversations are no longer about the restaurants we want to try or the places we want to go to travel. If we’re talking about travel we’re talking about logistically what makes sense for the kids. We are always talking about the kids. I value him a lot more now for so many reasons. Just the basics that you take for granted probably before kids. The fact that I’m not having to worry about infidelity, the fact that I know that he wants the best for the kids. The fact that we’re on the same wavelength for our values and the values that we want to teach the kids and all of that strengthens the relationship, strengthens the closeness. It’s not like we, you know, have time to go on dates once a week or just the two of us; we don’t go on vacation without the kids. It’s definitely changed from that point of view and part of it’s just energy: who do I have time for? It is very much like a partnership for now and I think I’ve learned with time that none of this is permanent. So I really do believe that if you get through this, and assuming kids are fine and independent at some point, I think you can go back to that. I think you’ve got— there’ll be plenty of time later in life to— it’ll just be the two of us and I’m sure at that time we’ll be crying about having an empty nest.
I think it’s interesting, too, because as I talked about earlier when I was talking about reading the book, there’s probably more criticism now than there was before we had kids. Because before we had kids, I mean, we might bicker about little things like, “oh, I really was hoping you’d do this but you didn’t so I guess I’ll do it myself” type bickering whereas now I find myself, you know, as I read these books and as I touched upon earlier making these sacrifices, if he’s not doing the same, you know, or if he’s not putting the same level of effort or showing the same level of concern, you know, then I get upset about that. I’m like, well if I can make time for this then why can’t you? Don’t you care? And I think you learn with time that actually we show it and we do things in different ways; so for me I know that I’m gonna be the person worrying about: do their socks still fit and do they need new summer sandals and like, you know, he is not. But he is thinking about other things and thinking about forward planning and thinking about, you know, the admin and insurance things which I don’t. So I think you have to learn to operate as a team and know that one of you is going to be better at some things than others.
8. I love your questions. Well I think it’s different phases. So when they were a baby I think there’s a lot of fight because I always feel like I was doing more and because I was pregnant; he was not. So I know he was trying but he didn’t get hormone change, he didn’t deliver, go through the pain. I was so worried, like, is my kid breathing and he’s like, “yeah of course she’s breathing,” you know he’s worry free. So I think the first few years is always a struggle, you know, we’ll always have some moments but we figure it out I guess. That’s why we’re still together. And then later on as they grow older I definitely see my daughter is very a Daddy’s Girl even though my husband is not around a lot. But every time he came back or even when we talk online she always misses him; she’s always like Daddy, Daddy! So I can tell, you know, the Daddy figure is so important to help them build the character and everything. I think I lost track of your question.
So come back because I see his importance in their life so I start to appreciate the different role he’s playing. So maybe he’s not the caregiver, per se, because he’s not there. Even when he’s around, when he works in the city, he always came back late, you know, I can’t really depend on him for stuff. I can figure out the day to day ins and out but he is the one there to help them shape their character, be a Daddy figure. So then I start to appreciate that. I see that, appreciate that.
So now we’re sacrificing— maybe not a sacrifice going back to Shanghai— it’s a pretty good life. But we are making a big change for his career, his passion, and we’re willing to do that. I’m willing to do that for him, for the family. So I think we start to appreciate each other.
And also I think the fact that he’s been away I think it adds some value because you have to be of your own. I’m almost like a single parent but that help me, you know, learn— how do I handle different situations? I can pretty much run this ship now. In a sense it’s also good that I’m the boss; I can just make the decision. It can’t be even I don’t even ask for that anymore.
9. I rely on him so much more than I did before, for so much more. Just like, making sure things get done for the kids. I don’t even know how people do it by themselves— I just rely on him so much.
10. Well there’s a lot less personal time. I think that because we were also both working and because one of us at least is on the impatient side, I think that it can lead to some tension. People get tired and they get fatigued. And I do too; we’re both guilty of that. And you can kind of take it out on each other a little bit more easily, get more easily frustrated. I think there’s definitely that. And I think there’s definitely less romantic time too, so that can be a problem.
