Mom Talk – Part 12

Question: What do you want most?

Once people have kids they tend to be like: I’d throw myself in front of a bus to save my child. I have to be honest. I’m not saying that if push came to shove I wouldn’t throw myself in front of the bus, but thinking about it now? I can’t, in all honesty, say I’d willingly do it. I know that makes me incredibly selfish but I’m just too afraid to die. I want my children to live long happy lives and I want to live a long life to watch them be happy.

Two months ago, when I thought of what I wanted most in the world, well, yes I thought about the health and happiness of my children. Very vaguely. I didn’t know what it would take to make them happy, of course, but I knew that I ultimately that’s what I wanted them to be. I also thought about me. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be fulfilled. What would have made me happy before? It would have been great if my husband could have been home more. It would be nice to spend real, quality time together as a family. I would have loved to not have to run around like a lunatic shuttling my children around from activity to activity but also not to then feel incredibly guilty for not ensuring they were developing skills to put on their college applications.

In the past two months our lives have fundamentally changed. This global pandemic has disrupted every life on the planet. For me in the past two months: my husband has been home more. I’ve spent real, quality time with my family. I’ve had the most incredible break from shuttling my children around from activity to activity and I don’t feel remotely guilty because no one’s kids are spending this time furthering their resumes. I have the things I wanted— the things I thought would make me happy. And they do. I am happy.

So now with a new perspective and outlook on life what do I want most? I still want health and happiness for my family and for me. I want the coronavirus to pass us by and leave us unscathed. I want my kids to get through this with resilience and strength. I want them to return to their social, public, community lives carefree and untroubled. I want them to love school again. And I want the same for every child. I’m not super excited for a world where my kids succeed more than other kids because I had the flexibility and ability and resources and environment to help them through homeschooling. I think right now more than anything what I want is a world where children are not punished for circumstances beyond their control.

The answers:

2. There’s the cliche happy, healthy child and if everybody else goes with that I want to go with that. And happy, healthy husband. He’ll be offended if I leave him out. And happy, healthy me. Outside of that I would like for us to be comfortable enough and settled enough where we can go we can have adventures; we can spend more time together as a family and see more things— have more experiences. I read something this morning— some Oprah quote— of course it was— it was something along the lines of, “square footage doesn’t fill you up” and I really resonated with that. I have more square footage than I could ever imagine but it doesn’t fill you up; it’s the experiences. So. So more experiences. Together.

3. In what category? I have a lot of things. Legacy. I want to be able to, like, if I drop dead in a week I want to have left something behind that is somewhat meaningful that has helped people, touched people in some way, that my kids can say, you know, look back and say my mom did great work. My mom did something that— there’s a reason why she went to work. She had a purpose and a mission and it wasn’t just random.

4. I really want my kids to find a productive, happy ,healthy groove and to be close enough to me that I’m part of it or that I get to talk to them about it. I don’t have to be in the trenches with them but I want to see them fly and pull people with them. If I never had another car and had to take a bicycle everywhere— if I had that I need nothing else.

5. I want my kids to always feel like we are their biggest supporters and biggest fans and they can always turn to us no matter how old they are. I want them just to feel like we are so trusted and we are always on their side and we have this unconditional love no matter what they do. I want that when I think of the future of our family.

6. I want my children to be kind and resilient and grateful. And hardworking. One of the things— I remember when Steve Jobs’ book came out— when Steve Jobs was a thing there was this quote that used to fly around: “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.” And that quote pissed me off because anything, anything that you love takes hard, hard work. I don’t want my kids to ever have the notion that things are just going to come easy to them; they are going to have to work. I felt like when I was young I was naturally smart, I was naturally okay at everything. I didn’t really work hard. I didn’t start to work hard until I was out of college and I feel like I could have— I don’t know— I could have made more impact if I had done that earlier on in life. I want to instill that in the kids now: that if you want something you might be okay at it to start. For example, my older daughter is showing natural talent at gymnastics. Okay, well you wanna do gymnastics? Guess what – you have to practice every single day. You have to work at something or work hard at things. So hard work is very important to me and when he said that I was like, yeah you’re giving the wrong idea to people; this is not the right idea to have.

