Mom Talk – Part 8

Question: What is the range of emotions you feel on a typical day?

If there were a manual given to every woman everywhere in the world upon the birth of her first child I believe it would begin: Welcome to motherhood. You will be tired for the rest of your life. First and foremost and above all else I feel exhaustion. I can drink a pot of regular coffee in the afternoon and fall asleep on a rock at 8. My brain is tired. My body is tired. My heart is tired. I don’t know if it’s an emotion exactly but exhaustion is the underlying condition that impacts all other feelings. Here are some synonyms for tired: exhausted, weary, annoyed, bored, distressed, drained, exasperated, fatigued, irritated, overworked, sleepy, stale, beat, consumed, haggard. Yes. That’s it. That’s motherhood.

[I feel like you can tell I wrote all this before social isolation because the next feeling I talk about is rushed. These days I definitely don’t feel rushed and I will admit it is one of the blessings of our current situation that we aren’t constantly rushing everywhere all the time. I fully expect that when the world reopens the new normal will still involve rushing.]

I feel rushed— I feel like I did not fully understand— and sometimes it still surprises me— the time it takes kids to do things. And there are so many things. Daily grind kind of things, after-school activity kind of things, obligation kind of things. We are constantly going somewhere and doing something and even when we have an afternoon free I find myself rushing to relax. Come on! Let’s relax!

I feel: guilty when I take time for myself; amazed at how real my children are; relief at how lucky I am; frustrated when I feel like no one listens and everyone is screaming to be heard. I feel it all. I don’t think there’s a single feeling I don’t feel.

It’s strange to feel happy and sad and love and hate and peace and anxiety and amusement and annoyance all potentially within the same hour, but that is the motherhood experience. It’s constantly feeling. There’s never a moment when your amygdala is simply disabled. You might feel feelings consecutively and you might feel them concurrently and it’s all normal. If you feel sad and happy at the same time that’s normal. If you feel rage and pride at the same time that’s normal. If you feel frustrated and relieved at the same time that’s normal. It’s all normal. You’re not alone.

The answers:

1. Love, frustration, rage—that’s it.

2. One of my goals as a mother is whenever I wake my daughter up in the morning or she wakes me is to be happy and to start that day off right. That’s something I try to do. I’m fairly consistent with it. I just start it off happy and then move into rushed and then I’m in the Batman phase and I’m using my Batman voice and I’m late, I’m late, we’re late, we’re late, hurry up. But overall it’s pretty consistent. I wish I were more present at times but— being an entrepreneur— that’s been hard. That’s been a challenge and I’m constantly working on that but overall it’s just a pretty happy existence. Tired, but happy.

3. I mean, what’s sad is like tired always is the first word that always comes to mind. I feel like I’m always tired. There’s never a moment that I just don’t want to lie down at some point. My husband’s like, “take a nap!” I’m like oh my God between work and the kids— no, I’m not taking a nap. I have to be honest: my days are very even. I’ve got a pretty well-oiled machine going on. My days are very even; my emotions are very even and everything is very, very nice and streamlined at this stage so I don’t think I have a range of emotions during the day. And you probably see that in me too. I’ve got a well-oiled system. I’m not saying I have it all together but I’ve got a system. Between the au pair, the fact that my marriage is really strong, the kids have a lot of structure at home, everyone is kind of on track, I’ve got the business. Everything is kind of where it needs to be. That’s the zone I’d like to stay in. I like that zone.

4. I feel: my son is hilarious so I feel laughy. I am so enchanted with his quiet but subtle and his clever personality. I feel anxiety about his future because he’s still— in production. And he’s got his IEP and his learning schtick and he’s really smart and he’s really smart— and with support he’s doing it but— what’s going to be? And for my daughter I feel: I’m so interested and proud and I watch her do amazing, amazing things. And she— her process is to take her anxieties and whatever’s gone wrong, dump them on me and then move on. So that’s part of the role I can provide to her and, you know, it’s part of her support mechanism. So I feel churn when she does that and I have to talk myself down: she’s gonna be fine, this is fine, she’s just dumped on you, you’ve seen this, you don’t have to carry this monkey, she’s taken it off of her and said, “here— would you hold this for me?” And I can pretend to say yes and not really do it. So that happens a lot, like, “I’m going to fail this test tomorrow.” Alright that’s never happened before but alright let’s go with that. And I feel a lot like I’m handling that wrong, like, she’s not looking for me to problem-solve. I know intellectually she’s looking for me to carry her monkey but I feel like I am Action Jackson and I want— I want to be strategic and I don’t want to just do things for the sake of doing things, but I am uncomfortable seeing something that needs to be done and not doing it. Like, I want to touch things once, I want to get a lot done. My life is like a Tetris game so if I have five minutes and there’s something I can do in five minutes I’m gonna pull it off the list and get that thing done. Same thing happened with my daughter: shampoo exploded— you want me to order new shampoo and send it to you? She can order the shampoo just fine, but even the emotional stuff like I’m trying to problem-solve. I’m trying to train myself not to offer solutions to her ’cause it’s not what she wants from me; it’s not what she needs. I have to get past this is not about me. It’s not helpful. It sends the wrong message. It sends like: I don’t think you can do this. I know she can do it. I, for a fact, know she can do it. She’s done big things. Giving them the opportunity to make mistakes. I should have said: I’m sure you’ll handle it. Let me know if there’s anything you need. She’s got her phone there’s nothing she couldn’t do.

5. I would say probably everything along the spectrum, every day. Lows feeling I’m not being a good mom when I’m going to work and then my daughter asks me to take her to school and I can’t because I’m going to work, and then highs when I get home from work and they’re running around and so excited to see me and having dinner, and then lows again because they didn’t finish their dinner and didn’t eat any of their vegetables, and then high again when they’re playing in the bath. I would say everything, all over.

6. Is tired an emotion? I would say the majority of my emotions are like— is it anxiety? It’s like I always have the next challenge to overcome. Like the week ahead of me. It’s like I can’t wait for this to be completed. I feel like I live my life in constant, like, okay when’s the next point when I can breathe because I feel very overwhelmed a lot. I don’t know. But then once I’m done breathing that quickly dissipates and then I’m overwhelmed again.

And maybe it’s just the time. We just moved and now our house is just sitting there abandoned basically. And our realtor keeps calling like when are you going to be ready to put it on the market? And we’re like we have stuff to do there’s just all these things. I’m always in the we have all these things to do mindset and not just me— it’s my husband too. I feel like he takes very good ownership of things as well. But I just always feel overwhelmed. I was talking to a coworker two days ago and I was like, “I need everybody else to take a vacation. I just want to be left alone.” He’s like, “you need a me-cation” and I was like, “no, I need an else-cation.” I need everybody else to just stop and go away. Like: world please stop for a minute so I can, like, have a coffee or watch Dead to Me. Binge it.

