Mom Talk – Part 10

Question: Are you happy?

I will admit “are you happy?” pre-pandemic and “are you happy?” post-pandemic look different. We’ve been socially isolating for 2 months now. Am I happy? I mean yes. But I’m sad my kids can’t be with their friends and teachers and I am very aware that no matter how much I try they are not going to be as prepared for the next grade as they would have been if they had been in school this whole time. And I’m distraught over the kids who are simply unable to keep up with school work whether it’s because their parents are working or they don’t have a computer or internet. And I’m struggling to understand how we as a society are going to rectify the massive inequalities that are emerging as a result of this pandemic especially for the kids. I’m so sad for the kids. I’m anxious about the future. I’m scared to get too close to my friends but I am desperately missing them. I am worried. I am confused about what the world will look like when we go back into it. And then I feel a tremendous sense of guilt because I am in a position to feel all of these feelings and then close the door on them and fall back on happiness. Yes the world is crumbling around us but I have the luxury of staying inside and maintaining my health. Yes the future is uncertain but we are, for the moment, secure.

Am I happy? Yes, thank God. Are other moms happy? They used to be. I don’t know how their answers would be different now and maybe they wouldn’t be different at all. Moms base their happiness on so many things:

Happiness based on balance. Happiness based on gratitude and acknowledging good fortune. Happiness based on no regrets. Happiness based on acknowledging imperfections in self and life and striving for better. Happiness based on self-actualization and independence. Happiness based on achievement of childhood dreams but not contentment— wanting more. Happiness despite hardships and challenges. Happiness despite not having the life you imagined. Happiness based on good relationship with partner. Happiness based on gratitude. Happiness based on children but still striving to achieve the life you imagined. Happiness based on living life goals but fear of what now? Happiness even though there are other feelings too. Happiness based on satisfaction with life— not feeling jealousy or envy for someone else’s life. Happiness based on accepting the life that unfolded. Happiness despite envy and what if.

The answers:

1. That’s a loaded question. In many ways yes, but I’ll always play the what-if game. In most ways yes. But I’ll always play the what-if game.

2. Mhm. Yes. I can say that I’m happy. There are other things that go on in my life that I’m not happy about but motherhood is not one of them.

3. Yes! Oh my God. I have so much to be grateful for. I was having lunch with a friend of mine who’s the same age as me in the city. She’s turning 40 this year and she’s like, “you know I’m so depressed I’m turning 40” and I’m like really? You are beautiful you have beautiful children who are healthy and doing great you have a great marriage you are very fortunate financially you have a lot of opportunity and options and prosperity. You have so much to be grateful for turning 40 and you have so much to look at and be proud of and, you know, there should be no reason to be upset turning 40. And then I got it out of her that there was a little piece missing. But, for the most part, I look at my life and I’m like— I have everything and more than I could have hoped for and yes, I am happy.

4. Um, mostly. Like I’m an optimistic person and my gestalt is happy but not universally happy, you know? Not every minute. Not about every thing. Like, I read the newspaper and I want to dive under the deck and I feel super unhappy but I’m happy right now talking to you.

5. Yeah. Yeah I’m really happy. I think I feel really lucky I found a really good balance between working and being with my kids and I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe someday I’ll have scaled down at work or maybe I’ll take a break or whatever, but right now I really like my job; I like what I do and it really allows me the flexibility to still do drop off if I want to sometimes or pick up when I want to or be home during the day if I want to or get coffee on a Tuesday morning. So I really love that most of the time I feel like I have this good balance going. I feel like the kids really do feel my presence, like, I don’t think that they think I’m absent during the week at all. So yeah. I wouldn’t change anything. I’m really happy with where we are and I really like my husband and our relationship.

6. Of course. Absolutely. I am so lucky. It’s really, to me, a matter of gratitude. I am beyond— in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined that I would have this life. And I have a very regular— like I’m in sales— I have a very regular job. My husband has, you know, in our circles he’s like a big deal, but we both have regular jobs. We live in this nice town but it’s not like, you know, we’re not like changing the world. Maybe my husband is changing the world a little but we’re very regular people and I feel like we’re comfortable. We don’t have to worry about feeding our kids; our biggest problem is where are we going to send them to summer camp. I am the luckiest person in the world. I have no complaints about any of this. I am very, very lucky and I think as long as I keep seeing it that way I’ll be happy. I think once I start thinking about: well, I wish I had this, I wish I had that then maybe I won’t be happy. But I’ve been completely blessed.