7. For me or as a mother? I just— it’s probably very selfish— if I had to prioritize anything I would prioritize their happiness over anything else in the world but most importantly and not that it’s within my control but I would wish that they would just be healthy. And it’s absolutely out of my control. But it’s all I could ever hope for for them. Totally out of my control and totally selfish. I could say “world peace” but I know that we’re not fighting for that every day.

8. Right now? What do I want most? I think that keeps changing. I can recall when I was little or up to 30 I always want to be the person other people want me to be because I care so much, I couldn’t accept failure. Keep studying so much to go to the best university in China then came to the US, whatever. Everything is how other people see me. But now— what’s the question again? Now I just what I want most is, well again, before I was hoping to find my passion, hoping to be the person I could be and now I think I’m getting there sort of now. I think everything sort of came together. I think we also heard about Steve Jobs speech; he talk about connecting the dot. So okay I put so much effort in studying to help build my brain. It helps me now because managing kids is not easy. Your brain needs to function, multi-task all the time. So that helps me as a mother. So then it comes to me, what else I was working on, public speaking. To be honest I started Toastmasters three years ago. I was kind of have my judgment about the program because a lot of persons in the program don’t know how to speak why do I need to join this program, learn with a bunch of people don’t know how to speak? But I was in the program 2, 3 years and it helped so much because you just need practice; all you need is practice and you can change. And same for the workout— you just need to keep going. So I think it all came together because you just put some effort in there and all you need to do is just try a little longer and you will find out the joy, the achievement through it. So I think it all came back together, put together that it helped me find my passion. I mean this job is not easy either because I never done marketing. And me and my partner fight so many times. I cried. I literally cried so much. And she doesn’t know. It’s okay. But I think I know it’s important to keep going because I’ll overcome whatever is not working until the moment it start to work. I don’t know if I answer the question.

9. I want my kids to be happy. And my husband, right? I want my family to be happy, to live their best lives. Everybody is going to go through hard times especially at school but I want them to be able to come out from it hopefully and not too scarred; just happy.

10. Another child definitely. I would stand on my head for half an hour; I would do whatever someone made me do if I could have that. I just think it would round things out so nicely. I think it would bring contentment. I think that would be the most satisfying thing to me.

11. For my children to grow up as good human beings. Kind and generous. I would love for them to go to a good college, but if they don’t at least they should be very kind and generous to people.

12. Daughter: I want him to be happy and healthy and I want to build a life that is— that works for everyone in my family. I want to take him on trips and I want to read books with him and I want to keep writing and I want my husband to like his new job and be happy in it. I want to meet other mom friends. I just want to figure out a way to piece it together. Maybe that’s not super articulate but that is what I most want.

Mom: Just health and more years with my husband and for them to have what they want. To be a part of my grandson’s life.

13. From life? I want to live— I can’t think of a better adjective— but a full life. I want to feel like I have leaned into— again, not to have buzz words but I can’t think of a better way to say it— every potential thing I possibly could and that I realize my full potential. I think that for me would be considered success.

14. Honestly? I think a big piece of it is just to have happy, healthy kids that grow to be happy, healthy adults. And have a tight family unit. I think you know that my husband’s parents split so that’s not lost on me that you really have to put the time and effort into your own relationship as well. But I think happy, healthy family unit and like I said, that they grow into well-adjusted children. I think that’s pretty much the most important thing to me.

15. Sleep in? What do I want most. I think probably what everybody wants most which is to live a fulfilling life where I have, for me, personally, accomplished things professionally that I’m proud of while being the kind of mom that I want to be and the kind of wife that I want to be and the best version of myself and the best version of my life? I’d really like a beach house? I mean yeah, fulfillment and happiness. And a beach house. Fulfillment and happiness to me but that encompasses the fulfillment and happiness of my family. And health obviously for the people that I love. Is that too much to ask?

16. Happiness and health. I don’t need money. I don’t need things. My brother is not a well guy. He has a mechanical valve. He, my brother, almost died like 9 times just from random shit that’s happened. So I think when you’re faced with that you look at life differently. My husband has never— he hasn’t faced major adversity. His dad does have dementia now so this is his first dealings with— My mom, she’s 75, she’s still sharp as a whip. I couldn’t imagine seeing a parent— and to see what he was. He was this tough, big, strong guy and, you know, the disease totally took him over. But still, he’s ticking! He’s tough. My father in law is badass like a tough guy. I say to my husband— you don’t know. To live— you have to live your life. If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. My dad died and my brother almost died. It was a lot to deal with and you just appreciate the little things.