7. You know it’s funny because when we lived in London I used to say to my husband “our neighbors will never be our friends because they probably hear the screaming—” that morning routine screaming between, like, 7 and 8 AM and I’m like, “we’re getting judged— hard— nobody wants to be friends with us.” The mornings are probably, unfortunately, the worst time of day for us. It’s a mad rush. Everybody is trying to get out the door. We’re trying to get to work. And if things go wrong in the morning, unfortunately it just kind of sets the tone for the day. And if things are lovely and they’re really cooperative in the morning and we’ve had a nice start that kind of sets the tone. And we went through a period where, when we came back in the evenings, we were walking in at 6 and we had an hour to get everything in order before they go to bed so you’re in a mad rush. And similarly on the weekends we were finding ourselves in this, again, this rush because what we were doing is booking in all these activities on weekends ’cause— again— mom guilt. So I’m like I can’t do it on the weekdays so I’ll just pack it in on the weekends. And then I realized this is not what I visualized; this is not what I thought being a mother was going to be like or how I wanted it to be. I don’t want my relationship with them to be like I’m this time keeper basically, you know, constantly shuttling them around to the next thing.

And so we have revisited and we’ve cleared our schedule. So Saturdays are just about family time. We’re just doing nothing. Just relax. No rush. No schedule. And those days are probably the best days ’cause we’ll just be playing board games or we’ll cook together and it maybe means that my kids won’t be chess champions or whatever but actually I genuinely believe that if we go on in that way of constantly being in a rush they’re not going to want to be at home. They’re gonna be teenagers that are like: actually this is crazy and this is not fun and I’m just gonna go. So that’s definitely something we’re trying to work on— just really hone it back in and make it about family time.

I think it’s really easy to get pulled in so many directions and I think that’s what contributes to the roller coaster of emotions. I think if you pulled that out and just focused on spending time— that’s lovely and that’s beautiful and they’re gonna bicker but you can work through that if you’re not in a rush. Being in a rush is what makes it all dangerous. It makes it all so negative. And then you think: what’s that for? And is it really worth it? Probably not. So just like bringing it back to basics and simplifying back to more of what our parents did. And we shouldn’t underestimate that I don’t think. We shouldn’t underestimate how valuable that is to just have that down time, have that quality time and not always be trying to— I feel like we’re trying to fit this mold— become these ideal mothers that do everything and are president of the PTA and volunteering here and doing all this stuff at school but also doing all these amazing things as mothers and as women; and you’re just like we need to cut ourselves a break and be realistic about how much we can actually do without turning into a monster or into that screaming neighbor that I have been for so long.

8. Typical day, so. Morning is always get going, get going, get going! And if they’re behind or cranky you’re just like, “please we can’t be late!” Then you have a moment of quiet once they are out of the house. But then as the clock ticking by 3: oh my God they’re coming back. You do miss them during the day but as soon as they come back within the hour you’re like: uh I miss my quiet moment and they just have to drag through the night until they go to bed. The hardest time is when you’re cooking and they’re playing and they want your attention while you need to do the work or you need to cook. That’s the hard moment. Weekend is always hard because weekdays is always like a vacation to me. Yes, I have au pair to help me, but weekend they want me even if I have her they just want me. So if we have a monitor then we have a peak in the morning, a peak after they come back through dinner time, bed time, then moments of quiet again.

Since I’m been kind of busy and also I work with the Chinese team so there’s 12 hour difference so I usually work through midnight. And I like it because finally they’re in bed I can focus on your job.

The big thing for mother— you always function. You’re sick— you’re still functioning until they go to bed. You don’t have a sick day.

9. Tired. Love. Happiness. Anxiety. Grateful. And complete. That feeling of completeness. All of that.

10. A big range. There’s always a big range. Because I’m an older mother there probably isn’t a single day that I don’t wake up thinking this is the last day that he’s going to, you know, do this. I think about: he’s not going to need his swim diapers anymore; he’s moving now to the toddler stage. I’m very aware of time passing. I’ll get a little bit sad; I’ll get a little bit— oh my gosh he’s growing up; he’s losing a little bit of the baby fat in his cheeks and then at the same time, proud. I see he’s progressing in certain respects in terms of his art or in terms of the way he’s expressing himself and so I’ll feel that. And then I’ll feel joy because he makes me laugh, if my son says something funny to me and it’s pretty clever. He’s rhyming now so he’ll make a little poem and it’ll crack me up. I’ll feel a big range of emotions.

The other thing too, for us, we’re a little bit in a sandwich generation because my mother has Alzheimer’s. So I also feel conscious of time passing for her. I try to make the most of weekends, especially with my son and her. I’ll Facetime her and I’ll put him on there so that I make sure she gets her time with him. Because I don’t want to have any regrets when it comes to her, and especially with her and my son, so I want her to experience him as much as she can while she still remembers him and I want to keep him fresh in her memory for as long as possible. That’s a big thing. So yeah, we go through big emotions in every day. It’s definitely a lot.

And sometimes there’s frustration too. Obviously there’s a kid misbehaving; we have our moments or we’re feeling challenged and we don’t know how to get him to do something that we want him to do. There’s a negative side of it too. There’s definitely a whole range of feelings and some of those feelings are very big feelings.

11. Happiness to sadness to love. Fear. Of course it depends on a day-to-day basis. But I think they challenge us enough to feel the whole range of emotions in one single day.

12. Daughter: I can’t do this slash I’m doing this! I don’t know, what do you think?

Mom: Well for me it’s even now. Even keel. But I think when I see you I think that it’s amazing what you’re doing. How you maintain writing a book and working for the Los Angeles Review of Books and still being a mother. I think you maybe expected it was going to be—

Daughter: I kind of thought it was going to be easier. It all sounds really stupid now. I thought I’d just put him in a chair. Or strap him in and just do my day. Like the Good Earth, like the lady in the field I would just keep working the field with the baby strapped to my back except that the work I do wouldn’t be in a rice paddy but on a computer. And that people would be like, “oh my God you’re a mom?!” and I’d be like, “yeah I’m having this conference call while I breastfeed, whatever!” Instead of— because if I ever tried to take a call it would be like, “Ow! Good God he’s screaming I’ll call you back.”

We bought, like, an expensive Scandinavian bouncer because I read that this is so good and it doesn’t have a toy and I was like, he won’t need a toy, he’ll have his imagination. Then we bought a $19 one on Amazon. One where it’s like: spin, elephant! Spin! Beep Bope Bop. Do this. Do this for five minutes.

Mom: Amazon. Didn’t have to go to Denmark.

13. Desire to choke slam to frustration to fulfillment and reward to this is the most meaningful thing I have ever done.

14. That’s a loaded question! You want me to list them? That’s a good question. I have to think about it. I think in the morning I’ve never had an issue getting up. Well I shouldn’t say that. I’m definitely tired some mornings, don’t get me wrong. When the alarm goes off I get out of bed. I need to be productive and efficient and all that, all those good things in the morning. I think there’s a lot of: okay I have to get this done, I have to get this done. I think efficiency is an important word although that’s not an emotion. I guess worrying about the day to day stuff— getting everything done. Getting lunch boxes packed and backpacks ready with everything they need to do and I think a lot of that falls on Mom. My husband is very, very hands-on and I know I’m lucky in a lot of ways. There’s just a lot of dads who aren’t anywhere near as hands on as he is, but trying to always get things done— I feel like I’m always worried about doing that.