7. Yeah. I’m happy and I’ll say I’m also always feeling that I’m so far from perfect and so far from being where I’d like to be or what I think I ought to be doing. So I probably view myself as a failure every day. But a happy one. A happy one in the sense: I know I’m doing my best— I’m reassessing all the time and I know I’m trying to do what I think is important and what’s important is redefining all the time. But yeah, I’m definitely happy. I don’t have any regrets as such. Always things I feel like I can do better.

8. I would say yes, especially now I find my passion I’m happier. Because at the beginning of the year or last year I wasn’t sure because I think we’re moving but I couldn’t figure out what I can do there so I have my doubt. But now I figure out what can keep me busy. Also independence sort of from my husband because I never really wanted to rely on him. So I have my independence; I’m happy. And the kids will be with the Dad so we’re happy. Maybe we have a moment later on in life so come back to me in 6 months.

9. Yes.

10. I am. I mean, I want another child. So I don’t know if it’s the difference between happy and content, you know, I would say that I’m happy but I’m not content. I do want that other child to round things out. I want my son to have another child to play with and to do all the things that kids do with their brothers and sisters and I just want him to have another reference point besides his parents and his nanny. I want him to interact with children more too and that’s why we try to schedule a lot of playdates. But when you are a mom of a single child you are spending a lot of time playing and you do want to see that shift over to time that he’s spending with other children to play. So I do want to have that.

But I would say that I’m happy in a way that I always wanted to be and I never knew— it was never a guarantee to me that it was going to happen. When I was a little girl, my father and mother of course always talked to me about, you know, you’re going to be married and have kids and this and that and it was always this distant dream. In my twenties and thirties I was working in the city and I had broken an engagement when I was in my late twenties and I had some bad experiences with guys and there was a couple of let downs that had happened. Actually two engagements broken that were smart to break. But I felt time ticking and I was worried that I was going to run out of time. So for me it was the biggest joy finding out that I was pregnant and I actually didn’t know until I was four and a half months, fully. But it did, it filled my whole body. I felt so much happiness coursing through my body the moment that I found out. It gave me the chills and I was like yes. The universe just said yes to me to this one thing that I’ve wanted my entire life. And it was the happiest, happiest moment. Beyond getting married, beyond any of that. That moment when I found out pregnancy it was like a giant yes. The universe was cooperating in a way that I wanted and it was so satisfying and so I want another one. I’m happy but not content.

And also, beyond wanting another child there’s obviously other things I want too. We want to get a dog and we have a couple other things on our list that we need to get or that I think that would be good for all of us. I think pets are good for kids too.

11. Oh yes. I’m very happy.​

12. Daughter: Yes. I happen to be going through a lot of changes. I also left my job. We’re also moving. So I’m feeling a little bit overwhelmed right now by everything that needs to happen with the baby but I wouldn’t change anything. I still laugh a lot and smile a lot and he’s the main reason why. I’m scared of him but, you know, fear is a kind of happiness too, right?

Mom: You know, my motherhood now is really mostly gone. Except for supervising. I’m happy with my husband. I’m getting old so I have to face all these hard things and health things but on the whole in my life, I mean, I want to get rid of this house. But I’m happy with the most important things in my life. I’m happy, yeah.​

13. It’s interesting you’re asking that. Unrelated to this 2019 has been a hard year for me and I feel like I was really pretty unhappy between 2 and 4 or 5 it was a pretty tough time. My brother was like, “are you sure this is the right time to do this with everything going on?” Most of the unhappiness was sourced from work stuff. And I was like, “you know, I actually think maybe because of that it’s the best time.” I feel like number 1— I didn’t want this work drama going on to compromise anything else. It had already taken so much sacrifice and had depleted me in so many ways that I was like I’m not willing to let it compromise this other thing I’ve really wanted to do. I also feel like it forces me to have perspective. It forces me to have something else in my life that reminds me of what actually is important. And so I think I would say I am happy and there is no one thing that can cause that to be happy or not but I think that this experience has actually helped that for the most part.

