Mom Talk – Part 13

Question: You’re in an elevator with your kids and a pregnant woman who says that she’s due with her first child in a week. She asks for your words of wisdom. You’re getting off at the next floor. What do you say?

I’m not great at thinking on my feet. If someone asked me this question I’d probably just exclaim something totally useless like “Oh wow! Congratulations! So exciting! It’s not easy, but you’ll be fine!” Then I’ll kick myself because I’ll have wanted to say:

Prepare for the unexpected. You literally never know what to expect with kids. There is no such thing as a plan because kids and life don’t follow plans. You can have a contingency plan when things don’t go the way you expected, which will be most of the time. But your contingency plan also won’t go the way you thought. Motherhood is a bunch of unknowns. It’s known unknowns (will your child be a good sleeper? Will you be a yeller?) It’s unknown unknowns (you never thought to consider whether you’d watch actual human poop come out of a runaway toddler). It’s unknown knowns (you don’t realize yet that you’ll recognize the difference between a tired cry and a wet diaper cry). The one thing it’s not is known knowns (you can be 100% confident of nothing.) You cannot know what this tiny being will be like, feel like, sound like, grow up to be like, grow up to look like, or anything else at all. All you can do is realize that and prepare yourself to face the smallest and the biggest obstacles.

Take care of your body. You’re not eating for two. Yes, you are growing a child. Yes, you may nurse a child. But that doesn’t give you free rein to eat anything and everything you want and crave. Exercise and eat well. If you’re not in the habit already, get into the habit now. It will not get easier as time goes on to develop healthy habits. Maybe after the first kid you’ll bounce right back to your pre-baby weight and shape but maybe not. And maybe the second or third time suddenly the weight won’t drop off and you’ll be pinching rolls in places you’d rather not. I wish someone had told me to take care of myself better or I wish that I had believed the people who tried to tell me. Trying to develop good habits now seems like an uphill battle— undoing the effects of every bagel and ice cream I just had to have. It would have been a lot easier to prevent seven years ago rather than repair after the fact.

I didn’t ask this question to the first few moms. One mom mentioned that she thought I’d ask for advice and I thought, yeah. That’s a good idea. It’s funny because moms tend to hate unsolicited advice (doesn’t everyone?) But if someone actually asked for it? Moms overwhelmingly find as many different ways to say: it will pass; it’s a phase; it’s hard for awhile, but things will get better; you will get through this. Moms also say: don’t be consumed by guilt; try to enjoy it; love your kids and embrace them for who they are; love your baby; it’s not how it seems on television and Instagram; there’s no one right way to do things; sleep; take care of yourself; trust your instincts; ignore unsolicited advice; know that you can never be fully prepared; realize that you’re not failing and that it’s hard for everyone.

The answers:

5. I would say just really enjoy it, don’t be too hard on yourself, just know that everything for better or worse is a phase and that no matter what happens— whether you nurse or do formula or the baby is colicky or not that all the baby really needs from you is to feel loved so just to show that to the baby and everything else will just fall into place.

6. At any step of this process it will pass. The feeling will pass. When I went to this mom group it started because we were all nursing our kids. It was a nursing mom thing. Some people had trouble and we would talk about some of the trouble we were having and the key words were: this too shall pass. This too shall pass. And I think that new moms always need to realize that. This is going to suck. It’s going to be amazing. All of it’s going to just keep going.

7. It’s a rough start but things will get better. That’s what I’d say. I’d say one other thing. I’d say in delivery just remember: do what’s best for the baby. And I say that all the time whenever I see a pregnant person because— and I don’t know if it’s as much of an issue here— but in the U.K. there was a big emphasis on natural birth. And everywhere you go people are, like, trying to drill into your head whatever you do you should have a natural birth and you should avoid any sort of drugs. And one of the things that I struggled with a lot after having my first is that it didn’t end up being a natural birth; it was an emergency C-section. And at the time one of the things that I regret about that, even in the moment when the doctors were like, “your child cannot breathe we have to take you into the theater” I was like, “no, it’s because you’re not letting me sit on the yoga ball and letting me move around the room; they told me in my antenatal classes I have to be able to walk and you gotta let me sit on the yoga ball.” And I look back at the time and think, how could I be so stupid? But it was because they drilled this idea into your head and you lost all perspective. I’m like, actually I just want to do what’s best for the baby. It’s probably not as big of an issue here. But in the U.K. any time I came across anyone that was pregnant my only advice was, just listen to what the doctors say. Because the other thing that they go on a lot about there is breastfeeding and, again, you have a lot of women who just can’t and the amount of guilt they’re ridden with— it’s very hard to recover from at a time when you’re already not particularly strong and you’re constantly beating yourself up about that fact that somebody told you you shouldn’t take an epidural, you shouldn’t have had a C-section and you should be breastfeeding as long as you can. Of course that’s the idea but if medically you can’t for some reason— it’s okay!

8. You will have your moment but try to enjoy the growth with your kid. The first two years might be really hard because you might feel like you’re a cow, literally, a pump machine but everything will become later on the achievement in life and you will enjoy more. So just hang in there and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. That might be the thing I wish someone told me. I’d rather know. You and your husband won’t have a life but just hang in there. It will be better.

9. I’d tell her it’s going to be a little tough at first but then, they always change. So whatever hardship you’re struggling with, whether it’s reflux or lack of sleep— because that’s how you should go into pregnancy, is with the right expectation. It’s going to be a little tough but it always changes and always get better. I always say that to new moms.

10. I would tell her to not get consumed by guilt. I would tell her that there’s a lot of opportunities for mothers to feel guilty or bad about things and not to spend too much time in that world— to try to pull herself out of it. To just be present with her child. And just make the most of every moment with the child. Just to be present is so important. And just to enjoy the time with your child. Not to let that guilty voice go off in her head all the time. Just to live life. Be herself. Let her define being a mother for herself; don’t let other people tell her what her expectations should be or could be. Don’t let them put their expectations on you. Just be yourself. This is a small example but women have so much of that coming at them I feel. I feel as I get older they talk about things like, I think Gloria Steinam used to say, “you don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman in the working world until you’re actually in it and you’re being discriminated against and then you see it.” And she’s right. I found out I wasn’t paid the same as a lot of men in my field and it’s horrible.

I think that women have a lot of expectations put on them that aren’t really accurate or realistic from other people. I had a woman come up to me one time and say, “you’re small so you’re going to have a cesarean. You’re probably going to have one.” And I was like, “why would you say that?” and she was like, “well because you’re little and you know—” and to me the thought of a cesarean was not a great thought because I understood that it meant a lot of discomfort. And I know that’s okay, women have it, of course. But she immediately pegged me as someone who was going to need to have it. And my mother never had one and my mother was also petite. It has nothing to do with your outside body it has to do with your body internally.

So you get these people, they’re not even badly intentioned people. It’s not like the world is always mean. There can be plenty of people meaning to be kind or helpful but they’re not being helpful. So I think you have people coming to you with lots of thoughts and ideas about you and expectations about you that might not necessarily be accurate and I would just tell her to listen to her own voice and let her develop her own way of doing things and be a mother in her own right. And to kind of shake off the other stuff and just let it fall off of her and their expectations and their guilt and those things and just be herself. Just be herself. That’s all you can be. I think it’s hard to do. We all get caught up in it, and you do have to pull yourself back.

And also to tell her that it’s okay to take time— time out for herself without feeling badly about it. If she’s getting over stressed or over tired or burned out you do need a little bit of me time. And you just need to try to find ways to take it. Or say to your spouse or your significant other or whoever is on hand to help, you know, I need a few minutes. Just give me some breathing room. Just please cooperate with me and work with me and let me have my time so I can recharge myself.

I would also say not to get caught up in being perfect. There is no perfect. Just do things in a way that feels good and natural to her. I think that’s important.

11. Just to enjoy every moment. Don’t let one second slip away; it’s very precious. I think every day is beautiful but when I look back in those first few days are so good. I still miss, you know, kids touching you everywhere.

12. Mom: Enjoy every moment of it.* I feel with my daughter I wanted to go back to work and I kept wishing she would be older. Wishing— when she’s two or when she’s four or when she’s in preschool— and one of my biggest regrets is that I sort of wished away things waiting for something else to make life easier for us. So I would stop. Try to be more present in my life with my daughter and my husband.

What would you tell that lady?

Daughter: I’d probably give her my email address.

Mom: Say, “I’ll get back to you.”

Daughter: You know, for me it would be like: sing a lot, read a lot, remember that this baby is yours. He’s going to be like you and not like you in all the right and all the most annoying ways. And that eventually they sleep. Eventually they smile. And don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Mom: That’s a good one.

*I asked a follow-up question here: it’s something people say, “enjoy every moment” How do you respond to the idea that it is impossible to enjoy certain moments?

Mom: My perspective is looking back. When it was happening and she had a brain tumor and we were in the hospital for a month it’s hard to enjoy those moments or be present in those moments; you want to run away from those moments. Enjoy the moments that you can. When she’s playing or happy or you’re all well. I have a habit— I met someone once who does the same thing— of stopping at a certain time and saying: oh this is really a good moment. And I started it when she was about 7 and we were in Paris and we were walking. My husband was on one side and I was on the other and we were holding her hand and she was not quite seven in the summer and the weather was beautiful. And I started a habit which I do which is: I’m always going to remember this minute. And I have a whole list of them. Of consciously taking that. And I’m sorry I didn’t start it earlier than when she was almost 7. And those are the moments at night when I can’t sleep that I go back to: that walk in Paris, the Reber award- when she won the Reber award, her plays, my husband’s contacts in new york and having dinner with Norman Podhoretz at Commentary and meeting a Supreme Court Justice through my husband. These very special moments that I have because I consciously thought: I’m always going to remember this.

Daughter: I think that, to your question, you know, what about the moments you can’t enjoy? I think that there are moments that you have to survive but I prefer moments you endure. And those are moments you can look back on as moments of strength and that— you’re as a good mother in those moments that you endure as the ones where they’re so happy and they’re so successful and you feel very proud.

But there are other moments. So my friend gave me an example. She was holding her niece and she just cried for hours and there was not anything she could do. She didn’t know what was wrong. She said, “I just had to let her scream in my face for a few hours; and then at the end of the night my sister came home and said oh look there’s a tooth coming out.” She was teething. There wasn’t much they could have done to make that better. There are moments you just sort of have to endure and you’re not failing as a mother in those moments, you’re succeeding. Because you’re letting them feel their feelings. You’re letting them scream in your face which is, in a way, can be harder for you than it is for them to scream in your face. And that there are moments that you endure but those are valuable. They’re not enjoyable. They’re not moments you’ll replay. But to sort of bank them. You’re their mother because you let them scream in your face for hours and you can stand it. It means you love them even more than those who would just be like: oh it’s so much fun to be with you and then you cry— I can’t do anything for you! I’m handing you off. Although I’ve done that too. But I think there are moments you endure. They’re not worth nothing; they’re worth something.

13. I think I would say it’s been impressive to me how resilient kids are. It’s been impressive to me how much insight they have about themselves and maybe we don’t give them enough credit. I think given the unique circumstance of this situation, I don’t know if I can articulate this well, I feel like if we were a more traditional family you go into it believing that the harder you work at it the more perfect you can get it; but maybe because we were inherently given a “not perfect situation” it gave us the freedom to be okay with letting it be. Because of that it’s turned out awesome. In my mind it’s: recognize the boundaries of what you actually can control; try to have that recognition of what you can actually control. And since it’s such a small part of it, sometimes letting it be is allowing it to be as perfect as it can be.