I like the time to myself in the car in the morning. On the way to work I really don’t mind that time because it’s a half an hour of quiet time kind of. I like to listen to music and kind of get myself psyched up for the day. And then during the day I think I’m so busy that it goes— it goes fairly quickly. And then when school’s over you’re thinking about all the things you have to do like after-school activities or things you have to do to get ready for dinner and then it’s like getting ready for the next day: laying out clothes and all that kind of stuff. So usually by the end of the day I’m completely exhausted. But I look forward to seeing my kids in the afternoon. I think that one of the perks of being a teacher is that I do kind of get the best of both worlds in a sense that I am able to spend a lot more time with my kids than your average full-time working parent who’s got a City job or whatever. But I do look forward to coming home to them at the end of the day and hearing about their day. That’s an exciting part of the day for me. But it is an exhausting day, for sure. And then trying to worry about feeding everybody and shower time and all that stuff. So I hope that answered the question.

15. From tired to tired. That’s pretty much it. In terms of one of the things I’ve learned about motherhood: that self-care, getting enough sleep, exercising— which was never one of my things. I’m really bad about that and very up and down. But I just recently discovered Pilates and it’s lovely. I think even you might really like it. It’s the reformer and it’s a good workout but it’s lovely and they’re not emotional terrorists and it’s just nice. They’re really nice. It’s just very manageable and I just love it. I look forward to it, I enjoy it when I’m there and I feel good when I leave. So I’ve tried to make that a priority to go 3 times a week. It feels so good; it feels good to my body. I don’t feel creaky.

Anyway, in terms of the one thing that I feel often is tired. It’s not that I’m not getting enough sleep. At the end of the day, and this is actually a little difficult for me because my natural circadian rhythm is from— without children? Well this is one of the things that I miss—

I do my best work at night. I love working at 3 o’clock in the morning. That’s when my creative juices are flowing. Left to my own devices and without kids I would sleep from like 3 to 11 AM. That would be my sleep time, which obviously is not viable with children. I have these ideas and I’m like, oh I’m gonna work on that after I put the kids to bed and then it’s like 9:30 and I’m dead to the world. But I can’t go to sleep yet. My body will not— I can get in bed, I can be so tired— but I will not be able to go to sleep until midnight or something. So I miss the ability to do that because I think I did good work that way— better work— but I think the fatigue— okay I’ll answer the real question.

I really do feel— and this was a surprise to me about being a parent because I really didn’t think I was going to be the really— you know you’re going to love your kids and it’s going to change your life for the better and whatever but I didn’t think I was going to be this person who loved motherhood so much. I love the moments of discovery or interesting conversations with them or singing them a song and seeing it comfort them. That stuff is so awesome to me. So that’s pure deep heart joy that I don’t know if I would have anticipated was my style.

Frustration? I really don’t get angry. My older son can be defiant— just so ridiculous sometimes. Or my younger son even who was the best baby ever but now is very willful. I don’t get mad, I’m just like, “come on, man, can we just go? Can you just get it together?” I say that to them I’m like, “I don’t have time for this” and sometimes it’s effective and they’re like okay she’s not buying it. I don’t get— the way the pediatricians say, “you can’t engage you can’t get riled up because they’ll prefer positive attention over negative but negative attention over no attention” that’s great for me because I have like one tempo and it’s pretty chill. I don’t get riled up. I’m like, “okay we’re going to need to go to your room now and we’re going to be late but no skin off my back.” But it’s more just like, come on, can you just be an adult? And the answer is no; the answer is no, not yet. So, frustration I guess.

For the most part I don’t feel like— and it’s partially because I work and I have a nanny— I’m not with them all the time. I would not be good at that. Being a full-time mom takes a very specific skill set that I do not have. I think it’s like any other job: there are certain things that I won’t be good at. I think I’m a really good mom, I really do. I pat myself on the back; I think I’m a good mom, great mom. I love the way I parent in so many ways but I would not be a good full-time mom. But I think for the most part I have generally positive feelings about motherhood and it’s probably partially because I can spend part of the day at a computer interacting with adults.

I think one of the hardest things about motherhood especially if you’re a stay-at-home mom is that it’s so constant. Any other job that’s constant— and I’m not sure if any other job is as constant— because it’s also the stakes are different. It’s not that they’re higher; they’re different. When I was in banking I was attached to my phone at all times. If someone sent me an email at 3 o’clock in the morning that was urgent it was my responsibility to respond. Which is crazy. Clearly I’m asleep. But I had two phones: one was for work and one was my personal phone. And if I got up to go to the bathroom and I saw an email from my manager and saw that she needed a Powerpoint presentation for 9 AM I would go up to my computer and create it. It was constant. But it’s different. First of all I didn’t have kids at the time and second of all, even when a role like that is constant it’s so frustrating to not be able to get away from it. So I think it’s true of anything that feels constant. And that is also I think they’re different. Because your detachment like “I fucking hate my boss” instead of like “oh this is my life forever.”

16. Oh my God everything? That’s why I think when you said— what was the first question— what word describes motherhood— insanity? It goes from loving insanely to being insanely angry. You go from happy to frustrated to annoyed or sentimental. It’s everything. There’s a meme that’s like a woman always has like 27,000 tabs open; we’re like a running computer, right? That’s what it is because we’re doing so many different things. That we feel so many different things. It’s because we’re so busy, you know?

17. Like, “oh my God I love you so so much” to like frustration and anger to guilt for feeling that way. Like generally I generally feel content with them. I get angry; they fight a lot at this stage. And of course then I have guilt. I always have guilt: am I spending more time with one than the other? Am I doing this or that? That’s a great question and probably the toughest one. I don’t know. It’s just— I go through a bunch where I’m like super happy, I love my family and everything’s great to then they do one thing that makes me go through the roof and then I really guilty that that happened. Then I feel really guilty that I want to spend time away from them. I feel like I’m not soaking it in. I feel like I should be more appreciative. Like, my younger son, all he wants to do is talk. We’re on a car ride and he’s talking the whole time. I want, like, two minutes of silence. Sometimes I think I’m parenting for the future which is not a good idea. I know there’s going to be a time where he doesn’t want to talk to me; he’s literally going to say nothing to me in this car and I’m going to be wishing that he would have a conversation with me but that doesn’t really help me right now. Like, I know it’s coming; I know that he’s going to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and he’s going to be like, “hey, Mom, fine, yeah” and I’m going to be like “no! Tell me about your day! About everything that happened! Ask me questions!” And he’s not. But I feel like I can’t appreciate it as much now as I should. So that’s guilt.

Like when they say: you only have 350 Saturdays until your kids are 18. I get like anxiety when I read that because sometimes we don’t live our Saturdays to the fullest. Sometimes we’re just sitting around for half the day and I haven’t gone to, like, the farm with my kids and whatever. I’m just like let’s go play in the backyard for a little bit. You read those Summer lists of like things you should be doing with your kids: 25 things to do with your kids in the Summer. I’m like I think I’ve done maybe, like, 4 of them by the end of the Summer.