But it’s interesting because there’s also the other side of it, which is that I get to see him as a dad now. I think he gets to be a little bit more 3-dimensional. I get to see this other side of him and he— he was always playful around me too, singing and laughing, and my husband definitely is a very witty person and he also has a very high threshold for being playful. And that takes a lot of forms. And sometimes that’s with us, with my son and me; and sometimes it’s apart from us. My husband is definitely someone who needs a lot of personal down time just to be alone. So we kind of do struggle with that and I don’t know if there is such a thing as a balance. I don’t think there is. In our house it’s definitely much more like a seesaw that goes up and down. There’s never a point where the fulcrum is completely equal, where it feels totally harmonious. There’s days where it’s definitely tilting too much in the me and our son direction and maybe other days I feel like my husband is putting maybe a little too much time into himself, to be honest. But I think it’s interesting to see him as a parent. And I like seeing him as a dad. And sometimes I look at him and I see him being a dad and I think to myself: okay so when he gets a little bit short with me I can pull back and say okay that’s alright I get where he’s at he’s just tried. And so I think it makes you a little bit more tolerant of your spouse’s idiosyncrasies.
It also can be a strain. It’s both. There’s a positive side and there’s definitely a drawback side, and we’re definitely finding our way. Always just finding our way. And sometimes having a child brings out those differences a little bit more. For my husband, an ideal vacation is going to an all-inclusive resort like we just did, and that was fun. For me, because we’re a family now, it’s got a different dynamic; I like to do the tours. I like history. I want our son to be exposed to different cultures, different histories. I love that kind of vacation and so sometimes we have to take turns at which one wins out and usually we find a blend. Usually we do one a year that’s more all-inclusive and one that’s more history-based. In both those contexts we try to find things that our son will like too.
We definitely have our good moments and we definitely have our frustrated moments with each other. And that is exacerbated when you have a child. That’s just a reality. I think that’s a practical reality for all, you know, adults. Whether both partners are working or not I think there’s going to be tensions and frustrations that build up that each doesn’t know the other has had. I think the key is you just have to try to keep the lines of communication as open as possible so you don’t wait for a small problem to build up into a big one. And that’s never been a forte for me. And that’s a skill that I have to work on: not letting the little things that happen during the day build up into something bigger. I work on that. I’m not fully there yet. It’s definitely a struggle point for me.
Because we are different people we have different values. My husband and I grew up differently, different backgrounds. I mean, some similarities: we’re the same religion, and some similar values and some different values. And different interests. We have some things in common and some things not. My husband is great at sports. I’m not great at sports. I like certain sports. I like gymnastics; I like tennis. Lately I like soccer. And that’s one thing that we both started to like together is soccer. My husband loves soccer and I didn’t know that. So we kind of discovered that through being a family. We’re watching soccer now together. Things like that. I try to find— even where there’s differences— try to find the points where we have something in common.
I will never like football. I will never follow football. My brain does not understand; I don’t comprehend football. There’s something about it that completely eludes me. But soccer I get. And then we get our son watching it with us and we get excited and we watch it together. So I try to do that. Sometimes when I communicate with my husband I try to use sports analogies. I try to talk to him in his language. Men and women fundamentally communicate in different ways, I find. So I do try to find ways to communicate better but there’s definitely going to be moments where there’s friction and there are going to be arguments that come up. And I hate arguing; I hate it with a passion. And I hate yelling; I’m an anti-yeller. In his family there was yelling. He grew up with that. And to me, that’s the new form of hitting; I look at that like the new form of hitting. And so I try not to yell when he and I are arguing. But every once and a while you do lose it. And it’s going to happen.
11. So I married my best friend, so we were always a team player. I just found out a very different side of him that I always thought of him as a go-getter, somebody who wants— like, you know, I’ve never seen the softer part of him. That he can be vulnerable. When a child is sick, or the child wants something he really wants to do something for the kid. I’d never seen that side of him.