I think if I thought this was going to be longer term then it would be harder to follow the advice that I’m giving myself right now. Then I would feel more compelled to nitpick over stuff that I know probably doesn’t make a difference but I think I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I almost feel like in some ways knowing that it’s transient allows me to have that perspective. To a fault of my own personality I think I would end up perseverating on stuff in retrospect—

Knowing that it’s temporary in theory should make it easier to not get attached but I feel like I’m already struggling with that. That hasn’t paid off or helped in the way that I hoped it would.

14. I would say that, you know, you’re never really prepared for everything that comes your way. Obviously its a good idea to educate yourself as much as possible and, you know, get different opinions on things. There’s no right way to do anything; there’s lots of opinions about the right way to do a million different things and you have to do what’s right for you and your family. You really, especially in the beginning, you have to go day by day. And to be honest I think there’s still a lot of that that happens with little kids. You make plans and you have to be prepared to change. I think flexibility is a huge thing with motherhood. You really can’t plan too much day to day.

15. Someone just told me their pregnant. She was like, “I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” And I was like, “you are!” and then I was like, “no! You’re not. No one ever is and that’s totally cool. You figure it out. It’s totally fine.” Honestly I wasn’t the type of pregnant person who read all the books, which is funny because I am sort of type A so you’d think I was trying to be fully prepared. I think I was just trying to roll with the punches about it and I feel like that served me, at least my personality, because rather than feeling like I had some expectations that needed to be fulfilled that then became a source of anxiety or something it was just like: here’s a baby.

Acutally some of the words of advice that are so simple but I’ve taken them with me – when my first was getting discharged from the NICU— he was early so he was in the NICU for 3 weeks— he was fine and is fine thankfully. But the doctor, his overseeing doctor in the NICU said as we’re literally getting strolled out of the hospital was like, “feed him and love him that’s all you gotta do. Feed him and love him.” and I was like that’s so good; it’s so simple. you don’t have to worry about them doing things on a timeline. People would be like, “oh, they’re 9 months old but they’re not—” and I’m like he’s not going to be 12 years old and not walking. It’s fine. It’s fine.

So anyway words of advice: feed him and love him, I guess. It was just so pure and simple from the doctor. I don’t have stringent views on parenthood whether you should breastfeed or formula feed or sleep train or not sleep train. For me it’s like you do what works for you. If that’s being super regimented, cool. If it’s not at all, cool. I know that’s like a movement to support all mothers which I agree with but I think it’s also just, to me, it’s like practical reality. Everybody’s doing their best. You’ll figure it out. Take care of him. Don’t be an asshole.

I do like being informed. I like knowing all the things, all of the options, what’s the right thing to do? Because that’s the other thing: I’m not an expert in this; someone else is. I do have views that I adhere to in terms of like, I’ll go to a website and if it’s like “How to Be an Authoritarian Parent” that’s not going to be my jam, right? But there’s one called Hand In Hand Parenting and I sometimes find their articles helpful in terms of things like how to handle outbursts or something. And I ask my pediatrician a lot of questions and sometimes I agree with what he says and sometimes I’m like I’m not gonna do that.

16. Trust your instinct. You’re the mom. Do what you think is right. I’m not going to say, like, “do this or go buy that” I think you gotta learn it. You can do it. I think that’s something people don’t say especially nowadays with social media and Google, right? There’s a plethora of knowledge out there and moms are always being questioned. “Why are you doing that? We never did that with you guys when you were younger—” Well you know what Brenda, who fucking asked you? Nobody asked you. You know, people feel very free and liberated to give their opinions to people when they’re not asked for. If somebody asks me— if I don’t know a person: hey you know what, you’re going to do a great job. You’re going to love that baby. Love your baby. Do what you think is the right thing. Because how the fuck do I know? Every kid is different. There’s no formula for raising kids. There’s no right or wrong way it’s just different. I think building up the moms. Stop making moms question everything, right? I feel like my mom’s generation I feel like they were tougher. They were tougher. They didn’t have, like, oh let me check to make sure she’s getting enough calcium or whatever. I was like, eh, have some chocolate milk you’ll live. I mean we all lived. We didn’t have fucking car seats. How am I still here? I didn’t have a car seat! My parents put me in a seat belt but I’ve been in cars with my friends when I was a kid and they didn’t even fucking put the seat belt on us. Or you go to the park and you’re standing on the swing and you try to purposely flip over? I mean the fact that I’m alive— The shit that we did. I mean I did some sketchy shit as a kid. If my fucking kids ever did it— I would chain them to the door handle and be like now you’re going nowhere. I know they’ll never get away with it. I know what goes on.

17. I would say my words of wisdom would be: it’s really, really hard and don’t feel bad that it’s really hard. Don’t feel like you’re failing because it’s really hard. It’s just really hard in the very beginning. I mean it’s hard the whole time but that to me was the biggest. I wish someone had just said to me: you’re going to feel like a failure and a mess the first few weeks because it’s so hard but everyone feels that way. Nobody told me that. I wish. I would have felt so much better if someone had said to me: the way you feel right now, that you feel so defeated— but no one said that to me. I would have said it’s really hard but it gets so much easier but don’t feel like a failure because I felt like a failure and like a terrible mother because it felt so hard to me. That’s what I would say. I would not give them fluff. I would just be like it’s okay to feel that way. It’s going to get better but it’s going to be really hard and you’re going to be fine. That baby’s going to make you crazy for months. You are literally going to have another human being attached to your body for months and you are just going to be a mess and it’s okay.

18. I tend to always give people advice about sleep because for me that was so formative in my early motherhood that I tell people just, I know it’s cliche people say try to sleep when your kid is sleeping and of course you don’t want to you want to do all the house errands and have time for yourself but sleep is really important for mental health so make sure you get it somehow. Ask for help so that you can sleep.

19. No one will know your children the way you know them and trust your maternal instincts. It’s God-given. I believe in it; don’t talk yourself out of it. Trust those maternal instincts more than anything else.

20. To be present in every moment with her children and to enjoy every minute because it goes by so quickly.

21. Enjoy it. You’re so like, “this is hard, this is hard, this is hard” and then it’s gone. Like the stage where he couldn’t go anywhere and was just sleeping and snuggling was so fast but it felt so intense. So yeah. I would just say enjoy it and be present. And I think people gave me that advice but I don’t think there’s any other advice that you could give someone that’s helpful. Maybe readjust your expectations.

22. I would absolutely say what I’ve said to my sister: there’s more than one way to do things. That’s my advice. There’s no right or wrong. Even a mundane thing like putting a diaper on. Or when your kids get older you just do your best. I’ve said that to many a person. Because otherwise you put yourself under too much pressure: oh I should be doing this I should be doing that or, “my husband, I can’t leave him with the baby because he doesn’t know what to do—” because there’s more than one way to do things.

23. Decirle que encomiende su hijo a Dios.

24. Go with your gut. Because I think that was really helpful for me when I was recognizing you can just listen to yourself not in an arrogant, close-minded sort of way but just trust yourself. My best friend told me that and I think that was valuable. Trust yourself. You know what feels right for you. And I think so many moms don’t because there is so much information and everyone does things so differently and it’s so confusing. Once you take that in as something that you should be doing versus another option it gets really overwhelming. Go with your gut and make time for yourself even though it seems so impossible and downright selfish make time for yourself whatever that is. For me it’s to exercise but some people it’s like shop, nails, whatever works I guess. But I’d say trust yourself and make time for yourself.

25. I would say, basically, don’t worry about what everybody else is telling you: other older women in your life or even your other mom friends, like, advice or what you should or shouldn’t be doing because you’re going to know your baby very quickly. Whether or not you recognize it. And if you’re really scared, call the pediatrician because they don’t care. But yeah that was the most irritating thing for me was hearing from parents and grandparents and even neighbors who have kids who are already teenagers or whatever hearing like, “oh, when my son or my daughter— we tried this—” Just don’t. I don’t want to hear the suggestions. I appreciate it, but if I really need some help I’ll call the doctor. That kind of stuff. That’s me personally. Drove me nuts more than anything else. That and I’d also probably tell her about her nipples because nobody told me. If no one’s told you yet: breastfeeding is really hard. And I would tell her to download the Tiny Beans app which has been a savior for us. It’s basically like baby Facbeook kind of. It works wonderfully.

26. Nothing will ever go exactly as you want it to so don’t expect that. And enjoy the moments because although it sounds trite and some of the days are years you have to enjoy them even—I don’t know— even the chaos and the crazy feelings and try to take a step back every now and again to appreciate it.

27. Try not to worry too much. That’s me, what can I tell you? And realize how lucky you are to have this time of life and remember that it doesn’t last as long as it feels that it’s lasting. That’s the other thing you feel that every minute— every stage is going to last forever when they’re little and it really doesn’t.

Coming up: Mom Talk – part 14 – What didn’t I ask you?

Mom Talk – Part 11

photo credit: Stacey Ilyse Photography

Question: What is the most impressive thing you have ever done?

This was one of my favorite questions because inevitably it led 27 regular women to do some self-reflection about their lives in a way that they normally wouldn’t. And to toot their own horn in a way that normally isn’t encouraged. Usually regular people don’t have the opportunity to answer questions like this. Usually it’s celebrities who are asked to reflect on their lives and toot their own horns: athletes, movie stars, musicians and other people who are admired. Ordinary moms should be admired. Toot, moms, toot.

It’s great that there are articles like the one from Oprah Magazine: 31 Celebrity Moms who Inspire Us Every Day. But we’re not all celebrities — mostly we’re not. I get annoyed with those articles because, while I suppose it comforts me that Reese Witherspoon and Chrissy Teigen have sleepless nights and never stop worrying, I resent a little bit the fact that the only moms who get the spotlight are people already in the spotlight. Mom Talk – Part 11: 27 Ordinary Every Day Moms Who Inspire Me and Will Inspire You Today and Every Day.

This is one of those questions that reveals my interviewer bias. Or if it doesn’t reveal it let me reveal it to you now: to me, far and away the most impressive thing I’ve ever done is give birth to 4 children and keep them not only alive but thriving. Sammy was 10 pounds at birth – just saying. When I asked this question in my interviews some moms questioned: personally or professionally? Some wondered— is this related to motherhood? Some flat out couldn’t think of anything. I just assumed every mother thought being a mother was the most impressive thing. Not necessarily. Some yes. What about the others?

Moms are impressed with: their professional accomplishments, growing and birthing children, overcoming personality flaws, cooking a meal that makes the kids happy, community involvement, volunteer work, achieving a balance between personal and professional lives— the feeling of doing it all, surpassing expectations and achieving more than would have been expected, athletic accomplishments, mothering, explaining things so their kids understand, making a sacrifice for benefit of the family, committing to a partner, raising good humans, surviving and thriving through hardship and heartache, becoming less selfish, graduating college, making a difference in people’s lives, managing the day-to-day, and postpartum sex.