My brother came here for Thanksgiving and he was in the hospital a few days before he came and I was like oh my God he’s not going to come and he came. He fucking drove from Chicago to come here and I was so happy. Because all I wanted was just to be with— you know because I don’t have a big family— so my brother is the only thing I have besides my mom. So I think health and happiness. Because everything else is trivial bullshit: keeping up with the Joneses and who has the better car and you know the bigger ring or house or whatever. Your grave’s the same size. Right? Like, stay humble type of attitude. You have your health? You’re good. When I got really sick— it grounds you. Ask any person dying of cancer: what do you want? They want their health. They just want to be healthy and happy. That’s all I want. I don’t care about the other shit. I do like a nice purse or something I’m not going to say I don’t like that stuff. But when you get down to the nitty gritty, it’s the simple things. Life is simple. It is simple. People are odious creatures. People complicate stuff.

17. Honestly the thing I want most is happy, well-adjusted kids that grow into adulthood. What I want most is my kids to outlive me. That’s a terrible thing to say but it’s something that’s always in the back of my head that I think about I just want my kids to outlive me in the best way possible.

18. You know, I always want all the people that are around me that are in my inner circle and that I love to be happy and content. I’ve always been a person that just has a lot of empathy for others and sometimes it’s bad for me because I worry about them more than myself; but you know I want everybody in my family to be healthy and happy. It would be really nice if the world could be that way too but I don’t really think I have a lot of pull to make that happen. I guess I want to feel self-actualized and now that my daughter is approaching full-day school that’s kind of spinning around in my head a lot; because I don’t know whether for me that means kind of re-exploring my professional career or, you know, pursuing artistic things that I kind of always told myself that they were unrealistic as a job and now I don’t really need a job so maybe I should do those things because they make me feel good. I don’t know. I’m not sure. I’d probably be healthier if I could tell you.

19. For myself or—? At the end of the day I just want to be comfortable and healthy. Comfortable to me is not stressing. I feel like my husband and I spend a lot of time stressing about how we’re going to do this, how we’re going to do that. I want us to be comfortable where that stress and strain is not there. But, you know, again I think that I’m grateful. My mother always told me when her mother moved out she rented a room. And her mother told her to be better than her so she moved out and moved into an apartment with my dad. And then I moved out into my own apartment and now I have a house. So she wants me to pass that on to my children, you know, since we have a house that they have to have a bigger house and better. Maybe not feel the stress that my husband and I feel to give them what we give them. So yeah, I think I’m happy overall. I’m in a good place. But I’m still striving to be better. I don’t feel like I need to keep up with the Joneses or anything like but just a little more consistency would be helpful. We’re grateful: good health, we’re homeowners, we have two beautiful children, they’re doing well, they’re in great schools. You have to take your blessings as they come and I’m definitely appreciative of that. So I’ve been happier. Happy would just be the removal of the stress elements to have all those things.

20. Honestly, all I want is for my family to be happy and healthy. That is all I have ever wanted, and has been my one “wish” on every birthday since I was a little girl.

21. Just like happiness for my family and I want him to have what he needs and be happy and have love. I want to enjoy that with my family and my husband.

22. For my kids to be happy.

23. Verlos formar una familia y nos hagan Abuelos.

24. My initial answer was just, like, I just want to be happy whatever that means. But it’s almost like I just want to be comfortable. But I really just want our kids to be comfortable and confident and safe and happy. Those are a lot of things. It should be confident first because if they can be confident in themselves and learn to make good choices and be confident in their choices and trust themselves and I can see that then I know I will be more comfortable especially as they’re getting older. It’s not that I don’t want things for myself but I think I will be a happier self if I know that I will send them out into the world and I don’t have to worry every day that one bad thing is going to ruin their whole lives. And I think a lot of that comes from confidence and ability to make the right choices for themselves. My husband and I talk about that all the time. Because I have everything tangible and intangible so there’s nothing to want. So it’s almost like I want things to stay as they are or on the same path. That’s not to say there aren’t going to be bumps but just general safety, low drama. I think that’s what I want. A healthy life for me and my family.