12. Mom: To me, my husband and I were only married a year; we got married in December and the following January she was born so it didn’t really change it. Because you’re pregnant nine months of that. So we sort of got married and started right away having a family. So our relationship really always involved three people. It was only after she left for college that we really started to really, you know, look at ourselves and our relationship and how to redefine it. I found we have a lot more in common than just: oh where does she have to be? And, you know, school things. And so it was nice to sort of have a natural point for us where we had to decide— what do we do now? We can’t go back all those years and do what we did then because that relationship was sort of an immature relationship; so we sort of had to define that again. Just the two of us and where we wanted to go.
Daughter: We were married for a long time before we had kids; we were married for five years. And I’m still in a little bit of a haze. So that my husband and I are like, what was it like before him? We know we went on trips— there’s pictures so that must’ve happened— But yeah, I think that it brought us closer in a lot of ways. When the baby was really little and colicky— not really colicky but he was crying a lot at night because that’s what newborns do— I remember thinking, saying to the baby, “you be nice, he’s a nice man. He’s a very nice man he’s getting up with you! Picking you up! Walking you around!” And I feel lucky. He is a really good father. But I knew that; I suspected as much. Or else I wouldn’t have wanted to— if I thought he was going to be lousy. No, but he’s great.
I think I feel lucky that we had— I mean there’s been a lot of stress and a lot of tears, you know, in learning how to take care of a baby. But we’ve also laughed a lot? We would laugh a lot at like, 3 AM or later when I would recount to him what had happened. Like once: he would wake up with a start, you know, when the baby was really little— less so now— but when he was really little we were both sleep-deprived and the baby would fall asleep on us and then we would move him into his crib. But sometimes my husband would wake with a start and say, “where’s the baby!?” Like we’d accidentally slept on top of him. I’d say, “he’s in his crib go back to sleep.” And once he woke up and he said, “oh where’s the baby?! Oh I got him” and I said, “No you’re holding a pillow” he said, “no, no I’m holding the baby” and I said, “no. No you’re holding a pillow.” So I feel like an element of the absurd has entered into our marriage for keeps now. We make up a lot of silly songs. We realize how absurd— like poopy diapers— how inappropriate they are in front of other people when they come into your house and you’re like [sings a song about poop] and you’re like: Oh! Oh there’s people here never mind. Keep that inside the family.
13. I don’t know if I’d say the relationship has fundamentally changed yet because it’s been such a short period of time but I definitely already feel like I’ve seen my husband in a different way— like in a capacity that I probably otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to see him. And I see him showing his love language now in a totally different way. Our son is going to be 12 tomorrow; he is fully capable of putting together his own snacks for camp. But, like, my husband does it every night. Just because that’s his love language. He likes acts of service. He wants to wash your dishes and put your snacks in a little bag for camp. So it’s been sweet to see that part of him in a different way.
14. Ha. That’s funny. I just got my husband a Father’s Day card that listed all the things that were “before” versus all the things that were “after” like: taking joy rides and then carpooling and sleeping in and being up at the crack of dawn— how things have changed. What was the actual question? I think we’re definitely at that stage with two little kids now that we don’t spend as much time as I would like just the two of us working on our relationship. It’s definitely much more about the kids right now. I think we do try and make time when we can but a large part of that too is babysitters and that kind of thing. Since we have our family that watches the kids during the week I feel guilty asking them to watch on weekends and that kind of thing. But I would say we still try and have a date night every— it ends up being once a month it seems like these days.
But it is interesting. I feel like we’ve definitely evolved and, like I said, he is so hands-on and I’m so appreciative of that because I see a lot of my friends’ husbands who are not that way and I just don’t know how they can do it. It’s such a team effort I think to raise children. I think I appreciate him, even though we don’t get the quality time so much, I still really appreciate him. And I think I appreciate him more than I did before now that I see what he does. And sometimes you have to stop and think about it. I would say less quality time but I do appreciate him more. And I do appreciate— when we do have a date night or something it’s that much better if that makes sense. And I also think we both really enjoy doing stuff as a family, which is nice, when we do both have time off at the same time.