The answers:

1. In life? The most impressive? I don’t know. How does one answer that? How would you answer that? That I don’t know.

2. On a personal scale or professional? So through work I was doing some really sexy projects and it was a lot of fun, got international coverage. It was really— it was tiring but amazing to do and amazing to see that I figured out those loopholes to do this and it was fulfilling in a way. But all of that— last year my daughter had some health problems and we didn’t know what it was for 9 months. And her lips were turning blue, she wasn’t breathing, she was vomiting. Part of that was happening in the middle of the night and I sort of had a revelation that none of my accomplishments were worth it; none of my professional accomplishments were worth it, and I didn’t care. And so I gave that up. Because I was juggling two businesses at once and they were both successful; I had the production consulting and I had the law practice and it wasn’t— production wasn’t worth it. Law isn’t worth it either but Mama has to pay the bills. So I just cut it out and I honestly haven’t really looked back. I looked back once or twice and I sort of miss it but I don’t at all and just had to move forward. So professional accomplishments, while they’re great, they don’t mean that much to me anymore after all that. And thankfully we figured out sort of what it was and we have a plan now and the symptoms have gone away and she’s been cleared by Children’s Hospital. It was a terrifying 9 months. It was terrible. And no one really understood. I didn’t really let people in. I isolated myself. It was a really bad time all around.

3. Other than grow two children in my body? That’s impressive to me. I know trillions and trillions of women have done this over the years but I still think it’s frickin’ crazy. So that’s one thing— two things because I have two kids— I’m so like I can’t believe this child came out of my body and that I grew it in my body. I know that’s how it’s supposed to be but it just still shocks me. What’s the most impressive thing I’ve ever done? Honestly I don’t think there’s any singular impressive thing that I’ve ever done. There’s nothing that I’ve done that impresses me. I’ll let you know in a few years.

Overcoming my own personality flaws has impressed me. That’s more to do with business than anything else but, you know, speaking in public, for example, is something that is just not my personality; it is not something I used to do. I used to get petrified even to get up and make a toast at a dinner table and now I can do it with ease. That was something that I kind of overcame and I’m definitely impressed with myself. But I’m equally impressed with myself I put dinner on the table and one of my kids says, “this was delicious, it’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten” and I’m like, oh my God I can’t believe I cooked a meal that my kids say is really good. When they’re like, “this is delicious, I love this!” That makes me feel so good. I’m like oh my God they liked something I cooked— that’s amazing!

4. Is this related to motherhood? That is a super hard question for me to answer because I’m not used to talking in those terms. It’s so interesting. So, impressive to other people I feel like motherhood gets taken for granted, right? Like that’s sort of a drumbeat background thing. I think to the external world my work for the synagogue and helping kids go to school for less money and getting involved in the community and reducing barriers for them maybe. I get the most feedback for that.

My kids are my most fundamental achievements— that’s for sure. Impressive I think is external. To me the word impressive— I mean the implication— is how the rest of the world sees it.

I feel like motherhood is undervalued and I feel like volunteer work is undervalued and I feel like volunteer work is fundamental to shaping society. Life and children and family are a combination of momentum, evolution and design and it’s where we apply our energy that we can shape and lend momentum to the things that are important to us.

For sure my kids are the most important. Stemming from that, my synagogue volunteer work. Being president and turning around an organization— a community that is important to me— from financial catastrophe to regular non-profit status where it’s never easy but we are doing pretty well towards achieving a pretty important mission— I feel really proud of that. Partly in the context of my kids but partly in the context of everybody’s kids. I want a really strong community in a world where on a scary front antisemitism is growing and on a positive front what makes our life enriching and has meaning and community— whether or not you believe in God whatever your theological perspective— community is a part of that. Community is important. When my kids were little in the preschool I loved that school. It was the greatest. When my kids were in middle school I thought: wow the preschool was great! What they really need right now is those preschool friends that we’ve invested in to walk into this building and feel safe and secure no matter what they’re wearing because middle school’s rough man— emotionally rough— so a community that carries and nurtures, you know, the people where, you know, we picked our family and our friends as a supplement. So I feel really proud of helping that thrive.

5. I mean, I wouldn’t really call myself impressive. But I would say something that, I think rolling into the happiness question, what gives me happiness and what makes me feel fulfilled and whether it’s impressive to other people or not is sort of impressive to me because it’s what’s important to me is sort of that balance that I was alluding to. So when it’s days when I really feel like I have been doing a great job at work and I’m really around for the kids or it’s everyone just getting along and I’m also still able to catch up with friends and see them for dinner and be really on top of my personal emails and make dinner for a friend who just had a baby and just, like, do all of these different things that are all really important aspects of my life, I think that’s where I feel I’m most impressive to myself because I’m sort of, like, doing it all. So yeah, that’s what I would say.

6. Shit. Impressive. I don’t think anything I’ve done is impressive. I think if I tell my story to people about how I grew up and where I ended up I think that’s impressive to other people. I don’t think I did anything extraordinary to get here. My parents immigrated to this country when I was 5 and my sister was 9. Lived in jersey city with my grandparents in a three bedroom apartment for my grandparents, my parents and me and my sister. Went to public schools. I did go to Catholic high school— my parents did work very hard to send my sister and I to private school— but grew up in the middle of Jersey City. Dealt with the things that kids in Jersey City dealt with and, you know, went to Rutgers. Went to regular college. And now, like I said, I’m living in this town and we are comfortable and, again, I haven’t done anything outside— I landed at Cisco as an engineer. Statistics would tell you that is not very likely but I never saw it that way. I just sort of lived my life and did what I thought was interesting and this is where I ended up. So I don’t think there’s anything impressive I’ve ever done except just ignore the world and keep going, keep moving forward.

8. Anything? Like I never thought I— I’m not an athletic person but I’m into this it’s called Orange Fitness Theory or something. So I started that a year ago. It’s just a mom friend encourage me to go so I tried it out. It’s pretty intense. It’s an hour class. It’s row, treadmill, and weight combined and you work out; your heart rate goes up it’s orange because your heart rate goes up to a range; it keeps orange or even red so that you burn more calories so that in an hour I can burn 400, 500 sometimes— that’s a lot for me. At the beginning I never thought that I could last; I thought this is a month thing. But then I just kept going back so I’ve been doing twice a week for more than a year now. So because I’m doing that, I’m eating healthier, pay attention to what I eat so I think overall I’m healthier as well and that helps you. The more workout you do the more energetic you are. Before I never realized that. I’m so tired! How can I go work out? I don’t get these women probably ran 2 miles, 3 miles every day and now I get it! Because once you’re into this mood or this momentum or this routine you keep going back. I never know I could do this. I don’t think I ever miss a class. And that also helped me doing tennis because it’s not just technique; you need the strength, the stamina, because you need to run. How do you last an hour running around? This helps. So it helps me better at tennis as well. It helps me enjoy it. And now I get it, like, before— I’m Chinese— so sports is not a big thing for us— stereotype again— but now I get it because, like, it bring so much joy to you and energy and joy so I get it now. I get it when I’m 37 but at least I get it now.

9. I always think about, well, who thinks it’s impressive? I think my family would say just being a mom. That’s what my husband would say— just being able to balance everything. He always says that I do it all and that I’m always improving. I always try to improve so I’m never complacent. I always am looking for the next improvement and I think that’s impressive.

10. Oh my gosh, as a mom? The most impressive thing I’ve ever done. That’s hard; that’s a good question. What have I done that’s impressive. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’ve done anything impressive. I’m thinking. Impressive. Ah, I know. So when I try to explain to my son what happened to the moon when the moon was first formed the way that it hit Earth. It was called Theia. I was explaining to him a scientific idea because sometimes we watch videos together and we were watching a video of how the Earth was first formed and he wasn’t fully understanding it. So I broke it down for him and he liked the way I explained it to him; I was trying to tell him: first it crashed into the Earth and he was like, “why did it crash into the Earth?” And I try to explain to him about gravity. And I think he’s starting to understand what these things mean. And he’s like, “what is gravity?” Well when the ball rolls down the hill you can see the force of gravity. So he was starting to get it. He liked that we were talking about it. His eyes lit up because it’s something that he really enjoys thinking about. So I think I felt satisfied at that moment because it was the first time that I explained something to him scientifically that I felt like he understood. Normally if he doesn’t understand he would ask more questions or say I don’t get it. I think he understood how I explained it and I thought, okay, he got it. Great. So that was kind of cool.

What else? Sometimes he asks me to draw things that I don’t think I can draw. And I’m like, I can’t draw this 3-D dinosaur that you want me to draw. Then I started drawing it and that came out pretty well, like you could identify it. I was like, “do you know what it is?” he was like, “yeah, I get it, it’s a dinosaur.” I’m like, “do you like it?” “Yes.” I’m like, okay solved. Problem solved.

Other things are, sometimes we get compliments from other people when they see us explaining things to him. Little moments and I don’t think it’s impressive, per se, but it’s nice to get that positive feedback. I was once explaining to my son why it’s important to wash his hands and what germs are and it’s important to use the lacing your hands method and that kind of thing and one lady came up to us when we were in Savannah, Georgia and she said, “wow, I can’t believe you take the time to explain that to him.” So she seemed to like that and I thought to myself, most moms probably do that, but it was nice that she acknowledged that. It was one of those moments where you thought, maybe I’m getting better. Maybe I’m on the right track. So those are my moments, my little moments.

11. I put my very high-flying career back to be with my children. It was very, very, very hard. But I really had to sit down multiple days just all by myself to figure this out that: is this the right thing? And initially I kept on feeling: it’s not the right thing for me. I put in so many years of education. But then I just was not happy that I did not have enough time for my kids. And I was like, you know what, it was very hard but I just think it was one of the best things I have done for myself and my family. But more for myself than my family I would think.

12. Mom: School was easy. Motherhood was hard. I would say motherhood. That’s the most impressive thing for me because school came easy and that all went fine but I think motherhood. Motherhood is hard.

Daughter: I would second that in terms of— I don’t think there’s any one thing that I feel particularly proud of. And I don’t think I’ve necessarily handled early motherhood with all of the grace and strength that one might hope for. But more than I thought. More than I suspected. Like the day after he was born I thought: I’m not gonna make it; this isn’t gonna work. So I think— I don’t know. I think that I’ve had a baby that people say seems happy and that I also had to fill out my third year tenure statement while I was, like, a few weeks out. I was like, hand him over to mom for two hours. That I was still able to do those things. Not necessarily as well as I could have before and maybe I wasn’t quite as in tune a mother because I was doing those other things but the fact that I tried to do everything and he still seems okay. Statement turned out fine.

Being able to build a life— that I’m starting to build that life that brings in the things that I care about and the people I care about is what I’m most proud of. But it’s still a work in progress. And some days I think I’m just not doing either and other days I wake up with more of a positive attitude and I think: I’m doing it! I’m doing it. He took a nap on me, then I gave him to his dad and I wrote those three emails and that’s what I did.

13. You’re saying in general—

I think the most impressive thing I’ve ever done is— I think it’s committing to my relationship with my husband. Just to choose— like I said I’m a pretty type A person so I feel like I’ve had other more impressive accolades. I’m ambitious and I want to achieve things. But truthfully the hardest thing for me is that choice to every day get up and show love to someone in whatever form that needs to take for that day and to choose to do that over and over and over again as you both evolve as people. Being able to do that probably for me is the most impressive.