18. Um, well let’s see. Now that my daughter is 6 it has changed a little because obviously the emotional lability of a 2 year old is so intense that I think as a mom you kind of just have to be sarcastic and laugh at their tantrums because they are so ridiculous. But then as your kid grows, and their conflicts with peers, and feeling left out in social circumstances and stuff become a real feeling that you can empathize with or maybe you have yourself, that becomes part of your, like, general thought process. I’ve tried to stay calm in that. And I get really obnoxious around 7:30 when bedtime starts to approach because there’s usually a point in the day when I’ve just had enough and my fuse is short. I’ve actually started telling my daughter like, you know how you get irritated when you’re over-tired, Mommy is over-tired. Just so that it’s like a little warning like I might yell at you. You’ve caught me during summer camp so these last 2 days have been very relaxing; I have a lot of free time.

Bedtime is also when they come out with all sorts of things and it’s like now you’re telling me this? And sometimes it’s like, to stall bedtime, but sometimes it’s real emotional stuff. Like the doorknob questions to your therapist. And it’s hard when routines shift for everybody. I do 90% of bedtimes by myself because my husband gets home at 9 o’clock or later most nights so we’re just kind of in our routine and yes I’m irritable but I just know how things need to work. So when he does randomly get home early and happens to be there: I feel guilty because Iam simultaneously so happy that she’s going to get to see him because sometimes it can be days during the week when she doesn’t, and I’m also irritated because bedtime is totally messed with. And the routine is off and she’s going to bed late and she’s cranky the next day. It’s hard.

19. Probably from exhaustion to frustration and then, you know, when I’m with my kids just pure joy. Even when they’re getting on my nerves sometimes I just look at them and I’m grateful. I think that I go through extremes almost every day. It starts with exhaustion and it ends with exhaustion and everything else runs between.

20. I am in such a good place right now that most days I feel happy, fulfilled and full of love. However, I am also a worrier by nature— I think it’s in my genes— so there are definitely times where I am also feeling worried, stressed and anxious.

21. I feel mostly pretty happy. I mean that’s me anyway, like I ride pretty high? But tired. Occasionally it’s like the tired that’s like— I feel like I can say this because I have been hit by car— where it’s like UGH I just feel dead; how am I going to get through this next hour? And yeah. I thought I would be, like, annoyed at him but it’s not. It’s interesting. It’s like extreme love and elation and like extreme tiredness where I could just nap for days. And sometimes, I’ve had in the past few weeks a little bit of that, like, anger towards my husband but not really because it’s not his fault; but I’m just like oh it must be nice to be able to go to work— to be able to separate and not worry for a second.

22. I think I’m pretty steady. I don’t think I’m particularly exuberant and I don’t think I’m particularly depressed. I’m very happy. I feel happy.

23. De la tranquilidad a la incertidombre.

24. I feel so many. I think I cry so much more easily about things I wouldn’t have cried about before. But a lot of times like happy tears but just generally emotional. I often feel really proud of my kids and all the things they’re doing. I get frustrated. That’s probably a top word— just general frustration. I have a lot more anxiety every day. I worry a lot more. I think that’s it. I mean overall I would say I’m really happier but in terms of— but there’s so many highs and lows.

25. Being on leave I would say definitely— right now it’s tough too because I’m still postpartum— I would say guilt is like an overwhelming one: just trying to make sure that my older daugther knows that I don’t love her any less. My husband does the drop off at school during the day in the mornings and there are times I’m still in bed because I’ve done like a 3 AM feeding or I’m currently feeding the baby and it just feels— I don’t want her to feel like the goodbye in the morning is any less— or I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to push her out of the house or I don’t want her to feel dismissed in any way. And then I would say guilt, a little bit of loneliness now that my husband is back at work. I almost don’t like hearing how his day is because he gets to tell me all the people he spoke with, like all the things that he did, and he’s like what did you do today? This. This is what I did today. I tried to get to the grocery store but she was screaming so much I knew I wouldn’t be able to go shopping and, I, yeah brushed my teeth at 11 and I’m going to take a shower at 10 o’clock tonight hopefully when she’s sleeping. So a little bit of lonely. But then also. Yeah it’s just crazy because I’m so happy when my daughter gets home. I do feel like it’s a little bit of a roller-coaster right now. Like I’m happy for 5 minutes and then she starts behaving like a 2 and a half year old and I’m like go back to school. I was great, you were being so good for 10 minutes and now I want to kill all of us. I want to burn this house down. Yeah it’s a rainbow of emotions. But yeah I’d say overwhelming is like guilt but also I’m grateful. Just crazy, apparently. Just crazy.

When my mom is like, “is the baby sleeping better?” I’m like she’s an infant: she’s the dictator of the house I don’t know— no she’s not sleeping— she went 4 hours last night instead of 2 and a half. Great. I’m not putting any money on that. We’re all sleeping like shit. I want to murder everyone. Stop calling me. “Well you have to get her on a schedule.” Kill yourself. Okay, she’s seven weeks old she doesn’t have a schedule.

26. Let’s see. I think I go anywhere from like at my wit’s end to I don’t know how to describe it. Just like – to like literally heart bursting with love. Which I don’t actually think are opposites.

27. Thinking back: a huge shift in emotions. Up and down and up and down and sideways. You know from extreme happiness to extreme concern and worry and feeling inadequate and feeling concern. Huge concern. Not knowing how to calm a baby down or a son down. Huge concern. I guess I haven’t changed all that much. Another thing is your hormones are going crazy because after you give birth your hormones are all mixed up and that really does complicate things and so on.

That’s it for today.

Coming up: What is the most rewarding thing about being a mother?

Mom Talk – Part 6

Audio version. Can you hear my Manischewitz?

Question: How has being a mother changed your relationship with your spouse?

My husband and I were a great childless couple. We got each other. We loved each other. We didn’t fight. We never fought. There was just nothing to argue about. Having kids made all the love feelings stronger in a lot of ways— seeing this child, these children, that we created. Mentally, I felt super close to him. We still didn’t have many reasons to argue because we were very much on the same page about things; if one of us felt strongly about something about the kids it was usually me and he was pretty much always ready to back me up. That being said, and I say this understanding that my parents will read this, the physical closeness basically disappeared. Being climbed all over all day by these tiny people made me feel incredibly like— please don’t touch me— in fact don’t come anywhere near me— basically don’t bother looking at me. Now that our oldest is almost 8 and our youngest is almost 3 I finally, finally feel like I’m okay if we maybe hold hands. Sometimes.

Just to illustrate I want you to see some photos from before kids:

even a slight smile when caught off guard

Look what happened almost immediately after our first was born:

And these days?

And that’s if I’m not straight up:

BUT as with everything related to motherhood so far it’s complicated:

And sometimes I even attempt something that isn’t contempt when he takes pictures of me…

Moms notice the positive impact of children on their relationships: they appreciate their spouses; they value them; they love seeing them in a new role; their relationship is deeper; they communicate more. I full on agree with these. Moms notice the negative impact of children on their relationships too: more criticism; things are less equal; they have less alone time; they only talk about their kids; they never have sex; it’s less fun; it’s more effort. I full on agree with these too. Like everything in life and motherhood, it’s complicated.

The answers:

1. Um, we definitely spend less alone time together. And most of the conversation revolves around our child.

2. In some ways its definitely deeper and it’s better but it isn’t as much fun and I know that’s fairly obvious. A childless person could probably tell you that a child makes your relationship less fun but— it definitely does. It’s less sparkly.

3. More patient. More compromise. More effort to give him the attention and each other the attention that we need. And more accepting.