When I’m having the worst day at work or, you know, feel like my whole company is falling apart, my son doesn’t give a shit about that. He doesn’t know anything about any of that. And there’s something really freeing about that. It’s like oh right this is like all in here. All of this unhappiness—

14. Yeah, I would say so. I feel like ultimately I always thought of myself as hoping to be a stay-at-home parent and that wasn’t in the cards for us, which is fine. I do feel like I have a fairly well-rounded life. I think I have the best of both worlds being a teacher and being off in the summertime, like, I kind of get to do that a little bit but at the same time I have a job. I do think mentally I think it’s a nice thing for me to have work sometimes although I said this year was really challenging and that did, I think, affect my family just in the sense that I think I said I didn’t have as much patience; I was more tired, that kind of thing. But I think overall, you know, I have a well-balanced life. I have a partner that really shares a lot of the work with me. He’s a good dad so I think our relationship is good. Like I said, I wish we had a little more time to ourselves but I think that’s just part of the nature of this stage of the game with little kids. Overall I would say I am.

15. Yes I am. I feel like I have— and this is something I’m so grateful for— again I don’t take credit for this because I feel like it was something I was somehow imbued with at birth— I feel very fulfilled almost always. And I think I would feel that way if I lived under a bridge. I have a very— and I do feel like this is a gift because I do know so many people who feel tortured on a daily basis and I hope that’s never me— I am really grateful because for the most part I feel really good. Even when things, situations, and they’re have been plenty of those where I’m like— that sucks— growing up, through marriage, through whatever. There are difficult things all the time. For whatever reason, and again I don’t know what I did to deserve it, for the most part I’m like: everything is going to be fine. It’s all good. So yes. And probably therapy helps.

16. Yes, I am.

17. Yeah. I mean yes. I don’t— yeah. I’m definitely happy. Sometimes I think could I be happier? But then I wouldn’t know what to tell you. I mean could I be happier if I traveled to Europe more this year? Like— yes.

18. Yes. It depends on when you ask me. Yeah, no, I’m pretty happy. It always feels like just when I’m comfortable and happy that some big change happens. But that’s just life. But right now I feel pretty content, yeah.​

19. I’m happy with my children. I’m not where I want to be in life so I don’t think I’m happy with myself. But I’m happy with my family. You know? I am very happy in that way and grateful because I know where I come from. So I have definitely ascended from where I come from but I’m not quite where I want to be. So you know I have mixed feelings on that.

20. I have never been happier in my life.

21. Yes. Yeah. I feel like— you know I used to always write my goals. I still do. I feel like I’m living inside them now, which is really cool. And it’s also sort of unnerving because I’m like— now what? But yeah. I’m like wildly happy. Couldn’t be happier.

22. Yes. I’m happy with my life. I’m very satisfied with my life. Of course there’s days that I’m angry. Of course there’s days that I’m sad. But by and large I’m happy. I don’t wish I was somebody else. I don’t wish I had something I didn’t have— not just material, just anything.

23. Completamente.

24. Mhm. Yeah. I am. I think before I sort of struggled to find a career that really suited me. I didn’t love always what I was doing or I’d love what I was doing but I always struggled with the bureaucracy and the things you’d have to do in order to get ahead and you’d have to think about yourself a lot. Not that I don’t think about myself but I was always on a team and that really worked for me, like playing sports and that feel of being on a team and working hard towards a common goal with other people. And jobs just aren’t like that because even when they are it’s your life so you have to get ahead and sometimes you have to step on other people and I see why good people do that and it didn’t work for me. So I always thought I’d find a great career and be a part-time stay-at-home mom or like, find a way to work some flexibility in so I could do the things but I always wanted to stay home for at least 6 months and for whatever reason I had that in my head, like, 3 months I could just see it. Even before I knew anything about it, it just seemed like not enough. So I did and I was going to go back to work and look for another job. I was like, I don’t want to do this. Even the jobs that I was looking for that felt right I’d go on an interview and be like— it wasn’t there. I didn’t have the drive or the passion or the enthusiasm that I would have had a year prior. So once I really settled in to accepting being a stay-at-home mom and what that meant and stepped back outside of what I thought I wanted if I looked at my day-to-day I was— I am and was really happy. The things that made me unhappy weren’t being a stay-at-home mom, they were more like the transitional things. Moving was really hard. Just the adjustment of identity. And once I recognized that I realized, well, I’m really happy so why am I not feeling really happy? Because I really like what’s happening so I had to marry my life to whatever mental image I thought had or hadn’t been there. Whatever plan. And again that goes back to me recognizing that I need to just relax and recognize that. But I am. I am really happy. I don’t know what life I pictured, though I guess, theoretically, I grew up 15 minutes away: this is not all that different than what I would have pictured. But I mean I couldn’t ask for anything better. I feel really lucky. We have two healthy kids, we have this really great house, we have all these nice neighbors. We’re safe. That doesn’t mean that person is happy. But I am actually. And I think that’s why I can be kind of relaxed about things or feel good about it. Because everything thus far has worked out so nicely that, I don’t know, I’m sure it’ll work out again, whatever it is.