14. Gosh I don’t know. I don’t know that it’s the most impressive thing but I think it was really difficult when my dad was sick trying to be there for my mom, my brother and also raise children and have a spouse. I think going through a difficult time like that was super challenging and somehow everyone was still okay in the long run if that makes sense. I don’t know, I think getting to the other side of that was really big.

15. I think it’s in the future because it’s not yet. The most impressive thing I’ve ever done. Like as a parent or in general? I mean I guess you could say the most impressive thing I’ve ever done is have kids but it’s not that it’s that impressive; I mean, you have sex and then you have a baby so it’s kind of amazing that that’s how it works. For some people. For some people it’s different.

I think if my kids wind up being well-adjusted good citizens of the world I’ll feel really good about that. I just realized I don’t have full control over that. I don’t know. The balance of running a business, starting it, and then having a family and trying to keep all the balls in the air? But I don’t know if that’s impressive as much as literally what’s needed for survival. I don’t know. I’d have to give that some thought.

16. I would say the most impressive thing that I’ve ever done would probably also be the hardest points in my life and there were two. One was when I was 19 and my dad died very suddenly. I think people can take adversity and sadness and grief and shock and they can do one of two things: they can face it and overcome it or they can succumb to it and just let it drag them down and use it as an excuse. I sort of just was like, okay, this is my new reality and so, you know, I finished college and I was like, I’m gonna go for my Master’s. And I worked full time, I went to school, and I put myself through two Master’s programs. I wasn’t handed anything. I had to work and earn for every single thing that I have. And I think that that shapes you. It makes you stronger and it makes you— you are hungry— I was hungry. I wanted to do it and I like doing things myself because I like the way I feel when I do things for myself. What was the question again?

So that was one. The second one has to do with this little guy [her dog]. Back in 2011 I just wasn’t feeling right. I went to the doctor and they were like, “oh, you’re anxious you probably need a Xanax.” And I was like, “no, I’m not anxious. I’m anxious because I’m telling you that I don’t feel well and you’re not hearing what I’m saying.” So I was saying that my heart was pounding. It was beating really fast and I wasn’t exercising. They said, “oh, you’re probably having a panic attack” and I said – no. So I said, “listen, here’s what we’re going to do— give me a Holter monitor and let’s just see. What do you have to lose? Give it to me.” I had to advocate for myself and speak up on my behalf. Long story short, I did have a heart condition called SVT where the electricity in your heart— everybody has a pathway that regulates how many times your heart beats in a minute. My heart had an extra pathway so that when the electricity took the wrong path my heart would speed up and race. Even if I was sitting on the couch my heart rate would get up to like 190. And it feels weird. And it sort of messes with you because it was right when I was like, you know, thinking we were going to start to have a family and like, can I have kids? Should I divorce my husband so he can go meet somebody else so that he can have kids?

So I went through it. One procedure was unsuccessful; they couldn’t do it. And I was like I’m not going to be on medicine for the rest of my life. Understand that I am a big ball of puss: needles, everything freaks me out. And I think a lot of it has to do with my dad dying very suddenly, like, I’m a little bit of a hypochondriac. And I think it stems from losing him suddenly. But I found another doctor and I went to him and he’s like I can fix you and I’m like let’s go. I’ve got shit to do, I want to have kids, I want to get back to me. He fixed me. I went in cold turkey. No sedatives, nothing, up— like up— in the OR, like, they put two catheters up your groin, and they basically put this thing on your heart and they flick it. I couldn’t believe I was doing it; I was like oh my God I’m such a badass. But he fixed it. And that got me— I was like if I can do that, I’m pretty good.

So it relates to my dog because when I first got sick after the first time they couldn’t ablate me successfully my husband got me a dog. And this is him— and he is my little buddy. He makes me feel better. So I would say those are the two things.

My dad had an infection that got into his blood stream and he died of septic shock. My dad was someone who never went to the doctor. I saw him go to the doctor two days before he died. And they told him that he just probably had an ear infection that’s why he was dizzy. I wish sometimes— when I was in my procedure I remember I was like— Dad, you gotta come down and do me a solid. I was like get me through this, push me through it, give the doctor strength. I’m tired of being scared all the time that I’m going to have an episode. I’m angry a little bit sometimes because he should have gone to the doctor. He missed a lot. I had just graduated from high school so I didn’t even start my life, really. He just missed a lot. But, you know, it is what it is. I think he’s here. I think he sees stuff or that he’s aware. You have to have that little inkling of somehow— It shaped who I am though.

What happened to me in my childhood or my life that made me face it and not succumb to it? That’s something I think about when I raise my kids. They have it a little differently than I had it. I was a little hungrier. I didn’t live in a big house. We had a nice apartment; it was an apartment. We weren’t rich by any stretch of the means but I was happy and I never thought about stuff like that.

I want my kids to have character. I don’t want them to think that everything just comes to them. I want them to see that other kids don’t have stuff. Because you have a nice room full of— you have a playroom. I didn’t have a fucking playroom. I had a couple of dolls, some board games and that was it. If I had ever said I don’t want to play with this anymore my mother would have chucked that shit in the garbage and been like, okay! Sometimes I’m a little— I don’t want to say ghetto or tough with them— but I threw away one of their toys once because she was like “I don’t want that” And I was like “garbage.” And she was shocked. Yeah. There are kids that don’t have toys to play with or don’t have a snack to eat, or clothes or a book to read, or whatever the case is. I want them to understand the world is not rainbows and butterflies, but at what age do you teach that? My mom’s like, well maybe wait a little while. Because it builds character. It’s going to build your character. But I don’t know how to teach that. Do you have to live it in order to understand it? My kids have a fucking pool in our yard. You know what I mean? You’re lucky, right? They do chores. I’m like, “make your bed.” My older daughter is like I don’t know how. And I’m like, “no problem, I’ll help you.” The playroom’s a mess. When they come home they’re going to clean it. Because if they don’t, I’m going to grab a garbage bag. You’re going to learn. I really think about that a lot. They’re not living it. And I think that you learn things through experience.

17. I should say the children. But I don’t know. That’s a really great question. I’m really proud of the fact that I worked my whole life to get a college scholarship to FSU to play soccer. But I mean if I really want to say impressive— that I’m a mom right now. It’s still— like I said— when I walk through the city I’m like, I can’t even believe sometimes that I’m not just thinking of myself. I thought about myself a lot. I’m not a super selfless person. I mean I am with friends but I’m pretty self-focused and now that I’m not so self-focused it’s definitely, I guess, impressive that I’m more focused on two other people. I have no big feat.

18. Hm. Well obviously just physically birthing a child is a miraculous and intense event that if somebody asked me if I would be able to do it before I did it I would say no. And I only had that experience once; I’ve heard from other people it gets a little better over time. Becoming a mom was definitely one of them. I don’t feel like I have any other huge momentous accomplishments. There are things in my life I derive pleasure from, there are things I think I’m good at but motherhood is probably the most important thing I think I’ve done.

19. Wow. That’s so interesting. What is the most impressive thing that I have ever done? I’m a girl from the Bronx with awesome parents and very humble beginnings and I do think it’s pretty impressive how my parents’ upbringing have let me to where I am because things could have gone very wrong very many a day. Our building was nice but the neighborhood was not the greatest. It was rough. It was rough, you know? There weren’t those expectations. They don’t expect where I come from— the fact that I went to private school— everybody teased me and called me uppity. It just was not the expectation to rise and to— even just to become a homeowner, to go to college. But those were my parents’ goals. To me, the most impressive thing I’ve done for my family was to be a college graduate. My mother went but she went after she already had children and they wanted me to go. That’s not the way that you should go but they wanted me not to struggle. So my family, the most impressive thing I think, which is probably something that’s very simple for others but it wasn’t for my family at all was to go to school on time and graduate.

And for myself— probably my career. I’ve done a lot of good things in my career. While they’re small things for some people, I know that there’s a lot of children out there in the world today that will remember me, you know? My homeless kids, I got people to donate money to take them on a trip to Sesame Place and they were just so grateful and so happy. I changed that homeless shelter around so that my kids were ready when they went to school. Because back then in NYC you didn’t have to go to school till first grade. So they didn’t have to go to Kindergarten. So a lot of them were going to first grade and just didn’t know anything. They didn’t know their ABCs yet and they were just already behind. So we had an on-site childcare and I worked with them to make sure that these kids knew something. I told the parents: bring those children down. If they didn’t bring the children down I sent the workers up to get them. I don’t care if the kid’s in their pajamas, bring them down and let them learn. So I feel like there’s a lot of families out there that feel strengthened from my work and I’m very proud of that. I want to make a difference if you can. I want to give them what I had. And a lot of people just don’t know. They don’t have the information. If New York City says you don’t have to send your kids to school till first grade then, okay, I’m a 21 year old mother; I’ll send them in first grade. They don’t know. So things have changed since then and now they have a Pre-K 3 and they can start going from 3 years old but before that it wasn’t. Personally that’s what I’m most proud of. Those little things.

20. Raising two incredible children who I just adore and love with every ounce of who I am.

21. Like besides this? I do feel like this business is a big deal for me and it feels in many ways like my first child. And they feel like— obviously I love him more than I love my business— but it feels like a similar life accomplishment.

22. I can’t think of anything.

23. [No response.]

24. As a mom? Or like before? I don’t know that there’s a specific instance that comes to mind. There must be something where I’m like that was awesome. In my head there’s some sports-related things that I was like, that was really great. But, like, that’s not the most impressive thing I’ve ever done. I think of it like a specific time or instance where I did something that I felt was, like, above and beyond or that came naturally to me that was, like, other people wouldn’t necessarily have done it. Or like it almost feels like a defining moment. When you say what’s the most impressive thing. If it were like an early promotion or saving someone or I’m not sure. What do other people say?

I don’t know. The first thing that comes to mind is like, what are my characteristics that define me? When have I displayed that in a major way? My first thoughts are like when have I stood up for other people when they haven’t stood up for themselves or when have they needed help and I was there? But those are small moments that weren’t small for me and them but small in that, like, those are more everyday things. The first thing that came to mind, and this wasn’t even that impressive, but like my daughter got— one of the hardest days I ever had— she is really good at the doctor. She loves it. She talks about shots and vaccines all the time. It’s not a big deal. And she had all these splinters and she lost it. She was in the doctor’s office and they had to take them out and she’s screaming and they had to put her in the papoose and it was terrible and I came home and I was so drained. I had to look away from her so she couldn’t see that I was crying because I was like, this is terrible this is everything you don’t want to be happening. So in my own head it’s impressive that I was able to get through that, but like, not really because 1. You don’t have a choice and 2. It had to happen and lots of moms have to do that all the time so it’s not particularly impressive; but that was something that came to mind so it must have been something that made a big impression on me.

I think of it as something that makes you stand out in a way like who you are and— not better— just everyone has their strengths so, like, this is where you’re excelling. So in my head the way that I excel is my ability to be there for other people so I’m trying to think of a time when I was really there for someone else but a lot of those are smaller day-to-day things. I don’t know. I’d have to think about it. I’m sure there’s something.