25. Well, because of having the two kids, not that I didn’t want this before, but I would really like to know that like financial stability just in terms of their education or anything they would need in the future that that just wouldn’t be an issue. That money would just never be an issue. Because I would, you know, just seeing older kids in the neighborhood where they’re going to colleges and things like that it’s just like, I want every opportunity for them basically that money can buy. It probably sounds really awful and disgusting but that is honestly. And also because I was just so scared of all the things that could happen to them I would just want to know— this sounds ridiculous— that I could quit my job, for example, so that I could stay at home just to be like watching them all the time. With stupid stuff. Waiting at the bus stop. Walking with them to school. Obviously you can’t watch your kids 24/7. Emotionally that’s not good for you or anything but I would just want to know that like, yeah, I just— I just would want to know that they were safe at all times.

My mom said no to us for everything, all the time, it was always no. and we always had to get our own jobs whether it was like my sister and I were babysitting all through high school and then I worked through college. My brother was working at the Great Swamp Greenhouse through high school. She never gave us anything. But when push came to shove if we found a camp or something that we wanted to go to like a sports camp or when any of us got into college it was never a question, like, yeah you’re going to this school, don’t worry. It would just kill me if either of my girls were crazy smart and they got into some amazing college that I would have to say no, we can’t do that for you. Or like a program, like if it was a theater program, if it was anything and just having to be like no, you can’t follow that dream right now because Mommy and Daddy can’t afford it and there’s no scholarship. I would hate to have to say no to them. Because I feel like we do have a happy house. And I’m not worried about the laughter and the love that they’re going to feel from my husband and I. I’m more concerned about when it comes down to just like logistical stuff. Then again I also told my daughter that a fan would chop her fingers off the other day so I don’t know, maybe I terrify her. She’s gotta be afraid of me a little bit. Or at least the fan.

​26. What do I want? I want to be healthy and happy and have my family be healthy and happy and grow old and see them thrive and I want to be a grandma and a great-grandma. And be healthy enough to enjoy it.

​27. Oh gosh. That we should all stay healthy and well and live through this most challenging time. Deal with it in a positive way. I have to say I’m just – because of the timing of this— it just overwhelms everything. It puts into highlight how—what’s the word—how precarious everything is in a way that until now I’ve taken so many things for granted.

Coming up: Mom Talk – Part 13 – The Elevator Question

Mom Talk – part 2

Rather listen? I only stumbled over my words a few times this time. You may hear a child crying in the background but at least it won’t be YOUR child. Slap on some headphones and I’ll lull you to sleep…

Question 2: What do you miss from before you had kids?

I wanted kids so badly. Having kids, being a mother, it was the only thing I wanted from as far back as I can remember, and so I spent most of my conscious adult life before kids waiting for the time when I had them. I don’t really miss the life I had before because it wasn’t the life I knew I wanted. I miss aspects of that life. I miss things I didn’t think to value. I miss my body. From the time I thought to think about my body (roughly age 12) I didn’t think I was particularly thin or particularly fit. Now I’d be thrilled to fit into my pre-baby clothes and I slather cream on my stomach day and night in the hopes that it will once again look the way it did when I was 20.

I miss not feeling ragey. I always had PMS (as my parents and sister will confirm) but I was positively angelic compared to how I am these days. Maybe for a few days out of every month I’d be a little sour. With each of my pregnancies my hormones got more and more potent and now? 4 pregnancies in 5 years later? One week I’m apathetic. One week I’m filled with burning rage in the pit of my stomach that bursts out of me without warning. One week I’m mentally feeling okay but I have cramps (which I never had before kids) that feel like Braxton Hicks contractions and an insatiable hunger that seems to only be appeased by candy and bread. I have one week a month of feeling relatively peaceful in both my brain and my body. I’d love to feel a little more internally serene.

I miss the ability to act only for myself. Before I had kids I didn’t have a major impact on anybody’s life— at least not in the way that I’m literally shaping this person’s internal and external world. Any ridiculous immature behavior or comment most likely wasn’t going to affect someone’s life forever. Now I feel like the way I treat my kids— if I show them resentment or contempt at all, ever— I’m potentially affecting their sense of value and self-worth in this world. I’m almost certainly affecting their ability now and in the future to trust me and talk to me and view me as a person who is entirely on their side.