25. Yeah I’d say ultimately I am. It’s hard. I feel like, again, this is just stock answer but it’s easy to just slip into envy when you see social media stuff: oh this is what their life is like and maybe what you want— certain wants versus needs— but I think yeah. I’m happy. I am. And maybe this is unhealthy but I’m a happier person with my kids than I was without them. Certainly. My first child definitely opened up something in me that probably wasn’t there before. This is going to sound so silly but I tell this story like how funny it is how, much we take for granted. The first time she was on her play mat and she heard a noise and looked towards it and developmentally she was at a spot where she knew to look towards a noise and obviously her hearing had been tested, she could hear, but she didn’t know enough to look towards a noise and it was amazing and I was like: she is a genius; this is incredible. And then I realized how much B.S. we don’t even consider or think about. And seeing her experience things makes me so happy and makes me so happy to be alive and to be with my husband and to have these kids. I’m grateful for all of that. So I’d say yeah I’m happy. Ultimately.

26. Yes.

27. Yes. I feel very, very happy. Very, very lucky. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel. I have the best family in the world and the best daughter in law, the most accomplished. I don’t know how. The best mother for my grandchildren that could ever be. So yes I feel very, very lucky.

Coming up: Mom Talk – Part 11: What is the most impressive thing you have ever done?

Mom Talk – Part 8

Question: What is the range of emotions you feel on a typical day?

If there were a manual given to every woman everywhere in the world upon the birth of her first child I believe it would begin: Welcome to motherhood. You will be tired for the rest of your life. First and foremost and above all else I feel exhaustion. I can drink a pot of regular coffee in the afternoon and fall asleep on a rock at 8. My brain is tired. My body is tired. My heart is tired. I don’t know if it’s an emotion exactly but exhaustion is the underlying condition that impacts all other feelings. Here are some synonyms for tired: exhausted, weary, annoyed, bored, distressed, drained, exasperated, fatigued, irritated, overworked, sleepy, stale, beat, consumed, haggard. Yes. That’s it. That’s motherhood.

[I feel like you can tell I wrote all this before social isolation because the next feeling I talk about is rushed. These days I definitely don’t feel rushed and I will admit it is one of the blessings of our current situation that we aren’t constantly rushing everywhere all the time. I fully expect that when the world reopens the new normal will still involve rushing.]

I feel rushed— I feel like I did not fully understand— and sometimes it still surprises me— the time it takes kids to do things. And there are so many things. Daily grind kind of things, after-school activity kind of things, obligation kind of things. We are constantly going somewhere and doing something and even when we have an afternoon free I find myself rushing to relax. Come on! Let’s relax!

I feel: guilty when I take time for myself; amazed at how real my children are; relief at how lucky I am; frustrated when I feel like no one listens and everyone is screaming to be heard. I feel it all. I don’t think there’s a single feeling I don’t feel.

It’s strange to feel happy and sad and love and hate and peace and anxiety and amusement and annoyance all potentially within the same hour, but that is the motherhood experience. It’s constantly feeling. There’s never a moment when your amygdala is simply disabled. You might feel feelings consecutively and you might feel them concurrently and it’s all normal. If you feel sad and happy at the same time that’s normal. If you feel rage and pride at the same time that’s normal. If you feel frustrated and relieved at the same time that’s normal. It’s all normal. You’re not alone.