This isn’t impressive to me but my husband travels a lot and it’s fine but then I have to maintain two kids and two dogs and that’s not that big a deal to me because this is my life. But we were at my parents’ beach house and I didn’t bring the dogs and one of the kids was like why didn’t you bring them and I was like well your mom and dad asked me not to and their mom was like, “well it’s a lot for your aunt to handle two kids and two dogs” and I was like, “that is my life: two kids and two dogs.” Maybe it’s a lot but I don’t think it’s a big deal so maybe that’s what’s impressive: my ability to manage the day-to-day without feeling super overwhelmed all the time. So maybe that’s it: just like, I’m impressed with my own ability to manage our day-to-day without feeling overwhelmed. But I don’t think that’s the most impressive thing I’ve ever done. That’s just me figuring out life. This is like doing life.

25. I mean I would say having these two kids. That and the postpartum sex after 6 weeks because you’re taking one for the team there’s just no doubt about it. There’s just no winners there. Well your husband— your partner’s the winner. But definitely having the kids.

After my first— she was born in early November. So right around Christmastime was like the 6 weeks and I was like, alright merry Christmas here we go let’s try it. And it was horrible. And I didn’t think it was going to be that bad because I had a C-section. I was like oh, it’ll be fine. It was horrible. I felt like worse than being a virgin again. I was like take it out. Take it out. I don’t know what we need to move this process forward but this is horrible. And it took us a few months for me to feel like I wasn’t sacrificing myself. Not to be too graphic.

26. As a mother? Hm. I don’t know. That’s an interesting question. I don’t think I’m a particularly impressive person. This is going to sound like nothing. It really isn’t much but I would say managed— I don’t know— sometimes I think keeping two children alive is impressive. So I’ll go with that. Keeping two children healthy, happy and alive and also managing without losing my mind when I was 9 months pregnant with a 4 year old when my husband was in the hospital with his appendectomy. Not like a marathon or anything but, you know. That’s where my mind goes. 

27. Giving birth. I’ll tell you a funny story: I remember when they wheeled me out of the delivery room with my first and I looked around and I thought to myself: everyone here was born. Somebody had to go through this for every person walking on the Earth. I was astounded. 

Coming up: Mom Talk – Part 12: What do you want most?

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Mom Talk – Part 10

Question: Are you happy?

I will admit “are you happy?” pre-pandemic and “are you happy?” post-pandemic look different. We’ve been socially isolating for 2 months now. Am I happy? I mean yes. But I’m sad my kids can’t be with their friends and teachers and I am very aware that no matter how much I try they are not going to be as prepared for the next grade as they would have been if they had been in school this whole time. And I’m distraught over the kids who are simply unable to keep up with school work whether it’s because their parents are working or they don’t have a computer or internet. And I’m struggling to understand how we as a society are going to rectify the massive inequalities that are emerging as a result of this pandemic especially for the kids. I’m so sad for the kids. I’m anxious about the future. I’m scared to get too close to my friends but I am desperately missing them. I am worried. I am confused about what the world will look like when we go back into it. And then I feel a tremendous sense of guilt because I am in a position to feel all of these feelings and then close the door on them and fall back on happiness. Yes the world is crumbling around us but I have the luxury of staying inside and maintaining my health. Yes the future is uncertain but we are, for the moment, secure.

Am I happy? Yes, thank God. Are other moms happy? They used to be. I don’t know how their answers would be different now and maybe they wouldn’t be different at all. Moms base their happiness on so many things:

Happiness based on balance. Happiness based on gratitude and acknowledging good fortune. Happiness based on no regrets. Happiness based on acknowledging imperfections in self and life and striving for better. Happiness based on self-actualization and independence. Happiness based on achievement of childhood dreams but not contentment— wanting more. Happiness despite hardships and challenges. Happiness despite not having the life you imagined. Happiness based on good relationship with partner. Happiness based on gratitude. Happiness based on children but still striving to achieve the life you imagined. Happiness based on living life goals but fear of what now? Happiness even though there are other feelings too. Happiness based on satisfaction with life— not feeling jealousy or envy for someone else’s life. Happiness based on accepting the life that unfolded. Happiness despite envy and what if.

The answers:

1. That’s a loaded question. In many ways yes, but I’ll always play the what-if game. In most ways yes. But I’ll always play the what-if game.

2. Mhm. Yes. I can say that I’m happy. There are other things that go on in my life that I’m not happy about but motherhood is not one of them.

3. Yes! Oh my God. I have so much to be grateful for. I was having lunch with a friend of mine who’s the same age as me in the city. She’s turning 40 this year and she’s like, “you know I’m so depressed I’m turning 40” and I’m like really? You are beautiful you have beautiful children who are healthy and doing great you have a great marriage you are very fortunate financially you have a lot of opportunity and options and prosperity. You have so much to be grateful for turning 40 and you have so much to look at and be proud of and, you know, there should be no reason to be upset turning 40. And then I got it out of her that there was a little piece missing. But, for the most part, I look at my life and I’m like— I have everything and more than I could have hoped for and yes, I am happy.

4. Um, mostly. Like I’m an optimistic person and my gestalt is happy but not universally happy, you know? Not every minute. Not about every thing. Like, I read the newspaper and I want to dive under the deck and I feel super unhappy but I’m happy right now talking to you.

5. Yeah. Yeah I’m really happy. I think I feel really lucky I found a really good balance between working and being with my kids and I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe someday I’ll have scaled down at work or maybe I’ll take a break or whatever, but right now I really like my job; I like what I do and it really allows me the flexibility to still do drop off if I want to sometimes or pick up when I want to or be home during the day if I want to or get coffee on a Tuesday morning. So I really love that most of the time I feel like I have this good balance going. I feel like the kids really do feel my presence, like, I don’t think that they think I’m absent during the week at all. So yeah. I wouldn’t change anything. I’m really happy with where we are and I really like my husband and our relationship.

6. Of course. Absolutely. I am so lucky. It’s really, to me, a matter of gratitude. I am beyond— in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined that I would have this life. And I have a very regular— like I’m in sales— I have a very regular job. My husband has, you know, in our circles he’s like a big deal, but we both have regular jobs. We live in this nice town but it’s not like, you know, we’re not like changing the world. Maybe my husband is changing the world a little but we’re very regular people and I feel like we’re comfortable. We don’t have to worry about feeding our kids; our biggest problem is where are we going to send them to summer camp. I am the luckiest person in the world. I have no complaints about any of this. I am very, very lucky and I think as long as I keep seeing it that way I’ll be happy. I think once I start thinking about: well, I wish I had this, I wish I had that then maybe I won’t be happy. But I’ve been completely blessed.

7. Yeah. I’m happy and I’ll say I’m also always feeling that I’m so far from perfect and so far from being where I’d like to be or what I think I ought to be doing. So I probably view myself as a failure every day. But a happy one. A happy one in the sense: I know I’m doing my best— I’m reassessing all the time and I know I’m trying to do what I think is important and what’s important is redefining all the time. But yeah, I’m definitely happy. I don’t have any regrets as such. Always things I feel like I can do better.

8. I would say yes, especially now I find my passion I’m happier. Because at the beginning of the year or last year I wasn’t sure because I think we’re moving but I couldn’t figure out what I can do there so I have my doubt. But now I figure out what can keep me busy. Also independence sort of from my husband because I never really wanted to rely on him. So I have my independence; I’m happy. And the kids will be with the Dad so we’re happy. Maybe we have a moment later on in life so come back to me in 6 months.

9. Yes.

10. I am. I mean, I want another child. So I don’t know if it’s the difference between happy and content, you know, I would say that I’m happy but I’m not content. I do want that other child to round things out. I want my son to have another child to play with and to do all the things that kids do with their brothers and sisters and I just want him to have another reference point besides his parents and his nanny. I want him to interact with children more too and that’s why we try to schedule a lot of playdates. But when you are a mom of a single child you are spending a lot of time playing and you do want to see that shift over to time that he’s spending with other children to play. So I do want to have that.

But I would say that I’m happy in a way that I always wanted to be and I never knew— it was never a guarantee to me that it was going to happen. When I was a little girl, my father and mother of course always talked to me about, you know, you’re going to be married and have kids and this and that and it was always this distant dream. In my twenties and thirties I was working in the city and I had broken an engagement when I was in my late twenties and I had some bad experiences with guys and there was a couple of let downs that had happened. Actually two engagements broken that were smart to break. But I felt time ticking and I was worried that I was going to run out of time. So for me it was the biggest joy finding out that I was pregnant and I actually didn’t know until I was four and a half months, fully. But it did, it filled my whole body. I felt so much happiness coursing through my body the moment that I found out. It gave me the chills and I was like yes. The universe just said yes to me to this one thing that I’ve wanted my entire life. And it was the happiest, happiest moment. Beyond getting married, beyond any of that. That moment when I found out pregnancy it was like a giant yes. The universe was cooperating in a way that I wanted and it was so satisfying and so I want another one. I’m happy but not content.

And also, beyond wanting another child there’s obviously other things I want too. We want to get a dog and we have a couple other things on our list that we need to get or that I think that would be good for all of us. I think pets are good for kids too.

11. Oh yes. I’m very happy.​

12. Daughter: Yes. I happen to be going through a lot of changes. I also left my job. We’re also moving. So I’m feeling a little bit overwhelmed right now by everything that needs to happen with the baby but I wouldn’t change anything. I still laugh a lot and smile a lot and he’s the main reason why. I’m scared of him but, you know, fear is a kind of happiness too, right?

Mom: You know, my motherhood now is really mostly gone. Except for supervising. I’m happy with my husband. I’m getting old so I have to face all these hard things and health things but on the whole in my life, I mean, I want to get rid of this house. But I’m happy with the most important things in my life. I’m happy, yeah.​

13. It’s interesting you’re asking that. Unrelated to this 2019 has been a hard year for me and I feel like I was really pretty unhappy between 2 and 4 or 5 it was a pretty tough time. My brother was like, “are you sure this is the right time to do this with everything going on?” Most of the unhappiness was sourced from work stuff. And I was like, “you know, I actually think maybe because of that it’s the best time.” I feel like number 1— I didn’t want this work drama going on to compromise anything else. It had already taken so much sacrifice and had depleted me in so many ways that I was like I’m not willing to let it compromise this other thing I’ve really wanted to do. I also feel like it forces me to have perspective. It forces me to have something else in my life that reminds me of what actually is important. And so I think I would say I am happy and there is no one thing that can cause that to be happy or not but I think that this experience has actually helped that for the most part.

When I’m having the worst day at work or, you know, feel like my whole company is falling apart, my son doesn’t give a shit about that. He doesn’t know anything about any of that. And there’s something really freeing about that. It’s like oh right this is like all in here. All of this unhappiness—

14. Yeah, I would say so. I feel like ultimately I always thought of myself as hoping to be a stay-at-home parent and that wasn’t in the cards for us, which is fine. I do feel like I have a fairly well-rounded life. I think I have the best of both worlds being a teacher and being off in the summertime, like, I kind of get to do that a little bit but at the same time I have a job. I do think mentally I think it’s a nice thing for me to have work sometimes although I said this year was really challenging and that did, I think, affect my family just in the sense that I think I said I didn’t have as much patience; I was more tired, that kind of thing. But I think overall, you know, I have a well-balanced life. I have a partner that really shares a lot of the work with me. He’s a good dad so I think our relationship is good. Like I said, I wish we had a little more time to ourselves but I think that’s just part of the nature of this stage of the game with little kids. Overall I would say I am.