15. That’s interesting. I think it’s made our relationship so much better because I really feel like we both appreciated each other in a different way. I never felt that sense of romance goes out the window. I don’t know if he would answer the same way. I never felt the sense of withdrawal of feeling like my relationship with my husband was so different now. And I don’t know if that’s necessarily because we worked hard on keeping the spark alive or something. I just feel like we both really love being parents and I feel like this is kind of a Pollyanna answer because it sounds like I’m just like, “everything is great!” But what actually has been really difficult or challenging is that we were raised very differently so we had different views on all kinds of parenting things. There are times that we really butt heads. And we’ve been very careful about how that plays out for the kids. We don’t argue about styles in front of the kids but we will argue about them otherwise. To some degree that’s because we don’t agree with how the other one was raised? This is not all styles were created equal; that’s actually just wrong— But I actually think that’s been a productive thing because as we’ve worked through them I think that we’ve realized we’re really on the same page about a lot of things. It’s also about training ourselves that being the best parent doesn’t necessarily mean parenting like our parents. Like, it’s not a competition; we’re just trying to raise good kids.
I think in some cases and I’m not saying who, but it wasn’t me, you might not think that the way your parents did it was the right way but it’s still ingrained in you because it’s how you were raised so it’s this natural reflex to respond certain ways? So that’s a fun training exercise. Therapy. Lots of therapy. I’m a lover of therapy I think it’s great.
16. I feel like this is something I talk about with all my friends. So I feel like there’s nothing sexy about parenthood. Again, not better not worse just different. Your priority is sort of shifted to the well-being of your kids. I mean you have a newborn that comes home; they basically have no neck for 6 months, right? They can’t breathe, they look like everything’s a struggle to them. Are they breathing? Are they suffocating? Are they hungry? Are they wet? It’s like everything is for the little person.
It just changed a little bit. But I think you have to go through it together. It’s sort of like a phase, right? We don’t go out for dinner that much alone. We should. Especially moving here: we don’t have a sitter anymore, we don’t know anybody here really. How does it change? It’s just busier. You have to carve out moments in time for each other. Even if it’s a wink from across the room or just maybe trying to appreciate the little things. But I think acknowledging them is huge, too. If you feel under-appreciated it’s awful. And then it just creates tension. When he was working— and I’m a stay at home mom now— and when I was getting up in the middle of the night with the kids and he’d be sleeping peacefully I’d stare at him and be like I want to fucking smother you with the pillow because you can get up too. We can share in this a little bit. But you have to have fun. It’s just different. It’s just a little different. I don’t know how it changes, it just does. There’s nothing that, like, [snaps] happens it just sort of happens. And I think it happens to everyone because I have these conversations with all of my friends. It’s just different and you don’t know why but maybe it’s just the way women are hardwired to just say, “you’re a grown ass man – figure it out and let me deal with the kids.”
17. I mean my poor husband. I would say it’s gotten harder because I feel like I— my husband has said, “you tell me what you need, like, you think of yourself as the CEO of our family and tell me what you need” and I don’t want to. I want him to just know but he doesn’t know because even if he does do it sometimes I’m like that wasn’t right; that wasn’t the way I wanted it. He really can’t win in this situation right now. So we really just keep telling ourselves— and it’s gotten better— that we know we’re going to get out of this. But it’s definitely more of me telling him what to do than it being like an equal partnership and I don’t like— I never liked telling my husband what to do. I never liked that kind of relationship. I wasn’t in charge of him when we were married; we were very equal. He’s very opinionated. And the problem is the more power I get the more I abuse it. Which is why I can’t date a guy or marry a guy who would allow me to walk all over him because I would if given the chance; it’s not a good trait of mine but it’s something I would do. Whereas my husband doesn’t allow that. He’s good and he’s easy-going so generally if I really feel strongly about something, and I tend to feel strongly about more things than he does, he’s like, “that’s fine.” But if he does feel strongly about it we’re going to have a conversation about it and I’m not always going to get my way. Whereas I feel like the shift has been I’m just telling him what to do and he’s doing it and that I don’t love.
