Seeing Stars

There are two kinds of car nappers – the kind that will sleep when the car is stopped and the kind that won’t sleep when the car is stopped. Currently parked in the driveway with #4 who is one of the first kind. He’s sleeping. I’m picking the pimples on my face.

It’s not my fault really. There are only a few things to do when your kid is sleeping in the car. Either you’re driving around in circles checking out the various neighborhoods near your house or near wherever the closest drive thru coffee place is or you’re on your phone or you’re looking at your face in the mirror. You’d clean th garbage but the crinkling receipts and empty water bottles would undoubtedly wake your child (who has the capability of sleeping through home construction) and anyway you don’t have a garbage bag. You’d read but your book is on your nightstand open to the same page it’s been on for three nights because bedtime is the only and worst time to get reading done.

For me being on the phone means taking pictures of myself. My husband made he mistake of telling me I looked like a movie star before I left the house so I decided to use portrait mode and see if I could capture the look:

Then I got bored and started including props:

Because sometimes I get it into my head that I can be one of those #liketoknowit girls or something. And I have fun pretending I’m someone who people who don’t me care about. And then I look at the pictures zoomed in and realize that portrait mode is unforgiving and my pores are very large.

Meanwhile the baby is still sleeping and I’ve had time to drive to try drive thru Starbucks, drink my entire almond milk latte, take dozens of narcissistic selfies AND write about it.

And so I’ll leave you to do whatever it is you’re doing on this Saturday afternoon and I’ll go back to taking pictures of myself making duck faces.

Manners by Mama – Guide to Visiting People with Kids

There are many different types of guests. There’s the dinner party guest, the cocktail party guest, the game night party guest, the stopping in for a chat guest, the play date guest, the overnight guest, the brunch guest, the committee meeting at someone’s house guest, the list goes on. If you are visiting someone’s house under any of these circumstances it us customary to bring a small token of appreciation for the host. The host has to do at least one of the following: clean, provide food, drinks, entertainment, a warm place to sleep, a good time.

Most hosts love to do these things which is why they choose to throw the party or invite the friend. As a courtesy it’s appropriate to acknowledge the host’s efforts by giving them something small in return. You’re familiar with the concept if you’ve heard the term “hostess gift.”

In this guide I will lay out my guidelines for the following guest – the single person or childless couple visiting friends with kids.

Here’s what you have to think about:

1. What’s the occasion
2. What time to visit
3. Who will be there
4. What to bring
5. What to do when I’m there
6. How long to stay

Number 1. What’s the occasion?

Is it someone’s birthday? Are you in town for a few days and want to stop by to catch up? Did your host recently move? Have a baby? Something to keep in mind.

Number 2. What time to visit.

When visiting a family there is never an ideal time because kids are unpredictable. The morning is generally a safe bet because kids tend to get tireder and crankier as the day goes on and people with kids are usually up at the crack of dawn so no time is too early.  (I’ve noticed people without kids (or young kids anyway) often think 11 is a good time for brunch but at that point my kids (and I) have had at least 2 breakfasts and a snack and we’re full on ready for lunch.) Depending on the age of the child/children you’ll be visiting they may take a morning nap.  If you wanted to arrive at 10 and the kid takes a morning nap at 10:30, your host will have to leave for as long as it takes to get the kid to sleep which could be 5 minutes or 45.

Morning is good for temperament but afternoon is often good because by about 2 o’clock in the afternoon, if not sooner, most parents are wondering what on earth they are going to do with the rest of the day and your visit will break up the monotony of the “siblings fighting, parents yelling” routine quite nicely.

Generally you shouldn’t suggest a dinnertime visit because dinnertime is the bane of a parent’s existence. Kids are demanding and tantrumy because it’s the end of the day and because that’s how kids are. Parents are on edge and tired from a long day of work or entertaining their children. And fun as it seems it would be to catch up over dinner, you’d find yourself in a conversation like this: “Oh! Tell me about your trip to..Jimmy hands to yourself..Turks & Caicos you must have had…Jimmy what did I say get your hands off of your brother…it must have been so…Jimmy I’m counting to three…it must have been…1….2……Jimmy when I get to three you’re going to sit by the wall and think…1….2……3……ugh I’m sorry I want to hear about your trip I just….need….Jimmy stop kicking me…..” You get the picture.