15. Yes I am. I feel like I have— and this is something I’m so grateful for— again I don’t take credit for this because I feel like it was something I was somehow imbued with at birth— I feel very fulfilled almost always. And I think I would feel that way if I lived under a bridge. I have a very— and I do feel like this is a gift because I do know so many people who feel tortured on a daily basis and I hope that’s never me— I am really grateful because for the most part I feel really good. Even when things, situations, and they’re have been plenty of those where I’m like— that sucks— growing up, through marriage, through whatever. There are difficult things all the time. For whatever reason, and again I don’t know what I did to deserve it, for the most part I’m like: everything is going to be fine. It’s all good. So yes. And probably therapy helps.

16. Yes, I am.

17. Yeah. I mean yes. I don’t— yeah. I’m definitely happy. Sometimes I think could I be happier? But then I wouldn’t know what to tell you. I mean could I be happier if I traveled to Europe more this year? Like— yes.

18. Yes. It depends on when you ask me. Yeah, no, I’m pretty happy. It always feels like just when I’m comfortable and happy that some big change happens. But that’s just life. But right now I feel pretty content, yeah.​

19. I’m happy with my children. I’m not where I want to be in life so I don’t think I’m happy with myself. But I’m happy with my family. You know? I am very happy in that way and grateful because I know where I come from. So I have definitely ascended from where I come from but I’m not quite where I want to be. So you know I have mixed feelings on that.

20. I have never been happier in my life.

21. Yes. Yeah. I feel like— you know I used to always write my goals. I still do. I feel like I’m living inside them now, which is really cool. And it’s also sort of unnerving because I’m like— now what? But yeah. I’m like wildly happy. Couldn’t be happier.

22. Yes. I’m happy with my life. I’m very satisfied with my life. Of course there’s days that I’m angry. Of course there’s days that I’m sad. But by and large I’m happy. I don’t wish I was somebody else. I don’t wish I had something I didn’t have— not just material, just anything.

23. Completamente.

24. Mhm. Yeah. I am. I think before I sort of struggled to find a career that really suited me. I didn’t love always what I was doing or I’d love what I was doing but I always struggled with the bureaucracy and the things you’d have to do in order to get ahead and you’d have to think about yourself a lot. Not that I don’t think about myself but I was always on a team and that really worked for me, like playing sports and that feel of being on a team and working hard towards a common goal with other people. And jobs just aren’t like that because even when they are it’s your life so you have to get ahead and sometimes you have to step on other people and I see why good people do that and it didn’t work for me. So I always thought I’d find a great career and be a part-time stay-at-home mom or like, find a way to work some flexibility in so I could do the things but I always wanted to stay home for at least 6 months and for whatever reason I had that in my head, like, 3 months I could just see it. Even before I knew anything about it, it just seemed like not enough. So I did and I was going to go back to work and look for another job. I was like, I don’t want to do this. Even the jobs that I was looking for that felt right I’d go on an interview and be like— it wasn’t there. I didn’t have the drive or the passion or the enthusiasm that I would have had a year prior. So once I really settled in to accepting being a stay-at-home mom and what that meant and stepped back outside of what I thought I wanted if I looked at my day-to-day I was— I am and was really happy. The things that made me unhappy weren’t being a stay-at-home mom, they were more like the transitional things. Moving was really hard. Just the adjustment of identity. And once I recognized that I realized, well, I’m really happy so why am I not feeling really happy? Because I really like what’s happening so I had to marry my life to whatever mental image I thought had or hadn’t been there. Whatever plan. And again that goes back to me recognizing that I need to just relax and recognize that. But I am. I am really happy. I don’t know what life I pictured, though I guess, theoretically, I grew up 15 minutes away: this is not all that different than what I would have pictured. But I mean I couldn’t ask for anything better. I feel really lucky. We have two healthy kids, we have this really great house, we have all these nice neighbors. We’re safe. That doesn’t mean that person is happy. But I am actually. And I think that’s why I can be kind of relaxed about things or feel good about it. Because everything thus far has worked out so nicely that, I don’t know, I’m sure it’ll work out again, whatever it is.

25. Yeah I’d say ultimately I am. It’s hard. I feel like, again, this is just stock answer but it’s easy to just slip into envy when you see social media stuff: oh this is what their life is like and maybe what you want— certain wants versus needs— but I think yeah. I’m happy. I am. And maybe this is unhealthy but I’m a happier person with my kids than I was without them. Certainly. My first child definitely opened up something in me that probably wasn’t there before. This is going to sound so silly but I tell this story like how funny it is how, much we take for granted. The first time she was on her play mat and she heard a noise and looked towards it and developmentally she was at a spot where she knew to look towards a noise and obviously her hearing had been tested, she could hear, but she didn’t know enough to look towards a noise and it was amazing and I was like: she is a genius; this is incredible. And then I realized how much B.S. we don’t even consider or think about. And seeing her experience things makes me so happy and makes me so happy to be alive and to be with my husband and to have these kids. I’m grateful for all of that. So I’d say yeah I’m happy. Ultimately.

26. Yes.

27. Yes. I feel very, very happy. Very, very lucky. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel. I have the best family in the world and the best daughter in law, the most accomplished. I don’t know how. The best mother for my grandchildren that could ever be. So yes I feel very, very lucky.

Coming up: Mom Talk – Part 11: What is the most impressive thing you have ever done?

Mom Talk – Part 5

Once he knew I was going to record myself reading these posts my husband was ON TOP of buying a cool mic that looks really profesh. Here I am about to record this very post. L’Chayim!

Question: What has not come naturally to you as a mother?

The hardest thing for me is letting my kids be kids. I have such high expectations of all of them. I don’t know if it’s because they were all super verbal very young and so I always assumed they could understand way more than they actually could? But it’s also things like— playing with their food, talking too loud, acting crazy, whining, saying Mommy a hundred times. There are dozens of completely normal, completely acceptable things they do every day that I don’t have patience for. But that’s really not fair— I recognize that. They are kids. Their job is to be kids and experience the world. If they can’t do science experiments with their food now, when can they? Wouldn’t I rather they call my name a hundred times per minute than someone else? Mentally, I understand this. But it doesn’t translate to life as much as I wish it would.

I’ll tell you something that really doesn’t come naturally to me and I think it’s strange because I think in my friendships and relationships I’m not this way at all. And I think it’s a big flaw and sometimes I think maybe my mothering licence will be taken away— I don’t know the word exactly. It’s the intersection of compassion and patience. The convergance of selflessness, understanding, tolerance, and maturity. It’s the moment where my kid gets that look on his face like he’s about to blow a gasket and grabs the barstool to throw it on the ground. It’s the moment where my kid refuses to try a bite of banana, the only fruit he’ll eat at all, because today he doesn’t like it but I’m afraid his insides are turning into a Cheez-it. It’s when my daughter struggles with something in her homework and whines or even genuinely cries because she just can’t quite get what she has to do. It’s my little one flat out refusing to stay in bed long after bedtime when I’m exhausted and the day has been interminable and all I want to do is sit on the couch with a glass of wine and some candy and refresh social media a thousand times. It’s all of these times. Why, in those moments, can’t I be the composed and affectionate mother I’ve seen and read about? That’s the mother I wanted to be. I’m not that mother. In those moments I’m sarcastic and obnoxious. The things I say are repellent. The attitude I have towards my sweet, innocent children is childish and immature but I can’t stop. I can’t be different.

Not totally surprisingly, things that came naturally to some moms did not come naturally to others: discipline, organization, playing, transitions, patience, selflessness, affection, balance. For some these qualities are instinctive; for some they are elusive. Some things just don’t come naturally to anyone: breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, knowing the right answer, knowing what to do in a given situation. Breastfeeding might be a biological imperative but most of the moms I know must have missed that TED Talk because— holy shit— it is not intuitive. Maybe newborn babies mircaulously know how to shimmy up to the right spot but about 65,000 other obstacles arise shortly thereafter.

No one seems to know what to do with their exhaustion either. Motherhood— not just early motherhood— is marked by constant sleep deprivation, constant alertness, constant stimulation and p.s. hormones like whoa. Forever. Every mom is completely and utterly debilitatingly drained.

Another universal? No one knows what to do in any given situation. No one knows the right answer. People who write books about the right answer are, as I think we all know, full of shit. That’s why there are 75 million different books about sleep training, introducing solids, bullying, raising sons, raising daugthers, raisings twins, raising siblings. All of it. I think maybe there aren’t any right answers. Something that works for one kid doesn’t work for another child in the same family! It’s a sustained state of uncertainty and when you’re in it it’s overwhelming. I was comforted to know that no one knows what they’re doing— that we’re all essentially winging it.

The answers:

1. Um. How to discipline. How to discipline in a way that is harsh yet from a— I don’t know. How to effectively discipline without instilling fear. Hold on let me Google it.

I almost want to say how to effectively discipline in a positive way where it’s firm but also shows empathy and respect.

I just thought of another one. The hardest part. Sometimes when I parent I sound like my parents and I’m trying not to turn into them.

2. The organization. Organization is not natural to me. I drop the ball constantly it feels like and yeah. But luckily I have a kid that just kind of bounces when Mommy drops the ball and forgets— it’s pajama day at school. I live with constant mom guilt. She’s very good about it. She rolls with it.

3. I think, you know, playing on their level is not something that comes naturally. There are some mothers who genuinely love playing with their kids. They love it. They want to be on the floor with them and they love playing with them and maybe it’s my age. I don’t know. But there’s certain things that I’m really good at. Like, they know I will sit with them for two hours and color and paint and do anything creative. I’ll build with them. But when it comes to, like, getting really, really messy— that doesn’t come naturally to me. And I have two boys. You want to do an art project? You want to build a robot? You come here and we will get that thing going. For hours I can do that stuff. But, you know, when they’re like, “you take the He-man—” not He-man they’re not 40. “You take—” you know, whatever— “you take this and you pretend and you say this—” I don’t enjoy it. I don’t want to sit on the floor. It hurts.

4. What did not come naturally to me was how every new transition— and when they’re babies you know how fast things change— every transition to me was an application of effort, especially with my first. It was an application of like, am I doing this right? Sleeping— getting my daughter to sleep— I did it better the second time around but my daughter had no chance. I had a baby monitor and she would go, “eh, eh, eh” and I would launch to make sure she was alright. She didn’t even have a chance; I had no idea. And then it came time to like, sleep train because I had done it all so badly, and that was, I’m sure, more traumatic for me. But she was wily and she would do things like stick her fingers down her throat to make herself puke and she’d pinch herself to stay awake. I did a little better with my son and then I didn’t use a baby monitor because I’m a light sleeper. He wasn’t three miles away and I kept the door open. If I could tell you the charts we kept for my daughter— it was bananas.

5. Everything. I don’t know if it’s coming naturally or not. I think for me it’s kind of hard to differentiate between situations that are, like, good for your kid versus the easy thing to do. So, for example, summer camp. It would be really easy to keep my daughter at her preschool all summer: she knows it, it’s familiar, it’s easy for me, it’s easy for her, there’s no transition; but is it good for her to probably try somewhere new? I don’t really know. She’s 3. Does she really need new experiences right now? She’s already doing drop off that’s great; she’s gonna be doing longer days. Does she need it? I don’t know. So I feel like that part doesn’t come naturally to me because I don’t really know what’s good for the kid. And I do feel like there are people who have degrees in early education that probably do. There is data that says one way or the other, hey, if you expose your kid to drop off things or new situations earlier in their life, then it’s gonna set them up as transitions keep happening. So— so anyway it’s stuff like that I really struggle with: what’s good for them, what’s not good for them. So she is doing another camp and the one at her preschool to give her another experience. And it’s the same thing with my son. I was only going to send him to the preschool when my daughter was going but is it good for him to probably have a couple more weeks of maybe going someplace without his sister? I don’t know. He’s only 2, but, like, maybe? So maybe I’ll just do it. So it’s stuff like that that I feel like I wrestle with so much and then I do it or don’t do it and then I feel good either way because the outcome is probably fine. And you look at it and you’re like, why did I stress about that so much? It’s an extra two weeks of camp for my son; it doesn’t matter either way! Just make a decision, you know? So I think it’s just stuff like that that I just am always torn on.