What I learned from talking to moms is that whatever life used to be like and no matter the extent of your current contentment, there are no doubt things you miss from the pre-kid days. Themes that came up: relationship with spouse; pre-baby body; time; freedom; not feeling guilty; self-centeredness; spontaneity; sleep; mental freedom; down time; freedom to do what you want, when you want; and interaction with other adults.

1. Living in Manhattan. That’s fair, right?

2. I miss the way my husband and I interact. We used to interact differently and in some ways we were better. Now I think that we’re very focused on the machine of family and parenting and I think that, um, I don’t know. It’s less sparkly.​

3. My body. A tight stomach. An ass that is round, not rectangle— how about that? I miss that. I miss sleeping in on Saturdays and Sundays. I have to wake them up during the week but on Saturday and Sunday they’re up at 6. They’re allowed electronics on the weekend so they want to wake up and get going.

4. My kids are in high school now so it’s super different. I do remember when my kids were in preschool and elementary school thinking: there was a time in my life when I could have gone to a movie. I remember— and my daughter turned this light on— she was born three weeks before my birthday. On the night of my birthday— and she was just a person who didn’t like to sleep— love her so much— I cried through that night thinking, “what have I done?” Because I’ve lost all of my freedom and all that. Well now I have my freedom back. I can leave the house when my son is home doing whatever he’s doing but I have so much more— you know— the payback is something like infinity.

I am never mentally free. I feel like it’s a decision I make. My daughter is working right now at camp in Northern California. She is two thousand six hundred and something miles away and I’m all texting her like: her shampoo exploded; how are we gonna— I feel like I’m this roving safety net. And she’s super capable— more than I am probably— she doesn’t need me to figure out her shampoo situation for her but I just want it; I just want to be involved. It’s a gesture of: I care and I want to be part of your life.​

5. I would say doing the things my husband and I love to do like travel and things like that without the guilt. We only thought about us. So I miss that.​

6. The ability to jump up and down without worrying about anything. Um, yeah absolutely being able to just not think about anybody but myself was a luxury that I certainly miss; I wouldn’t trade it in for the world. Now sometimes when I get my wish and I have the house to myself I’m like: it’s lonely here like I wish there was more noise. But that’s the one thing. Youth is wasted on the young, and I wish I had the wisdom back then that I do now about, like, taking care of my body and taking care of my mental health and all that stuff. So. Just, like, self-centeredness.

7. I miss being able to be spontaneous: so just being able to pick up and say that to go to the theater or that you want to go out and meet friends for lunch or go get your nails done. I think it’s hard to do things without planning. But I think with time I’ve learned that you’ve gotta make time for all of those things— to be happy and to be sane— so it’s not like I can’t do those things but there’s also an element of the value and the importance of that sort of fades with time. Obviously I do want to be able to spend time with my friends and I can do that and it’s not as frequent as it used to be but yeah, I’d say that’s probably the thing: being spontaneous but also just being able to spend time with friends— especially the ones who don’t have kids because I think it’s very natural to gravitate to the ones that do and you can do playdates and stuff but for the ones that don’t it’s a little bit harder to make time for, like, the girls’ trips or things you used to do. And it doesn’t feel like as big a sacrifice now as it did at that point in time. I think when you first have kids it’s like oh my God this is forever and now, my older daughter being seven now, I actually realize that there’s, like, a handful of summers that we’re going to have left together, you know what I mean? Before they go off? And so realize that it’s not forever. It sounds like a very big chunk of your life— and it is— but I just feel like there will be plenty of time for those girls’ trips and those spontaneous dinners and being able to get your nails done later in life and I’m okay with that.

8. So many things, like, you could just have a date night without thinking, right? You could just go anywhere without thinking of plan your day. But now you have to plan ahead everything. Like with this new job there’s one time I have to fly back to Beijing Friday, fly back Monday. Like, if it’s not with kids I probably can just plan, you know, a two weeks vacation and do it with leisure but now I have to just— because I know my kids will be here with my friends. So I have to come back here to them. You’re so attached to them. Yes, sometimes they make you mad or whatever but you miss them. You miss them so much.