In general the best thing to do is ask your host what time works for them. If you want to seem particularly in the know, you can say “I’m excited for our visit! What time is best for you? I don’t want to interfere with naps or meal time.” This might leave a very small window in which to actually conduct your visit, but that’s generally what people with kids are working with.

Number 3. Who will be there.

How many kids does your friend have? How old are they? Boys or girls? Just get a general sense of who you’ll be spending time with. It may impact what you choose to bring.

Number 4. What to bring.

What to bring is impacted by numbers 1, 2, and 3. A morning visit may mean coffee and bagels or something else breakfasty.  If you are thinking of bringing food, let your host know the day before so that s/he doesn’t spend time worrying about what to serve.  Ask about allergies. If you are bringing food you have to assume everyone will eat (big bagels for the adults and mini bagels for the kids or donuts for all and munchkins for the kids etc) but don’t be surprised if the kids don’t eat. Kids are weird and you just can’t know. If you plan to bring coffee, text your friend in advance – even by a day or two – just to say “hey we’ll be stopping at Dunkin’ before we get to your house – how do you like your coffee?” If you go in the afternoon you could potentially bring cookies or something similar.  The problem with that is you’d of course be offering them to adults and kids alike and you never know if your host wants their kids eating random crap in the middle of the day.  I can’t think of a time that coffee wouldn’t be appreciated. Therefore you can text or call ahead of time (by a day or two) and/or even at the last minute – “hey – we’re 5 minutes away but stopped at Starbucks – what can we bring you and so-and-so?”

You may choose to forgo the food and bring a small token for the kids instead. So who will be there? Multiple kids or just one? Boy or girl? A book is a good choice if you want to go the gift route just make sure it’s appropriate for the age – one book for multiple kids is fine.  Is it a child’s birthday? Is that the reason you are visiting? A small birthday gift or card is a nice gesture and something very small for any siblings. Kids don’t need much. They are often happy with things like cardboard and packing peanuts so don’t go nuts. A card with a sheet of stickers, a box of crayons and a coloring book, a magic marker book.  These kinds of things have the delightful quality of being a gift for the kid and a distraction so that you have a chance to chat with your friend.

Is it your friend’s birthday? Generally adults don’t need to exchange gifts in quite the same way kids do. You can bring flowers or a candle or something from the $20 and under table at West Elm or Anthropologie. This kind of gift is appropriate whether or not it is your friend’s birthday as it would work as a hostess gift as well.

Did your friend just move or is this your first time in their new house? A housewarming gift is appropriate.

Is there a new baby in the house? A small gift for the baby or mom is a nice gesture.

All of the above is also influenced by how friendly you are with the person you’re visiting.  If it’s a friend you see fairly regularly, you probably won’t show up with a candle or flowers but it’s nice to offer to bring coffee.  If it’s someone you haven’t seen in awhile you may be more likely to bring some peonies.

When in doubt – wine. Where there are parents, wine will never go unappreciated.

Number 5. What to do when I’m there.

All kids are different.  Some kids are the type to run up to a new person and talk, play, show them their new dance routine, burp the alphabet, etc.  Some kids are quieter and shyer around and unfamiliar face (and sometimes around a familiar face). You never know what the kids will be like so be prepared to do whatever and follow your friend’s lead. If you’ve brought a book or toy for the child you can read or play for a moment and then turn your attention to the adults. Some kids might barely notice you and will happily play, allowing you and your host to catch up.  Your host may throw on the the television to keep the kids distracted.  If you settle down in a playroom it’s easy to both play and have adult time.  I think the best thing to do is see what your host does and follow her lead.

Number 6. How long to stay.

All good things must come to an end and when children are involved that end is sooner rather than later.  Like birthday parties, I would say anywhere from 1-2 hours is ideal. It’s enough time to do a basic run through of the goings-on in each other’s lives, play a little, have a nosh, and say goodbye. I don’t think anyone can expect to go anywhere for less than an hour and more than 2 and you’re heading into watch-checking territory.  It’s not that your friend doesn’t want to see you for longer, just that there is likely some meal, nap, or other activity that has to be attended to.

Simple, right? Not too many rules. And always, always – when in doubt, wine.

What do you think? Did I miss anything crucial? What other guides are you looking for? Post a comment to let me know!