6. It still doesn’t. Patience. I have to work very hard to be patient and kids require it. That’s definitely something I work on. Just trying to put myself in their shoes. A little bit. Fighting against the I know what’s right for them because I do know what’s right for them but sometimes there’s room for compromise or a different point of view. And this is not just as a parent this is just in general, like, I think I know the way of the world and you’re going to have to work really hard to convince me otherwise. That’s what comes hard to me. When I’m dealing with children and I’m trying to mold their little lives sometimes I have to have their input too. I know that probably contradicts what I said before but it’s an ongoing rechecking of that balance. Because when they’re very little they don’t know anything but I have to learn that the scales are going to tip. At some point their opinion is going to be important. They are going to be formed, they are going to have personalities, they are going to have things that are important to them and then my will is going to be lower so that’s going to be very hard for me.

One thing. I used to go to this mom group. And I loved her. She was fantastic. I remember she always used to say, “you have the kids you have” something about, “your kids help you heal the parts of you that aren’t healed,” like, “your kids challenge you in ways that heal the things that you didn’t even know were broken” and it’s so true. I’ve always been self-centered. I’ve always had this mentality like me, me, me, me and now I have these two people that are like, “I need you to help me” and are like, “I’m different. I’m different from you and you’re going to have to work with that. And I’m different in a totally different way and you’re going to have to work with that.” It’s just that they’re pulling out of me some of the things that I didn’t know I could have. And I’ll tell you, you can probably tell I’m a huge perfectionist, like, perfectionism is my thing and I’ve always kind of been, like as a perfectionist, you probably know this, one of the downsides of being a perfectionist is you don’t like to ever demonstrate failure or weakness, right? And so that’s the way that I was. And so in my job, in my life I’ve always done really, really well: I’ve always been very smart, top of the class, always excelled but usually only based on my natural talents. Anytime I had to work hard to do something I would be scared that somebody would figure out that I didn’t know what I was doing so I would try to hide that. It was a lot of very weird stuff. Then when I became a mom I was like I can’t fuck this up. I can’t hide here. And that’s kind of what brought about this whole transition into having other people help me, thinking more fluid in terms of where I am now, where I want to be, where my kids are now where I want them to be. They really changed me completely and this thing that she said turned out to be correct. The only way I could have grown as a person in the place where I was when I had kids is by having kids. There was no other way. They’re still teaching me. I can tell. My older daughter is going to continue to challenge me and my younger daughter is going to continue to show me the love in the world. These kids are made to heal all the things that were wrong in me. I know that’s a very self-centered concept but it’s the way that I see it.

7. So I think, you know, when you read these books about parenting and discipline— that sometimes is a little bit harder because, you know, I already feel bad that I’m not around so that time that I have with them I want it to be precious and I want it to be fun and I want it to be filled with love and I know that I have to discipline them and obviously I do but I don’t want that entire time to be defined by this mother who goes to work and comes home to lay down the law. And that’s difficult because, you know, you don’t want them to run riot and so you’ve gotta discipline them but you want them to have this positive bond with the mother that’s not necessarily there the whole day. So that’s probably the challenge. And I think now, too, as my older daughter gets older, it’s funny because now I’m that person on the train who’s reading like, “How to Talk to Your Kids so They’ll Listen” and people are probably thinking: wow, she’s got issues at home because— for that exact reason— because I just want to choose my words so carefully and I want to make sure that the way I react is planned in some ways. The whole thing is very carefully— because I don’t want to come home in a screaming rage being like: why haven’t you done your homework? It’s bath time! It’s bedtime! And for awhile I found myself doing that. I’d get home and then I was overwhelmed because I’m like oh my gosh they’ve gotta do all these things before they get to bed they have to brush their teeth they have to do this and they have to read by themselves and they have to practice the piano and then actually that’s not really the quality time that I dreamed of and hoped for; that’s not how I imagined it to be. So I think that’s the bit that’s taking a bit more work is trying to be structured and firm but still keep that bond and keep that closeness.

8. As a mother. Let me think about that one. Well, like I said, I don’t want to be a Tiger Mom but I feel like I still can’t totally strip myself away from that because you’re influenced by your peers; everybody’s in private school yada yada yada. I think that my daughter’s private school is already a pretty laid-back school compare with some other ones but still you hear people, like, they’re having Kumon already, they have tutors, they have 10 activities going on; those definitely affect you. All of our kids are busy. My daugther is busy too. I just don’t know what is really the right thing. Should I just let her just play all the time? Or should I let her do something so she can figure out what’s her passion? I pick up on tennis again, since I don’t work anymore, and I really loved it because the little improvement you’re making make you excited, so I want her to feel the same thing. She’s not good at it; she’s left-hand so she’s not good at tennis, she’s not good at lacrosse but I hope she can enjoy the little improvement while doing this. So I try not to be, like, show me the result but try to let her enjoy the moment. So hopefully that’s the right thing to do. Again, I don’t know. Everybody is so busy so I schedule everything for her as well. I cannot, you know, not do it. And then also we’re Asian so we’re supposed to— you know stereotype: good at math! Good at reading! So should we at least keep up with everyone to be good at math? Because my friend’s kid— they’re doing multiplication, division already at this age. My kids are not. You know what I mean? It’s the sense of achievement for the mom. It’s not about the kids. Know when to stop. So many moms keep pushing them.

I want to be honest with you, I’m trying to avoid a lot of Chinese moms because they’re just too much about their kids. I like to hang out with my American moms because they have a life of their own. Especially, you know, everybody back at home they are maybe 10 times working hard than your kids and you’re like oh my God how can my daughter compete with them in the future? But then also in back of mind you’re saying: is that healthy? Do you want your kids to study? At this stage, literally, they’re already doing homework to 11PM every night at this age.

I don’t even check on her homework; I don’t know what she has for homework. Chinese homework I have to help her because literally the teacher is behind you and I got an evaluation form saying “Mother needs to improve on involvement.” Okay, thank you! We’re not coming back.

I think my daughter did pretty good; she did like 92 out of 100. I’m very happy with that. Maybe everybody else is 99 out of 100. I don’t care. She put her effort. She’s good.

9. Playing. Because I’m so spent doing everything else that it’s hard for me to just sit down and play. And that’s more reserved for my husband. So they’re getting it, they’re just not getting it from me always.

10. Ah, okay, yes. This is something we were just discussing last night. I don’t think I’m good at saying no to things. I’m not good at the very firm, not-a-good-idea, part of things. Some things with discipline I can— like when it comes to safety— like obviously don’t stick your hand in the oven or near the oven, things like that. I’m good about things like that. I’m good about saying, “no, you have to stay off limits from the stove, you don’t put your hand there, you don’t walk down the stairs with your blanket in front of you because you’re going to trip.” Things like that I can be clear about.

But when he pushes for certain things that he wants— if he wants a second of ice cream I will cave sometimes. And I am not good at saying no in those kinds of contexts. And my husband’s like we have to be, we’re the parents. And I’m like I know but it’s hard when you know you’re making a little person sad. I don’t like seeing him crying. I don’t like being the reason why he’s sad. So I struggle with that. And at the same time I know that he has to have some boundaries and some limits. I don’t know if I always express myself well when I’m giving him boundaries.

I try to explain to him why I tell him to do certain things. When we go for a playdate I say to him, “you have to play with the toys in the way that your friend wants you to play with them; you have to be respectful of your friend’s house.” I try to tell him those things but I’m pretty sure it’s in one ear and out the other. But I do try to get it in. But I don’t know that it’s fully heard. But I definitely think I struggle with the discipline part.

I’m also not a huge believer in the time-outs. I don’t know that they really work. I like his preschool teachers this year. They were really cool and one of the things I liked about them was that she would often say, you know, I don’t think time-outs work either and she would just talk to them and try to explain to them why something they were doing wasn’t a good idea. So that’s what I attempt to do. But I don’t think that my son would ever say that I’m a disciplinarian. You know he doesn’t see me that way. I think he definitely sees me as a little bit of a pushover. That’s something I struggle with. And I guess we have to get better at that as he gets older because it’s only going to be more push and pull as he gets older.

Sometimes our pediatrician will say to us, you know, you can’t reason with him you just have to make the rules. And she’s probably right about that. But I always find myself trying to explain and give a reason, because I always felt that when I was a kid, I always wanted to know the why of things; I thought that it was fair. So I kind of go into it with that approach. And maybe she’s right— maybe I’m giving too much explanation.

The times where we have done it where we just let him cry and we hold him and I let him cry it out he does return to a better state and then we are able to get through to him; but it is very tough to do. And it’s tough to experience that. So we’ve had limited success; we probably have to do more of that.

When he’s 18 I’ll probably figure out the best way to communicate with him that’s not going to, hopefully, upset him too much.

11. I have to let go of certain things like not over-worrying about a cough or, you know, if they’re not sleeping not like totally driving myself— you know— so I have to train myself like: it’s okay, these are little kids, it happens. All the kids grow up, everybody goes to school, nothing will happen when they’re in school. Otherwise I would be stressed out all the time.

12. Daughter: Breastfeeding was hard. I sort of had hoped it would feel very natural but instead there was like a parade of— just a blooper reel of— now he won’t do it, now it’s me, now there’s too much milk, now there’s not enough. Every time I went to the pediatrician I’d be like, “it’s still a problem and here’s the new one” so she was shocked I made it to almost five months. She was like, you know, “props.” So that was not natural.

I also had a C-section so from the beginning I was being really cautious about picking him up and so it did make me feel like everything that I did had to be strategized and cleared by a physician. I think that made that idea of sort of entering into this naturally hard for me because I was still recovering and I was being told like don’t pull your stitches and don’t do this. Yeah.

Mom: I think it wasn’t natural for me. I think the selflessness of giving up your life didn’t come naturally to me. I would say, “oh damn, I want to take a shower.” And that was difficult to get used to having another person sort of being the main focus of your life. I didn’t realize how much it was going to curtail on my schedule of life.

13. I am very conscious of not being hypercritical and micromanaging situations. But I think I run the risk of doing the opposite, which is sometimes not providing advice or guidance for scenarios that he would want help in. Finding that balance is not intuitive to me.

I also often forget how emotionally immature kids can be, most of the time he acts tough like a mini adult and then a benign trigger will expose his immaturity and I’m reminded of just how vulnerable he is.

Also, I’m not naturally physically affectionate with kids, it has taken me a lot of time to get comfortable with a child grabbing my hand or constantly wanting to be in physical contact.