The answers:

1. Love, frustration, rage—that’s it.

2. One of my goals as a mother is whenever I wake my daughter up in the morning or she wakes me is to be happy and to start that day off right. That’s something I try to do. I’m fairly consistent with it. I just start it off happy and then move into rushed and then I’m in the Batman phase and I’m using my Batman voice and I’m late, I’m late, we’re late, we’re late, hurry up. But overall it’s pretty consistent. I wish I were more present at times but— being an entrepreneur— that’s been hard. That’s been a challenge and I’m constantly working on that but overall it’s just a pretty happy existence. Tired, but happy.​

3. I mean, what’s sad is like tired always is the first word that always comes to mind. I feel like I’m always tired. There’s never a moment that I just don’t want to lie down at some point. My husband’s like, “take a nap!” I’m like oh my God between work and the kids— no, I’m not taking a nap. I have to be honest: my days are very even. I’ve got a pretty well-oiled machine going on. My days are very even; my emotions are very even and everything is very, very nice and streamlined at this stage so I don’t think I have a range of emotions during the day. And you probably see that in me too. I’ve got a well-oiled system. I’m not saying I have it all together but I’ve got a system. Between the au pair, the fact that my marriage is really strong, the kids have a lot of structure at home, everyone is kind of on track, I’ve got the business. Everything is kind of where it needs to be. That’s the zone I’d like to stay in. I like that zone.

4. I feel: my son is hilarious so I feel laughy. I am so enchanted with his quiet but subtle and his clever personality. I feel anxiety about his future because he’s still— in production. And he’s got his IEP and his learning schtick and he’s really smart and he’s really smart— and with support he’s doing it but— what’s going to be? And for my daughter I feel: I’m so interested and proud and I watch her do amazing, amazing things. And she— her process is to take her anxieties and whatever’s gone wrong, dump them on me and then move on. So that’s part of the role I can provide to her and, you know, it’s part of her support mechanism. So I feel churn when she does that and I have to talk myself down: she’s gonna be fine, this is fine, she’s just dumped on you, you’ve seen this, you don’t have to carry this monkey, she’s taken it off of her and said, “here— would you hold this for me?” And I can pretend to say yes and not really do it. So that happens a lot, like, “I’m going to fail this test tomorrow.” Alright that’s never happened before but alright let’s go with that. And I feel a lot like I’m handling that wrong, like, she’s not looking for me to problem-solve. I know intellectually she’s looking for me to carry her monkey but I feel like I am Action Jackson and I want— I want to be strategic and I don’t want to just do things for the sake of doing things, but I am uncomfortable seeing something that needs to be done and not doing it. Like, I want to touch things once, I want to get a lot done. My life is like a Tetris game so if I have five minutes and there’s something I can do in five minutes I’m gonna pull it off the list and get that thing done. Same thing happened with my daughter: shampoo exploded— you want me to order new shampoo and send it to you? She can order the shampoo just fine, but even the emotional stuff like I’m trying to problem-solve. I’m trying to train myself not to offer solutions to her ’cause it’s not what she wants from me; it’s not what she needs. I have to get past this is not about me. It’s not helpful. It sends the wrong message. It sends like: I don’t think you can do this. I know she can do it. I, for a fact, know she can do it. She’s done big things. Giving them the opportunity to make mistakes. I should have said: I’m sure you’ll handle it. Let me know if there’s anything you need. She’s got her phone there’s nothing she couldn’t do.

5. I would say probably everything along the spectrum, every day. Lows feeling I’m not being a good mom when I’m going to work and then my daughter asks me to take her to school and I can’t because I’m going to work, and then highs when I get home from work and they’re running around and so excited to see me and having dinner, and then lows again because they didn’t finish their dinner and didn’t eat any of their vegetables, and then high again when they’re playing in the bath. I would say everything, all over.

6. Is tired an emotion? I would say the majority of my emotions are like— is it anxiety? It’s like I always have the next challenge to overcome. Like the week ahead of me. It’s like I can’t wait for this to be completed. I feel like I live my life in constant, like, okay when’s the next point when I can breathe because I feel very overwhelmed a lot. I don’t know. But then once I’m done breathing that quickly dissipates and then I’m overwhelmed again.