The thing I miss is nobody wakes me up in the morning. I miss that so much. I thought I lose the capability of sleeping longer but apparently I can. As long as I don’t have the kids, I can. I can. You can just hear them. You can just sense they’re around you. I literally thought I lost the capability of sleeping through the night.

9. Time. Always having so much time. But even back then I didn’t appreciate the time. So I think that’s what I miss. And also not being worried about anything, right? Once you have kids you’re always going to be worried about them no matter what. And having that clear head. I think that’s probably what I miss the most.​

10. I guess in moments— time. You sometimes feel like you need to take a break and you can’t always take a break in the moment that you want to, and that can be hard when you’re already so tired and you feel like: okay I need to just keep going and I don’t want to get frustrated with my child and I don’t want to take it out on him but I am tired. And sometimes you find yourself reasoning with your child and that’s not always a good position to be in because they don’t want to be, you know, reasoned with they just want your time and your attention. So I usually just try to push through and I tell myself that this is a moment that only happens this time. And he’s only going to be this age once. And I think that’s kind of how I combat the fatigue. But there are definitely moments where I just would take a break and I can’t.​

11. No I don’t even remember that time!​

12. Daughter: I think— this is not a new insight about motherhood— I miss that feeling that knowing that I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. And your head isn’t anywhere else. So when I’m with the baby I’m thinking— sometimes I’m just with the baby— but, like, often I’ll be like: what do I need to be doing right now? I need to be booking movers or I have an email to respond to. And then when I’m responding to an email or I have some time alone with my husband, I’m thinking about the baby. So that feeling of always— like I can’t separate myself and be doing more than one thing at once or be multiple people. I sort of felt like that before the baby but just in a vague productivity sense like, “boy I wish I could do everything at once!” But that doesn’t compare to being a mother and no matter what you’re doing you’re like I really wish I could be 100% always with my child and 100% taking care of the house and 100% building a career and all that.

So I think that is hard. Even I’ve had that when I’ve gone out to dinner with my husband and, you know, my parents watch the baby and they’ll be like, “just be present with your husband and have fun!” And I’ll be thinking about the baby. And then I would stop for five minutes because we’d be talking about something and I’d be like, “[Gasp!] oh we have a baby I feel so bad I forgot!”

13. I mean don’t get me wrong it’s definitely an adjustment even just figuring out when I’m going to go to the gym I’m like, “oh— where are you going to go?” There’s that constant element of being accountable to someone else. I wouldn’t say that I miss that but it’s definitely a layer of logistics.

When it’s just my husband and I, dinner can be like: oh I’m having a veggie burger and I’m going to eat it standing up with half of an uncooked avocado. Like that’s dinner. But when you have a growing tween he’s like, “what? We’re eating that again?” And I’m like, “how can you already be tired of that, you’ve only been here a week?!” So constantly figuring out dinner is something that I would trade back in because that’s just a lot of work.

14. Probably just the freedom to do what you want to do when you want to do it and not have to worry about other little lives that are also very important. you don’t want to screw them up or anything like that. But I think just the freedom of being able to, like I said, do what you want when you want to do it.

15. I can say I miss something but I would never replace what I’ve gained with it but freedom of schedule. I have some travel coming up and my biggest concern is whether it works for the kids. I have actually two weddings in September. They are both in Italy. One is in Florence and one is in Sicily. And I’ve really tried to train myself to not say I have to go to Italy twice in a month— I get to go to Italy twice in a month. But if I didn’t have children I would just go to Italy for a month and that would be a lot easier than flying there twice and on my son’s first day of Kindergarten, you know. It’s more that I feel like I would be better able to— the freedom— but also I feel bad traveling now because I feel like I’m not there for them.

We’ve gone away. And this is another thing. I don’t know if this is the best parenting thing to do but they seem to tolerate it and they actually seem to have fun when we’re gone. We try to go away for 4 days once a year— the two of us. We call on Facetime; I’m checking the monitor all the time and when we call they’re like, “hey, what’s up?” like, they’re having the time of their lives because our nanny has her daughter there, and I know they’re well-cared for. And I really think I miss them more than they miss me. So in that case I’m like good— because all I really want to do is sleep in. I don’t even have to go someplace; it could be a hotel around the corner.