4. Honestly, it’s hard to sort of remember. I do remember the first time I went on a business trip when my oldest was about 6 months old. I went back to work when she was 4 months old and I was freaking out. I pumped and everything was ready and of course she was still waking up in the middle of the night because, as you recall, she didn’t have a chance— from one story ago— she had no chance. I went on this business trip and I think it was all of three days and I got back and he was so much more competent. Like, she survived and I was calling and he was so much more competent and my life got better because he was so much more comfortable and I was like: God I should have gone on that business trip a long time ago.

5. It’s good. I think. I really like my husband. I would say, as probably every couple does, you go into it not really knowing what to expect, like, none of our friends had kids, we were pretty young, we did it because I wanted it— I was ready. I would say it surprised both of us in how much we love it. Because again, neither of us were, like, kid people. So I think it’s been really good. I just love watching him with the kids; he’s just so devoted. I mean— on Saturdays and Sundays. When he’s not working. But like, I think I always— we always have conversations— well, not always, but sometimes I’ll say it’s so fascinating to me on a weekend if I’m going away to see a friend or whatever he is just looking forward to that weekend for weeks and weeks because he just wants his time with the kids. So he’s the dad and he’s gonna be the one that’s for them if they need anything and all that kind of stuff. For me, if he’s going away for the weekend, I want to get a babysitter so I can go out one night or whatever— it doesn’t really change or affect my life in any way but he just loves it so much. So I would say it’s really good. And I think part of it is, because he’s not there during the week, he’s just so ultra-supportive of anything I need as a mom. He’s so outward with saying, like, “being a mom must be the hardest thing ever,” you know, “being you must be really hard; I don’t know how you do it.” And he acknowledges it all the time and I think that’s so nice that he doesn’t take anything for granted and just is very recognizing of the situation that our family is in. But really our family is just the light of his life and it’s really cute to see. So I would say it’s good. And we’re both very committed still to each other and making sure we do date nights all the time or go away for the weekend or that kind of thing. We’re on the same page about it. So I’d say it’s really good. It’s just been really positive. You know we thought it was great before kids and then you have kids and you just don’t realize how great it can be.

Let me back track for a minute. Just to clarify. It’s not like, you know, I don’t want to give people this impression, if they’re reading it, that he’s like the ultimate stay-at-home dad who is so involved— like—no. He’s not around very much at all. But I think that the way that it worked for us is— because he’s not around, and because he’s recognizing, and also willing to take a new job so that he can be around more or is always like, “get more childcare if you need more childcare; do this for yourself; do that” just to show that being a mom is really hard. But I don’t want people to think that it’s like this perfect world. He feels bad because he’s not around during the week and— whatever— but I do think it also brings out the best in his personality that, at heart, he really cares; he just wants us all to be happy so that he’ll do whatever and the minute if I said anything about “I’m not happy” or “you should leave your job” he would do it. But it’s not— I wouldn’t want people to think, oh my God her husband is the most perfect person and always around. I mean— of course. I hate when people paint a picture like everything is so perfect and blah blah blah. It’s not. But it’s a situation that works for us. There’s no resentment. There’s no— of course he doesn’t do his share but I don’t need him to do his share. Honestly I’d rather do it— I don’t need him to try to do drop off one day, like, I don’t need him to do that. I’m fine. It wouldn’t go well anyway.

6. I think when you’re a couple with someone lack of compromise isn’t that— or— compromise isn’t as hard when it’s just between two people I think. My husband and I were raised pretty differently I would say— not in a bad way— but he’s a child of divorced parents. There’s not a lot of family activity there on his mom’s side and I was always in a room with like 30 cousins at any given time. I think that now the decisions that we make together are more about what we want for our kids and not necessarily what I would care about for myself. So I’ll give you an example. This is pretty personal: my husband is type A 100%. There’s this personality test you can take it’s called the DISC and basically there’s 4 components D-I-S-C and the Ds are supposed to be— D is for dominant and you’re type A, relentless people and he is basically the highest D that there is in the scale. And as a result of that these people tend to be very abrasive. They have no room for compromise and it’s like— this is the way it is and I don’t care what you think kind of thing. And when we were together I was like alright, I don’t care. But now I find well, okay, this is what you think and I know that you feel this way but I feel differently. And my conviction to how this is going to affect our kids— now I’m forced to reckon with it. Now we really have to deal with it. And I think this was more of a challenge earlier on when we first starting to be parents. It was harder because before it was like whatever : laissez faire, let’s do whatever, I don’t care. And now I’m a little bit more, like, committed to how my kids are going to end up. So we got into a little bit of butting heads— clashing on things— and it’s forced us to be better communicators. And it was a learning process. We had some times where I was like I can’t. I’m outta here. This is not good for the kids. I don’t want this. But actually because we are totally committed to being— again he’s a child of divorced parents— we both knew early on this is it: we are not getting a divorce. I do not care what happens we are sticking it out, and because of that commitment we have stuck out these very, very trying times that we’ve had where we couldn’t compromise and we didn’t know how to communicate. It’s improved; we communicate better now. It’s not perfect; we still argue, but it’s in the right direction. You have to. Otherwise if you know you can get out of it there’s nothing making you try harder. I don’t know.

7. What relationship? No. I mean I think it’s amazing because we’re very much a team now and I think it’s very much cliche. Obviously our conversations are no longer about the restaurants we want to try or the places we want to go to travel. If we’re talking about travel we’re talking about logistically what makes sense for the kids. We are always talking about the kids. I value him a lot more now for so many reasons. Just the basics that you take for granted probably before kids. The fact that I’m not having to worry about infidelity, the fact that I know that he wants the best for the kids. The fact that we’re on the same wavelength for our values and the values that we want to teach the kids and all of that strengthens the relationship, strengthens the closeness. It’s not like we, you know, have time to go on dates once a week or just the two of us; we don’t go on vacation without the kids. It’s definitely changed from that point of view and part of it’s just energy: who do I have time for? It is very much like a partnership for now and I think I’ve learned with time that none of this is permanent. So I really do believe that if you get through this, and assuming kids are fine and independent at some point, I think you can go back to that. I think you’ve got— there’ll be plenty of time later in life to— it’ll just be the two of us and I’m sure at that time we’ll be crying about having an empty nest.

I think it’s interesting, too, because as I talked about earlier when I was talking about reading the book, there’s probably more criticism now than there was before we had kids. Because before we had kids, I mean, we might bicker about little things like, “oh, I really was hoping you’d do this but you didn’t so I guess I’ll do it myself” type bickering whereas now I find myself, you know, as I read these books and as I touched upon earlier making these sacrifices, if he’s not doing the same, you know, or if he’s not putting the same level of effort or showing the same level of concern, you know, then I get upset about that. I’m like, well if I can make time for this then why can’t you? Don’t you care? And I think you learn with time that actually we show it and we do things in different ways; so for me I know that I’m gonna be the person worrying about: do their socks still fit and do they need new summer sandals and like, you know, he is not. But he is thinking about other things and thinking about forward planning and thinking about, you know, the admin and insurance things which I don’t. So I think you have to learn to operate as a team and know that one of you is going to be better at some things than others.