18. I think that in some ways in my marriage my husband’s career had always been center stage; even though I was a professional also, he had this super important job of being a doctor and saving people’s lives and his hours were crazy and so our lives revolved around his career. We moved for it; we moved for all his training. And then when we had a child that kind of had to be readjusted a little bit because as an early mom I wanted our life to revolve around her needs and he still had his crazy schedule and work life that wasn’t changing. So we’ve had to adjust to that over time and now we’re in a good rhythm but it took awhile.
19. That’s such a loaded question. To be honest there’s just totally less sex. I am busy and I am tired. But we try to make date night at least twice a month. It’s matured in one way. I think I’ve become more like him which I don’t necessarily enjoy because I’m a mover and shaker: I love to go out, I love to be outside. And he’s more of a homebody so I’ve adjusted more to his lifestyle which leads me feeling a little— like I have to scratch my head like— what’s happening? So I think he’s probably very happy that I’m home more, that I expect less of him maybe? That I’m not saying, “let’s go see a show!” So it’s changed, but it’s evolving. It’s a constant thing that you hope you grow and you keep communicating and appreciating. It’s a moment. I try to think it’s a moment in time and it won’t be like this forever. And I’ve also become— I lean on my friends more. I try to make more time to be out with my good friends when I can so that I don’t expect him to fulfill everything that I used to expect him to. I try to get it from different places.
20. It has made me fall in love with my husband all over again. I always knew he would be an amazing father, but seeing him in action and how patient and caring he is with the kids is just incredible. He is truly an equal partner, and the bond we have from creating these little people is just amazing.
21. So we decided— we made a pact— when we were coming home from the hospital that we were not going to compare sleep and we were not going to compare diaper changes. So we’re not going to be like, oh well I was up this much last night! And I think that was a really good rule because suffering is relative but it’s easy when you’re tired and you’re cranky to be like, “well I was up all night and you don’t get how uncomfortable I am.” And at first when my husband would be like, “oh I’m so tired” I would be like, “ugh” in my head, like don’t even talk to me about that. But no. He is tired. Just because I feel tired doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to feel his feelings. So I think it’s been good because we’ve had to be more— not that we weren’t honest and direct before— but I just feel like more compassionate with each other and take care of each other and we were good at that anyway but I think we just took it for granted. And also sex. Making time for that. And time to connect. I remember saying before he was born— maybe I read it— we’re going to spend 15 minutes every day of uninterrupted time just talking to each other not about the baby. But it’s like that’s literally not possible right now because one person is always with the baby. So I feel like our relationship is stronger and I love him more and I love seeing him as a dad; I think it’s so cool. But I’m not a snappy person and there is something about being sleep-deprived that makes you want to snap so it’s been like— just effort.
22. Well, before I had my first daughter we were together every second except when we were at work; we did everything together. Every single thing we did together. Once she was born I spent a lot more time with her. We still spent a lot of time together but I spent more time with her so I wasn’t spending every minute with him.
23. Mis prioridades.
24. I think it is stronger. But I think we really have to work at it. I’ve always sort of known that just like watching my parents work at it and just seeing a lot of other relationships around me but I don’t think I understood. But I could totally see how— like when people say, “but then we had a kid—” you’re like, if you’re not in a good spot before you have a kid it is not going to get better. And I think I value him a lot more even than I did before. I think he’s a pretty unusual person in general but just recognizing— and I could complain about the dumb stuff he does: he’ll leave like a drop— and we can joke about it because we’re in a really good place— but it’s just the sort of thing where, like, I can see how in a decade someone gets divorced over like a drop of water left in the water bottle that you don’t put in the recycling. But next to it. Because some days I think it’s funny— most days. But also I show him how I think it’s funny. And I was like, I could put a whole Instagram of things and I’d call it “Where My Husband Puts It” and like I’ll take a picture of like, the key bowl and he’ll put them right next to it and I’ll show it to him and I’ll be like I’m not criticizing you; it’s just really interesting to me. And he’s like it is funny that I do that. But I could also see if we were in a bad place where that would be a real pain point for both of us. But we’re not so it’s just funny. But I think it’s actually made me appreciate— to be able to laugh at things like that—‚ as long as I’m able to step back and look at all the other things that he does for our family. I don’t like when people are like, “he helped.” I’m like, he’s not helping; he’s a participant. This isn’t my family and he’s in it. This is our family and he is a full on— we are partners. So if he wasn’t I think it would be harder for me.