14. I think it’s been tough trying to balance work, a full-time job, and having a family. I just feel like there’s not enough time in a day to do everything and, not to sound selfish, but I do think it’s so important that you take time for yourself too. For your own well-being. And I think just balancing all of those things is really difficult. The weekend is the time to go grocery shopping and laundry and all of those things and we still have activities on the weekend and I feel like sometimes it’s just a rat race and they’re so little right now and I know we’re only going to get busier and busier. So I think the balance is definitely the hardest part. I also find that, you know, I had a challenging class this year, and I think some days, because I spent so much of my patience at school, when I came home I felt like I was snappier. Not every day but— just definitely the balance.

15. Two things. One is sort of pedestrian and the other is more theoretical. So the crazy organization of their schedules. I’m a relatively type A person in business and working at a computer is where I belong. So you’d think that organizing a schedule for a little person would be just— To me if I didn’t have a nanny to coordinate where they should be and when I don’t know that they would be in as many activities. And I think that’s partially because I do work outside the home— well it’s actually inside the home— but aside from being a mother and that I’m absorbed already in the logistics of work/family time I’m like, oh this is nice. So on a Saturday, being somewhere at 8:30 I’m like that’s probably not going to happen. Or if it does, like, I’ll look like this. And as I have more children I think I’ll probably get better at it because it’s such a necessary thing to do to keep them occupied. But I would say more naturally what comes to me is, like, “it’s the weekend we don’t have any plans!” So that certainly— I have to self-manage for that.

The second thing is I think also related to being a working parent and I have not figured this out yet: I so value and want to be present for the joys of spending time with them and so I start my evening with them at 5:30 with them every day and that’s like my special time with them. It’s very frustrating though to not feel like I’m not the best professional version of myself or the best mothering version of myself by virtue of the fact that I’m trying to do both. I heard someone say recently that they don’t believe in balance they believe in boundaries. That kind of resonated with me because I don’t feel like it’s ever a balance; I feel like something is always out of balance. I’m either doing really well at this and not as well as I’d like to do at that or vice versa. And I think this does come naturally to me: I think to be generous with myself. I’m not a beat myself up type of person— like mom guilt or whatever— I try not to indulge in that because I feel like nobody is going to be the best at everything. I try to be as good as I can be at the several things I’m trying. And in terms of the boundaries— prioritize. Not say yes to things that take me away from the things that are my highest priorities. Say no. If I wrote a book it would be called, “Fuck, No.” I already have a plan for it.

16. What does not come naturally— in terms of motherhood? Being very laid back. I’m very— I’m not an anxious person but it’s not my style to be very whatever. Maybe because I’m a teacher I’m a little more structured; I’m a little more regimented with schedules and stuff like that and I sort of wish that I could be— I try. I work on being a little bit more loosey goosey with certain things but it’s just out of my comfort zone.

That’s a hard question. What doesn’t come naturally? We waited a long time to have kids; we were married for 8 years. I wasn’t old but I was older by society’s norms— all these norms that people have— I was a little older. I was considered high risk with my second. And I think I’m happy I waited because I wanted it more. It wasn’t like a total shock; I was ready for it.

I cut myself a little slack. I can’t beat myself up all the time. Because it’s easy to nowadays with social media and these expectations and these snapshots of these picture-perfect moments. Did you read— there was this article. This woman wrote how she was on vacation and she was watching this mom. She came to the pool, matching swimsuits with her daughter, all done up, hair was perfect, makeup. And she was by the pool for maybe an hour and the woman was saying how she watched them take pictures and pose, you know, for social media. But there was nothing, like, loving about it. It was staged. She didn’t play with her daughter, she didn’t engage with her daughter. Everything was just for the picture to be posted and the second she got her shot she wrapped up all the toys and everything and took the daughter back to, you know, wherever. And she wrote this whole, like: I don’t want to bash this mom because, you know, you don’t know why she did it. Maybe she gets paid to do it or maybe it’s her job or whatever but it’s like— she didn’t enjoy her kid. And you’re gonna miss that in 15 years when they want to go out and hang out with their friends. You don’t want to look back and say: I should have cuddled with them more. I should have spoken to them more. I should have listened to them sing, you know, whatever song 1500 times, you know? I don’t want to look back and say: I wish I cuddled with them more. You get caught up in the moment of life. But your life really is your family and your kids, right? That’s your legacy.

It’s hard. You were a person before you had kids. So how do you differentiate who you were and are and being a mom and being a wife and being a teacher and being a maid and a chef. Women are just the most amazing people because we literally can do it all and we do. We do it every damn day. It takes a village but sometimes I think that one woman is a village. Because we do everything. We are the village. But it’s just nice when you have those friends that you can call up and be like, “I’m going to fucking sell my kids and I’m going to put them outside and I’m going to sell them for 25 cents because they’re driving me crazy.” You need to be able to say it to one of your friends who’s not going to be like, “oh my God you don’t mean that!” You have to be like, “yes, bitch, I know. I’m there too” and it just makes you feel better. It’s a hard job. And it’s a lonely one sometimes too. Guys are just wired differently. They don’t get it. Not that they’re better or worse, they’re just different. It’s not a competition of who’s better at parenting, it’s just that they do it differently. Which I think is good— it’s a good balance. But the things that I worry about my husband’s like [shrugs]—And I’m like how are you alive? Because of your mom. Not because of your dad. Moms do it all.

17. It’s gotten better, but what did not come naturally to me was probably fitting him into my life. You know, you’re on maternity leave so everything you do is around your baby. But I remember going out with my friend for the first time and my son was probably like a month and we went into town. The stroller, like, went off the sidewalk, I’m trying to nurse him, and I left things— I was so flustered. I strapped him in the carseat—you know he was in the infant seat— so I put him right into my car but I never strapped him in. I got home— luckily I was just in town and it was a two minute ride, but I didn’t strap him in. Fitting him into my everyday life. Leaving the house with him. I didn’t go anywhere for months which I think led to me feeling out of sorts, whereas my younger son I had to. I had a toddler so I went right away. But with my first fitting in and doing things with him did not come naturally to me.

I had a much easier time with my second and knowing what to expect. I think, for me, the hardest part about being a mom in the very beginning was not knowing what to expect, not knowing when it’s going to end, not knowing if what I’m doing was right. I have this innate drive to make sure I’m doing things correctly and as best as I can. And I didn’t know if anything I was doing was great. With my second I was a little bit able to let that go. I was like: this all ends and none of this really matters right now whether he’s sleeping flat or in a this or in a that or in a swing. I remember thinking the unscheduled portion— the non-schedule was what was hard. And I just knew that my second would eventually get on a schedule so I was okay with it.

18. The hardest thing was sleep deprivation. Just getting through the periods of being up all night. Having days and nights turned around. And also just having to worry about the welfare of someone else all the time. Because I had my own anxieties to begin with but then once you have a baby it’s, you know, amplified, because you are not only worried about yourself but about this little helpless thing you’re responsible for.

19. That’s an interesting question. For me I felt like I was ready for motherhood. I lived my young years; I traveled. So I was mentally prepared for motherhood. I wanted it. I think I was probably unprepared for my husband’s lack of involvement. For instance when I came home with my son, my daughter was 2 and 9 months and my husband went back to work the day after I came home from the hospital. I’m like, I have a C-section, I have a soon-to-be-3 year old and a newborn sitting here and I can’t walk. You know? And I don’t think he understood the state that I was in? I was not healed. He needed to be home for a little while to help me out for a little bit? So I was unprepared for that lack of support. Or that he just didn’t understand what I needed in that moment. That I wasn’t able to function and care for two children yet.

20. Being patient. I am not a very patient person by nature, and kids have a way of testing patience and pushing buttons like no other! I have to make a conscious effort every single day to try to remain calm and patient with my kids, and while I can’t say that I never lose my cool, I can say that I am more patient now than I was before I became a mother.

21. I think the relationship part of it with my husband. That’s been work. We knew it would be work. Like I read all this stuff that was like quality of life for married couples goes down so much when you introduce a baby and then like especially if you introduce a second one within a certain— and so I was really worried about that? Our relationship has gotten stronger. It hasn’t suffered. But it’s effort to say things that aren’t just about the baby and to like let him have his space when the baby is crying and not be like, “I got it.” I have to think about it and not snap at each other when we’re tired kind of thing.

22. Feeding, diapering, bathing, everything really. Except holding her.

23. La paciencia.

24. I’m not as patient as I hoped I would be. I really have to remind myself not to yell. I thought I would not. I never really thought about it. I thought I wouldn’t yell or we could work it out. But I didn’t think that I would be that impatient but I am and I really have to work at it. For sure. Having children has pointed out that I am not patient and that I could stand to give people, not just my children but all people around me a lot more— I was talking to another mom about this and the word she used was grace which I thought was a really nice way to put it. And it’s true. And it’s something I work on really actively and it’s almost like a muscle memory thing; like if I practice being patient it comes more naturally: the more I am the more it works because it’s like a habit. If I can get myself into the habit of being more kind and gentle then it’s fine. But there was a time, especially when I was pregnant, when I was just yelling at my daughter. And I couldn’t— I was so frustrated— I couldn’t believe how mad I could get at this two year old. She was undoubtedly frustrating but, like, she’s a person; she’s two and there are definitely times when my husband and I will, like, tap each other out and be like I’ll take care of this. But even now with our son, because I have another person I’ll get less patient with him than I was with her. I’ll get frustrated more easy. It’s like stimulus overload: like the dogs are barking, my daughter is talking, he’s doing whatever he’s doing and it’s too much in my head and I lose it and then I’m like: sorry I needed a moment of not talking at me or whatever it is. It’s definitely a patience thing. That’s something that just doesn’t come that naturally to me that I really have to be active on.

25. I would say, for example, when my first was starting to be able to play by herself a little bit, but still needed someone else to stimulate her really, knowing what would be best for her in terms of play. I kind of blame that on, well, I wasn’t trained in education. I don’t have an education degree and I’m not a teacher. But just feeling like oh, you’re at the age now well maybe you’d want to paint or maybe you want to color. Like those things, yeah, I really did have to look, like, where developmentally— what should she be playing with that I’m not providing at this point. And it wasn’t until I went back to work and she started at daycare that I realized how much I didn’t know. Oh you should have been—not should have been necessarily but— I could have been exposing you to these things and I just didn’t— I don’t know how to play with a 7 month old. Really. That would also be educational at the same time. As opposed to me just making fart noises and letting you laugh. You know? It was that kind of stuff that I was like oh, you could probably play with this that or the other and I don’t have those toys yet. It was those kinds of things that I felt like I should have read more about and yeah. After her first week of daycare I felt like she was so different because she had been exposed to just, like, putting her hands on construction paper and things. I was like, I didn’t even think that that was like tactile things that you would need to experience. I’m sorry. She was only 4 months old, but I definitely saw a difference in her. And I was like, you were watching me do laundry is what you were doing for two hours yesterday instead of touching a fuzzy thing. So yeah, those things did not come naturally to me.

26. Discipline.

27. Relaxing. Being able to flow with it and to be calm. There. And that’s why my husband was so wonderful. I used to say he was the mother because he was calm; he was just calm. I know that when my son was a young kid as soon as I would hold his hand it would calm me down. His calm heartbeat would resonate with me. It would calm me down.

And those are just some of the things that do not come naturally to mothers. Can you relate?

Coming up: a real doozy: How has being a mother changed your relationship with your spouse? [insert wild laughter]