8. I love your questions. Well I think it’s different phases. So when they were a baby I think there’s a lot of fight because I always feel like I was doing more and because I was pregnant; he was not. So I know he was trying but he didn’t get hormone change, he didn’t deliver, go through the pain. I was so worried, like, is my kid breathing and he’s like, “yeah of course she’s breathing,” you know he’s worry free. So I think the first few years is always a struggle, you know, we’ll always have some moments but we figure it out I guess. That’s why we’re still together. And then later on as they grow older I definitely see my daughter is very a Daddy’s Girl even though my husband is not around a lot. But every time he came back or even when we talk online she always misses him; she’s always like Daddy, Daddy! So I can tell, you know, the Daddy figure is so important to help them build the character and everything. I think I lost track of your question.

So come back because I see his importance in their life so I start to appreciate the different role he’s playing. So maybe he’s not the caregiver, per se, because he’s not there. Even when he’s around, when he works in the city, he always came back late, you know, I can’t really depend on him for stuff. I can figure out the day to day ins and out but he is the one there to help them shape their character, be a Daddy figure. So then I start to appreciate that. I see that, appreciate that.

So now we’re sacrificing— maybe not a sacrifice going back to Shanghai— it’s a pretty good life. But we are making a big change for his career, his passion, and we’re willing to do that. I’m willing to do that for him, for the family. So I think we start to appreciate each other.

And also I think the fact that he’s been away I think it adds some value because you have to be of your own. I’m almost like a single parent but that help me, you know, learn— how do I handle different situations? I can pretty much run this ship now. In a sense it’s also good that I’m the boss; I can just make the decision. It can’t be even I don’t even ask for that anymore.

9. I rely on him so much more than I did before, for so much more. Just like, making sure things get done for the kids. I don’t even know how people do it by themselves— I just rely on him so much.

10. Well there’s a lot less personal time. I think that because we were also both working and because one of us at least is on the impatient side, I think that it can lead to some tension. People get tired and they get fatigued. And I do too; we’re both guilty of that. And you can kind of take it out on each other a little bit more easily, get more easily frustrated. I think there’s definitely that. And I think there’s definitely less romantic time too, so that can be a problem.

But it’s interesting because there’s also the other side of it, which is that I get to see him as a dad now. I think he gets to be a little bit more 3-dimensional. I get to see this other side of him and he— he was always playful around me too, singing and laughing, and my husband definitely is a very witty person and he also has a very high threshold for being playful. And that takes a lot of forms. And sometimes that’s with us, with my son and me; and sometimes it’s apart from us. My husband is definitely someone who needs a lot of personal down time just to be alone. So we kind of do struggle with that and I don’t know if there is such a thing as a balance. I don’t think there is. In our house it’s definitely much more like a seesaw that goes up and down. There’s never a point where the fulcrum is completely equal, where it feels totally harmonious. There’s days where it’s definitely tilting too much in the me and our son direction and maybe other days I feel like my husband is putting maybe a little too much time into himself, to be honest. But I think it’s interesting to see him as a parent. And I like seeing him as a dad. And sometimes I look at him and I see him being a dad and I think to myself: okay so when he gets a little bit short with me I can pull back and say okay that’s alright I get where he’s at he’s just tried. And so I think it makes you a little bit more tolerant of your spouse’s idiosyncrasies.

It also can be a strain. It’s both. There’s a positive side and there’s definitely a drawback side, and we’re definitely finding our way. Always just finding our way. And sometimes having a child brings out those differences a little bit more. For my husband, an ideal vacation is going to an all-inclusive resort like we just did, and that was fun. For me, because we’re a family now, it’s got a different dynamic; I like to do the tours. I like history. I want our son to be exposed to different cultures, different histories. I love that kind of vacation and so sometimes we have to take turns at which one wins out and usually we find a blend. Usually we do one a year that’s more all-inclusive and one that’s more history-based. In both those contexts we try to find things that our son will like too.

We definitely have our good moments and we definitely have our frustrated moments with each other. And that is exacerbated when you have a child. That’s just a reality. I think that’s a practical reality for all, you know, adults. Whether both partners are working or not I think there’s going to be tensions and frustrations that build up that each doesn’t know the other has had. I think the key is you just have to try to keep the lines of communication as open as possible so you don’t wait for a small problem to build up into a big one. And that’s never been a forte for me. And that’s a skill that I have to work on: not letting the little things that happen during the day build up into something bigger. I work on that. I’m not fully there yet. It’s definitely a struggle point for me.

Because we are different people we have different values. My husband and I grew up differently, different backgrounds. I mean, some similarities: we’re the same religion, and some similar values and some different values. And different interests. We have some things in common and some things not. My husband is great at sports. I’m not great at sports. I like certain sports. I like gymnastics; I like tennis. Lately I like soccer. And that’s one thing that we both started to like together is soccer. My husband loves soccer and I didn’t know that. So we kind of discovered that through being a family. We’re watching soccer now together. Things like that. I try to find— even where there’s differences— try to find the points where we have something in common.

I will never like football. I will never follow football. My brain does not understand; I don’t comprehend football. There’s something about it that completely eludes me. But soccer I get. And then we get our son watching it with us and we get excited and we watch it together. So I try to do that. Sometimes when I communicate with my husband I try to use sports analogies. I try to talk to him in his language. Men and women fundamentally communicate in different ways, I find. So I do try to find ways to communicate better but there’s definitely going to be moments where there’s friction and there are going to be arguments that come up. And I hate arguing; I hate it with a passion. And I hate yelling; I’m an anti-yeller. In his family there was yelling. He grew up with that. And to me, that’s the new form of hitting; I look at that like the new form of hitting. And so I try not to yell when he and I are arguing. But every once and a while you do lose it. And it’s going to happen.

11. So I married my best friend, so we were always a team player. I just found out a very different side of him that I always thought of him as a go-getter, somebody who wants— like, you know, I’ve never seen the softer part of him. That he can be vulnerable. When a child is sick, or the child wants something he really wants to do something for the kid. I’d never seen that side of him.

12. Mom: To me, my husband and I were only married a year; we got married in December and the following January she was born so it didn’t really change it. Because you’re pregnant nine months of that. So we sort of got married and started right away having a family. So our relationship really always involved three people. It was only after she left for college that we really started to really, you know, look at ourselves and our relationship and how to redefine it. I found we have a lot more in common than just: oh where does she have to be? And, you know, school things. And so it was nice to sort of have a natural point for us where we had to decide— what do we do now? We can’t go back all those years and do what we did then because that relationship was sort of an immature relationship; so we sort of had to define that again. Just the two of us and where we wanted to go.

Daughter: We were married for a long time before we had kids; we were married for five years. And I’m still in a little bit of a haze. So that my husband and I are like, what was it like before him? We know we went on trips— there’s pictures so that must’ve happened— But yeah, I think that it brought us closer in a lot of ways. When the baby was really little and colicky— not really colicky but he was crying a lot at night because that’s what newborns do— I remember thinking, saying to the baby, “you be nice, he’s a nice man. He’s a very nice man he’s getting up with you! Picking you up! Walking you around!” And I feel lucky. He is a really good father. But I knew that; I suspected as much. Or else I wouldn’t have wanted to— if I thought he was going to be lousy. No, but he’s great.