I will say it’s hard— I have to remind myself to be affectionate to him. Because I’m spending all day hugging and kissing the kids and the dogs and like he comes home and, like, turns out I don’t have a finite amount of hugs and kisses but like I have to remember. You’re touched all day. Someone needs something from you or is touching you or is whatever— expecting something— you’re just spending a lot of time giving. So that’s something that again— work. Just remind myself— like the patience thing— I have to remind myself to be patient with him. I need to remind myself that he doesn’t know what it’s like to be asked of and needed and touched all day and whatever. And that if I want something from him I have to give it to him too. I think our relationship is great and I know he does too. Not perfect and not without argument but definitely stronger. But I do often think I see how it can devolve and quickly. And then you’re like— what happened? There are some days when you’re like, I love this person so much; I can’t imagine ever not feeling this way and then 3 days later I’ll be like, you are the worst fucking person; I cannot believe we’re married. And then I remember I just loved him so much like 3 days ago how do I get back to that?
25. Yeah. Not that it’s a loaded question but it’s made me love him a lot more for seeing how wonderful he is with the girls and he’s such a good dad and he’s so much fun. But also there’s certain— well, there’s certain things that are intuitive for mothers that it’s like how did you not know just do— this—like I feel I’m quick and easily frustrated with him on things like before we had kids it would be like whatever it didn’t bother me. I have less patience with him. I feel like after I had our first there was one time maybe a month or two in where I’m like I have a child now I no longer take care of you where this is concerned. It may have been the first time I got sick and he had to take care of her all by himself and I was like, I don’t know why you think you can’t handle this; she’s not that difficult. I guess it brought to light how much I took care of him before I had a baby. I was great to you. You were like my baby. But you’re not a baby. You know what I mean? I am quicker to get frustrated with him on certain things and I don’t understand, like, why after having 2 why anyone would think that having a baby would save a marriage, because if anything, it just brings to light little quirks that maybe before didn’t bother you but now you’re like I’m not going to put up with that because now I have to put up with this over here. They actually depend on me. So yeah.
Before I went into the hospital with my second I had to write out a meal prep food chart for my older daughter for school. My husband was like, what do you pack her for A.M. snack? Because the day care we take her to you have to supply all the bottles, all the food. He’s like, how many water bottles do I need? I’m like, you do drop off every day so you’re the one unpacking her bag. You’ve never counted, oh, there are 4 water bottles here? Or like she always seems to have a banana and some cheese for A.M. snack because that’s what she likes? You’ve never noticed? Okay here we go. So I literally had to write out like a week and a half food chart while I was in the hospital and he would still call me at night and be like okay so I’m just gonna do, like, peanut butter and jelly for the next day and I’m like, Jesus Christ, where’s the sheet of paper? I tacked it on the board. I put it on the board! Oh, and dinners too. I did dinners.
26. Well we have less time to just the two of us. And we spend a lot of the time that we do have talking about and planning for the kids.
27. If it was possible I appreciated him more and more and more; he was just the best partner in the whole world. The best husband. The most considerate. The most understanding. I felt very, very lucky. And still do.
Kids change things, amiright? Not just in terms of your relationship with your significant other but in terms of your relationships with friends, family, and strangers. In what ways did your relationships change? And perhaps more significantly:
Coming up: How did becoming a mother change you?
Mama Mader at Home 