16. I miss just being able to do things without having to really think about how it’s going to affect another little person. It could be something as simple as going for a manicure or going to the grocery store or going out for dinner. Everything sort of— okay what time can I go? Who has a nap? Who’s going to freak out if I leave her home? So just the freedom, I think, to just sort of— and you don’t realize it until you have a kid. Everyone, when you’re pregnant, they’re like, “go out for dinner now! Go on vacations together now! Because when you have kids it’s going to be so much harder!” Yeah, you just miss that freedom to just pick up and go. I think they mean well, but it’s experience. You don’t understand it unless you do it. You have to do it and you have to live it. Not an aunt, not a cousin, not a grandmother or whatever. You have to do it day in, day out, 24/7, 365 days a year from the day your kid is born until the day it’s all done. Hopefully they out-live you. Until you go, it’s a nonstop job. It never ends. There’s no coffee breaks. There’s no lunch break. There’s no Mommy break. Because even when you leave, you feel guilty. Oh, should I have taken them to the park instead of going for a manicure? Or should I have tickled them an extra 10 seconds before leaving? Or whatever. You just always feel that guilt I think.

17. Just being able to wake up and not having anything to do. I miss— not even sleeping in because I was never a late sleeper. I miss waking up— not waking up to someone waking me. It’s not even about sleeping in. I never really slept past 8 o’clock; it’s not like I miss sleeping till 11. Even if they sleep until 7, if I’m laying down somebody comes in to wake me up— always. And I miss just waking up, laying in bed for a few minutes, and then being like what am I going to do today? I have no idea. I could do anything. That’s what I miss most. Not going out late. Just being like, maybe I’ll just sit and watch TV for 4 hours. Just no structure. Like on the weekends I like having a schedule but I like being able to— I miss being able to just go as I can.

18. My husband and I were just talking about this because my parents were sleeping over and we knew we were, like, going out on a date night; I don’t really miss that because I never really loved going out to restaurants. But we used to take nighttime walks. I really miss having the ability to go on a walk at night. And sometimes if we have a sitter we will purposely come home early just so that we can come home and take our dog for a walk around the neighborhood. What else do I miss? I don’t know. I don’t really miss my pre-mom period. I’m happy with how it is but it was a big adjustment.​

19. Quite honestly just being able to go to the store without having to ask someone can you watch them? Or going to the store becoming such a project if I have to take them with me. Just being able to do what I have to do with ease. It became so much more complicated and time-consuming. Getting the children ready and my son is running under all the clothing or under the racks. Just being able to do things in peace. And not being on such a schedule. I have to say: oh will my mother watch them now for me to go grocery shopping? Do I have to take them grocery shopping? Just the freedom of my time I miss the most.​

20. Sleeping in​

21. I do miss free time. I miss being able to take a class whenever I want or still sometimes I forget that I have to wait till my husband gets home to go do stuff; I can’t just go take care of myself. So I definitely feel real rough around the edges. Like I did get to get a haircut kind of recently and my husband is great in that when I’m like, dude I need some self-care he’s like okay go. But two weeks ago I was supposed to get my nails done— we were having a rough week with him not sleeping and my husband was like definitely when I get home you should go. And then he came home and the baby was a mess and I didn’t get out the door before the place closed and I was devastated. Who cares about my nails? But I miss putting myself first sometimes.

22. No because I was married for 10 years before I was pregnant so we ran around, we did whatever we wanted to do, we picked up and went away; so by the time we had kids I didn’t feel deprived.

23. Mis horas de sueño no volvieron a ser tranquilos.

24. So much less than I thought. I used to miss work friends but now that I’m starting to have mom friends I miss work friends less. I thought I would miss using my brain but I don’t feel like— in a lot of ways I feel like I more actively use my brain than when I worked or before I had kids. I miss, like, getting dressed up for work a little bit. I wasn’t like— it was casual. But I miss, like, when we go on vacation and I have all my favorite dresses. I miss the fashion: seeing what everyone’s wearing. I love going to the city and seeing what people are wearing still and how their hair is cut and not that you can’t do that here but it’s different. Because also people aren’t getting dressed up for work every day and putting on their fun stuff or, like, if they are it seems almost out of place. I think that’s the only thing.