I think I feel lucky that we had— I mean there’s been a lot of stress and a lot of tears, you know, in learning how to take care of a baby. But we’ve also laughed a lot? We would laugh a lot at like, 3 AM or later when I would recount to him what had happened. Like once: he would wake up with a start, you know, when the baby was really little— less so now— but when he was really little we were both sleep-deprived and the baby would fall asleep on us and then we would move him into his crib. But sometimes my husband would wake with a start and say, “where’s the baby!?” Like we’d accidentally slept on top of him. I’d say, “he’s in his crib go back to sleep.” And once he woke up and he said, “oh where’s the baby?! Oh I got him” and I said, “No you’re holding a pillow” he said, “no, no I’m holding the baby” and I said, “no. No you’re holding a pillow.” So I feel like an element of the absurd has entered into our marriage for keeps now. We make up a lot of silly songs. We realize how absurd— like poopy diapers— how inappropriate they are in front of other people when they come into your house and you’re like [sings a song about poop] and you’re like: Oh! Oh there’s people here never mind. Keep that inside the family.

13. I don’t know if I’d say the relationship has fundamentally changed yet because it’s been such a short period of time but I definitely already feel like I’ve seen my husband in a different way— like in a capacity that I probably otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to see him. And I see him showing his love language now in a totally different way. Our son is going to be 12 tomorrow; he is fully capable of putting together his own snacks for camp. But, like, my husband does it every night. Just because that’s his love language. He likes acts of service. He wants to wash your dishes and put your snacks in a little bag for camp. So it’s been sweet to see that part of him in a different way.

14. Ha. That’s funny. I just got my husband a Father’s Day card that listed all the things that were “before” versus all the things that were “after” like: taking joy rides and then carpooling and sleeping in and being up at the crack of dawn— how things have changed. What was the actual question? I think we’re definitely at that stage with two little kids now that we don’t spend as much time as I would like just the two of us working on our relationship. It’s definitely much more about the kids right now. I think we do try and make time when we can but a large part of that too is babysitters and that kind of thing. Since we have our family that watches the kids during the week I feel guilty asking them to watch on weekends and that kind of thing. But I would say we still try and have a date night every— it ends up being once a month it seems like these days.

But it is interesting. I feel like we’ve definitely evolved and, like I said, he is so hands-on and I’m so appreciative of that because I see a lot of my friends’ husbands who are not that way and I just don’t know how they can do it. It’s such a team effort I think to raise children. I think I appreciate him, even though we don’t get the quality time so much, I still really appreciate him. And I think I appreciate him more than I did before now that I see what he does. And sometimes you have to stop and think about it. I would say less quality time but I do appreciate him more. And I do appreciate— when we do have a date night or something it’s that much better if that makes sense. And I also think we both really enjoy doing stuff as a family, which is nice, when we do both have time off at the same time.

15. That’s interesting. I think it’s made our relationship so much better because I really feel like we both appreciated each other in a different way. I never felt that sense of romance goes out the window. I don’t know if he would answer the same way. I never felt the sense of withdrawal of feeling like my relationship with my husband was so different now. And I don’t know if that’s necessarily because we worked hard on keeping the spark alive or something. I just feel like we both really love being parents and I feel like this is kind of a Pollyanna answer because it sounds like I’m just like, “everything is great!” But what actually has been really difficult or challenging is that we were raised very differently so we had different views on all kinds of parenting things. There are times that we really butt heads. And we’ve been very careful about how that plays out for the kids. We don’t argue about styles in front of the kids but we will argue about them otherwise. To some degree that’s because we don’t agree with how the other one was raised? This is not all styles were created equal; that’s actually just wrong— But I actually think that’s been a productive thing because as we’ve worked through them I think that we’ve realized we’re really on the same page about a lot of things. It’s also about training ourselves that being the best parent doesn’t necessarily mean parenting like our parents. Like, it’s not a competition; we’re just trying to raise good kids.

I think in some cases and I’m not saying who, but it wasn’t me, you might not think that the way your parents did it was the right way but it’s still ingrained in you because it’s how you were raised so it’s this natural reflex to respond certain ways? So that’s a fun training exercise. Therapy. Lots of therapy. I’m a lover of therapy I think it’s great.

16. I feel like this is something I talk about with all my friends. So I feel like there’s nothing sexy about parenthood. Again, not better not worse just different. Your priority is sort of shifted to the well-being of your kids. I mean you have a newborn that comes home; they basically have no neck for 6 months, right? They can’t breathe, they look like everything’s a struggle to them. Are they breathing? Are they suffocating? Are they hungry? Are they wet? It’s like everything is for the little person.

It just changed a little bit. But I think you have to go through it together. It’s sort of like a phase, right? We don’t go out for dinner that much alone. We should. Especially moving here: we don’t have a sitter anymore, we don’t know anybody here really. How does it change? It’s just busier. You have to carve out moments in time for each other. Even if it’s a wink from across the room or just maybe trying to appreciate the little things. But I think acknowledging them is huge, too. If you feel under-appreciated it’s awful. And then it just creates tension. When he was working— and I’m a stay at home mom now— and when I was getting up in the middle of the night with the kids and he’d be sleeping peacefully I’d stare at him and be like I want to fucking smother you with the pillow because you can get up too. We can share in this a little bit. But you have to have fun. It’s just different. It’s just a little different. I don’t know how it changes, it just does. There’s nothing that, like, [snaps] happens it just sort of happens. And I think it happens to everyone because I have these conversations with all of my friends. It’s just different and you don’t know why but maybe it’s just the way women are hardwired to just say, “you’re a grown ass man – figure it out and let me deal with the kids.”

17. I mean my poor husband. I would say it’s gotten harder because I feel like I— my husband has said, “you tell me what you need, like, you think of yourself as the CEO of our family and tell me what you need” and I don’t want to. I want him to just know but he doesn’t know because even if he does do it sometimes I’m like that wasn’t right; that wasn’t the way I wanted it. He really can’t win in this situation right now. So we really just keep telling ourselves— and it’s gotten better— that we know we’re going to get out of this. But it’s definitely more of me telling him what to do than it being like an equal partnership and I don’t like— I never liked telling my husband what to do. I never liked that kind of relationship. I wasn’t in charge of him when we were married; we were very equal. He’s very opinionated. And the problem is the more power I get the more I abuse it. Which is why I can’t date a guy or marry a guy who would allow me to walk all over him because I would if given the chance; it’s not a good trait of mine but it’s something I would do. Whereas my husband doesn’t allow that. He’s good and he’s easy-going so generally if I really feel strongly about something, and I tend to feel strongly about more things than he does, he’s like, “that’s fine.” But if he does feel strongly about it we’re going to have a conversation about it and I’m not always going to get my way. Whereas I feel like the shift has been I’m just telling him what to do and he’s doing it and that I don’t love.

18. I think that in some ways in my marriage my husband’s career had always been center stage; even though I was a professional also, he had this super important job of being a doctor and saving people’s lives and his hours were crazy and so our lives revolved around his career. We moved for it; we moved for all his training. And then when we had a child that kind of had to be readjusted a little bit because as an early mom I wanted our life to revolve around her needs and he still had his crazy schedule and work life that wasn’t changing. So we’ve had to adjust to that over time and now we’re in a good rhythm but it took awhile.

19. That’s such a loaded question. To be honest there’s just totally less sex. I am busy and I am tired. But we try to make date night at least twice a month. It’s matured in one way. I think I’ve become more like him which I don’t necessarily enjoy because I’m a mover and shaker: I love to go out, I love to be outside. And he’s more of a homebody so I’ve adjusted more to his lifestyle which leads me feeling a little— like I have to scratch my head like— what’s happening? So I think he’s probably very happy that I’m home more, that I expect less of him maybe? That I’m not saying, “let’s go see a show!” So it’s changed, but it’s evolving. It’s a constant thing that you hope you grow and you keep communicating and appreciating. It’s a moment. I try to think it’s a moment in time and it won’t be like this forever. And I’ve also become— I lean on my friends more. I try to make more time to be out with my good friends when I can so that I don’t expect him to fulfill everything that I used to expect him to. I try to get it from different places.

20. It has made me fall in love with my husband all over again. I always knew he would be an amazing father, but seeing him in action and how patient and caring he is with the kids is just incredible. He is truly an equal partner, and the bond we have from creating these little people is just amazing.

21. So we decided— we made a pact— when we were coming home from the hospital that we were not going to compare sleep and we were not going to compare diaper changes. So we’re not going to be like, oh well I was up this much last night! And I think that was a really good rule because suffering is relative but it’s easy when you’re tired and you’re cranky to be like, “well I was up all night and you don’t get how uncomfortable I am.” And at first when my husband would be like, “oh I’m so tired” I would be like, “ugh” in my head, like don’t even talk to me about that. But no. He is tired. Just because I feel tired doesn’t mean he doesn’t get to feel his feelings. So I think it’s been good because we’ve had to be more— not that we weren’t honest and direct before— but I just feel like more compassionate with each other and take care of each other and we were good at that anyway but I think we just took it for granted. And also sex. Making time for that. And time to connect. I remember saying before he was born— maybe I read it— we’re going to spend 15 minutes every day of uninterrupted time just talking to each other not about the baby. But it’s like that’s literally not possible right now because one person is always with the baby. So I feel like our relationship is stronger and I love him more and I love seeing him as a dad; I think it’s so cool. But I’m not a snappy person and there is something about being sleep-deprived that makes you want to snap so it’s been like— just effort.

22. Well, before I had my first daughter we were together every second except when we were at work; we did everything together. Every single thing we did together. Once she was born I spent a lot more time with her. We still spent a lot of time together but I spent more time with her so I wasn’t spending every minute with him.

23. Mis prioridades.

24. I think it is stronger. But I think we really have to work at it. I’ve always sort of known that just like watching my parents work at it and just seeing a lot of other relationships around me but I don’t think I understood. But I could totally see how— like when people say, “but then we had a kid—” you’re like, if you’re not in a good spot before you have a kid it is not going to get better. And I think I value him a lot more even than I did before. I think he’s a pretty unusual person in general but just recognizing— and I could complain about the dumb stuff he does: he’ll leave like a drop— and we can joke about it because we’re in a really good place— but it’s just the sort of thing where, like, I can see how in a decade someone gets divorced over like a drop of water left in the water bottle that you don’t put in the recycling. But next to it. Because some days I think it’s funny— most days. But also I show him how I think it’s funny. And I was like, I could put a whole Instagram of things and I’d call it “Where My Husband Puts It” and like I’ll take a picture of like, the key bowl and he’ll put them right next to it and I’ll show it to him and I’ll be like I’m not criticizing you; it’s just really interesting to me. And he’s like it is funny that I do that. But I could also see if we were in a bad place where that would be a real pain point for both of us. But we’re not so it’s just funny. But I think it’s actually made me appreciate— to be able to laugh at things like that—‚ as long as I’m able to step back and look at all the other things that he does for our family. I don’t like when people are like, “he helped.” I’m like, he’s not helping; he’s a participant. This isn’t my family and he’s in it. This is our family and he is a full on— we are partners. So if he wasn’t I think it would be harder for me.

I will say it’s hard— I have to remind myself to be affectionate to him. Because I’m spending all day hugging and kissing the kids and the dogs and like he comes home and, like, turns out I don’t have a finite amount of hugs and kisses but like I have to remember. You’re touched all day. Someone needs something from you or is touching you or is whatever— expecting something— you’re just spending a lot of time giving. So that’s something that again— work. Just remind myself— like the patience thing— I have to remind myself to be patient with him. I need to remind myself that he doesn’t know what it’s like to be asked of and needed and touched all day and whatever. And that if I want something from him I have to give it to him too. I think our relationship is great and I know he does too. Not perfect and not without argument but definitely stronger. But I do often think I see how it can devolve and quickly. And then you’re like— what happened? There are some days when you’re like, I love this person so much; I can’t imagine ever not feeling this way and then 3 days later I’ll be like, you are the worst fucking person; I cannot believe we’re married. And then I remember I just loved him so much like 3 days ago how do I get back to that?

25. Yeah. Not that it’s a loaded question but it’s made me love him a lot more for seeing how wonderful he is with the girls and he’s such a good dad and he’s so much fun. But also there’s certain— well, there’s certain things that are intuitive for mothers that it’s like how did you not know just do— this—like I feel I’m quick and easily frustrated with him on things like before we had kids it would be like whatever it didn’t bother me. I have less patience with him. I feel like after I had our first there was one time maybe a month or two in where I’m like I have a child now I no longer take care of you where this is concerned. It may have been the first time I got sick and he had to take care of her all by himself and I was like, I don’t know why you think you can’t handle this; she’s not that difficult. I guess it brought to light how much I took care of him before I had a baby. I was great to you. You were like my baby. But you’re not a baby. You know what I mean? I am quicker to get frustrated with him on certain things and I don’t understand, like, why after having 2 why anyone would think that having a baby would save a marriage, because if anything, it just brings to light little quirks that maybe before didn’t bother you but now you’re like I’m not going to put up with that because now I have to put up with this over here. They actually depend on me. So yeah.

Before I went into the hospital with my second I had to write out a meal prep food chart for my older daughter for school. My husband was like, what do you pack her for A.M. snack? Because the day care we take her to you have to supply all the bottles, all the food. He’s like, how many water bottles do I need? I’m like, you do drop off every day so you’re the one unpacking her bag. You’ve never counted, oh, there are 4 water bottles here? Or like she always seems to have a banana and some cheese for A.M. snack because that’s what she likes? You’ve never noticed? Okay here we go. So I literally had to write out like a week and a half food chart while I was in the hospital and he would still call me at night and be like okay so I’m just gonna do, like, peanut butter and jelly for the next day and I’m like, Jesus Christ, where’s the sheet of paper? I tacked it on the board. I put it on the board! Oh, and dinners too. I did dinners.

26. Well we have less time to just the two of us. And we spend a lot of the time that we do have talking about and planning for the kids.

27. If it was possible I appreciated him more and more and more; he was just the best partner in the whole world. The best husband. The most considerate. The most understanding. I felt very, very lucky. And still do.

Kids change things, amiright? Not just in terms of your relationship with your significant other but in terms of your relationships with friends, family, and strangers. In what ways did your relationships change? And perhaps more significantly:

Coming up: How did becoming a mother change you?