I miss being able to drink and stay up till four in the morning and not be a total miserable human being the next day. I don’t miss drinking so much. Because I could but I would feel miserable. I miss the whole element of, let’s see where the night takes us. I don’t have to think about this so actively kind of thing. I don’t mind all the structure but I love not having to plan anything. When my husband and I have gone on trips or vacation by ourselves which has happened a couple of times I love like— when I travel I’m really not a structured planning person at all. And typically I like to pick an area, walk around that spot and see whatever important things you’re supposed to see but see how people live and what they do and what it’s like and what life is like wherever that is, like, be that Arizona or Tokyo. And with little kids you can’t do that in the same way. But that will come back. I miss the spontaneity of pre-child life. When someone’s in town and you’re like I’m gonna be there and it’s like, let’s meet up and you can’t really do that anymore.

But I used to miss more but then I started thinking like this is so short-lived and when I hear people talking about: now we go to the beach and my kid plays with this and they’re 8 and 10 and they don’t even need me— that makes me feel sad. Once I realized that, like, how precious this moment in time is to me I missed a lot less. There was a month where the interior lights were on in my car. Maybe it wasn’t that long but I couldn’t figure out how to turn them off; I thought they were broken. They weren’t. But I thought they were. And someone was like, “doesn’t it bother you when you’re driving at night?” And I’m like, I usually come home around 2 and that’s it. Because then she naps and we have dinner and she goes to bed and I go to bed. And that’s it. So I don’t really go out at night. If I do we’re usually going somewhere and usually my husband’s driving. And it didn’t even occur to me until they said that and I was like: oh my God I don’t even leave the house after 2!

You know another thing I miss? I used to love being able to get up early and go running before anyone else in the house was awake. I love taking my shoes and sneaking out and coming back and everyone would be just like waking up and I didn’t miss anything and I’d have my alone time and it felt so good and I’d start my day. And now it’s so many choices. If I want to do this I can’t do this. The luxury of time— that will come back. But that is a hard thing to give up. Even getting your nails done. Because that’s two hours! If I have two hours to do things I want to, like, see the world— whatever it is— I don’t want to just sit there getting my nails done! Which sounds obnoxious and like a real problem; but like I don’t get two hours a lot and if I do it comes at a cost: I have to pay somebody or my mom’s here and then I feel bad. When I say I miss that it’s a loose— I wouldn’t trade it. But it’s the time thing. When I think about the day. The day is long but by the time 3 rolls around it’s like we only have an hour and then I gotta start getting dinner together and then all of a sudden it’s like 7 and that’s it. The day is done.

25. I feel like this is so silly: I miss just being able to— I can’t even say, like, sleep in or anything because the sleep— whatever— I miss, I think, just being able to hang out and socialize— like truly socialize with people. Pretty much with the toddlers. I can socialize with an infant because she’s gonna sleep most of this or I’m gonna be feeding her but I can talk to you and make eye contact. But we went to a block party the other weekend. Generally speaking my husband’s more social than I am anyhow but usually he’s the one talking to everyone and getting to know our neighbors and I’m one eye on our toddler like, what is she doing? Where is she going? Reprimanding, no don’t touch that! Hold mommy’s hand; we’re in the street. I am parenting. And then my husband’ll say, oh, Steve said he was sorry he didn’t meet you and I was like, I was standing right next to Steve for 20 minutes but you were chatting and I was losing my mind. So like I miss just being able to socialize and not feel guilty like having my kid at a sitter or something. I just want to be able to like day-drink and socialize with others just for like a day. That would be nice. But I feel like— not that I don’t miss— I feel like having my girls— I like who I am more with them. Being a parent now. In many ways that— I obviously wouldn’t take it back; I love my kids but— I do miss the simplicity of going to a social gathering and not being resentful of my husband because he’s getting to chat everybody up.

26. Sleep. Time to myself. Those two things.

27. I guess the feeling that I was— I didn’t have a responsibility that was always on my mind. I don’t know how to say it better. Does that make sense? That overrode everything— a responsibility to people that overrode every other concern. 

So – what do you think? What do you miss from those long-lost pre-kid days? Let me know in the comments!

Stay tuned for part 3: What do you wish you had known about motherhood?