And maybe it’s just the time. We just moved and now our house is just sitting there abandoned basically. And our realtor keeps calling like when are you going to be ready to put it on the market? And we’re like we have stuff to do there’s just all these things. I’m always in the we have all these things to do mindset and not just me— it’s my husband too. I feel like he takes very good ownership of things as well. But I just always feel overwhelmed. I was talking to a coworker two days ago and I was like, “I need everybody else to take a vacation. I just want to be left alone.” He’s like, “you need a me-cation” and I was like, “no, I need an else-cation.” I need everybody else to just stop and go away. Like: world please stop for a minute so I can, like, have a coffee or watch Dead to Me. Binge it.

7. You know it’s funny because when we lived in London I used to say to my husband “our neighbors will never be our friends because they probably hear the screaming—” that morning routine screaming between, like, 7 and 8 AM and I’m like, “we’re getting judged— hard— nobody wants to be friends with us.” The mornings are probably, unfortunately, the worst time of day for us. It’s a mad rush. Everybody is trying to get out the door. We’re trying to get to work. And if things go wrong in the morning, unfortunately it just kind of sets the tone for the day. And if things are lovely and they’re really cooperative in the morning and we’ve had a nice start that kind of sets the tone. And we went through a period where, when we came back in the evenings, we were walking in at 6 and we had an hour to get everything in order before they go to bed so you’re in a mad rush. And similarly on the weekends we were finding ourselves in this, again, this rush because what we were doing is booking in all these activities on weekends ’cause— again— mom guilt. So I’m like I can’t do it on the weekdays so I’ll just pack it in on the weekends. And then I realized this is not what I visualized; this is not what I thought being a mother was going to be like or how I wanted it to be. I don’t want my relationship with them to be like I’m this time keeper basically, you know, constantly shuttling them around to the next thing.

And so we have revisited and we’ve cleared our schedule. So Saturdays are just about family time. We’re just doing nothing. Just relax. No rush. No schedule. And those days are probably the best days ’cause we’ll just be playing board games or we’ll cook together and it maybe means that my kids won’t be chess champions or whatever but actually I genuinely believe that if we go on in that way of constantly being in a rush they’re not going to want to be at home. They’re gonna be teenagers that are like: actually this is crazy and this is not fun and I’m just gonna go. So that’s definitely something we’re trying to work on— just really hone it back in and make it about family time.

I think it’s really easy to get pulled in so many directions and I think that’s what contributes to the roller coaster of emotions. I think if you pulled that out and just focused on spending time— that’s lovely and that’s beautiful and they’re gonna bicker but you can work through that if you’re not in a rush. Being in a rush is what makes it all dangerous. It makes it all so negative. And then you think: what’s that for? And is it really worth it? Probably not. So just like bringing it back to basics and simplifying back to more of what our parents did. And we shouldn’t underestimate that I don’t think. We shouldn’t underestimate how valuable that is to just have that down time, have that quality time and not always be trying to— I feel like we’re trying to fit this mold— become these ideal mothers that do everything and are president of the PTA and volunteering here and doing all this stuff at school but also doing all these amazing things as mothers and as women; and you’re just like we need to cut ourselves a break and be realistic about how much we can actually do without turning into a monster or into that screaming neighbor that I have been for so long.

8. Typical day, so. Morning is always get going, get going, get going! And if they’re behind or cranky you’re just like, “please we can’t be late!” Then you have a moment of quiet once they are out of the house. But then as the clock ticking by 3: oh my God they’re coming back. You do miss them during the day but as soon as they come back within the hour you’re like: uh I miss my quiet moment and they just have to drag through the night until they go to bed. The hardest time is when you’re cooking and they’re playing and they want your attention while you need to do the work or you need to cook. That’s the hard moment. Weekend is always hard because weekdays is always like a vacation to me. Yes, I have au pair to help me, but weekend they want me even if I have her they just want me. So if we have a monitor then we have a peak in the morning, a peak after they come back through dinner time, bed time, then moments of quiet again.

Since I’m been kind of busy and also I work with the Chinese team so there’s 12 hour difference so I usually work through midnight. And I like it because finally they’re in bed I can focus on your job.

The big thing for mother— you always function. You’re sick— you’re still functioning until they go to bed. You don’t have a sick day.

9. Tired. Love. Happiness. Anxiety. Grateful. And complete. That feeling of completeness. All of that.

10. A big range. There’s always a big range. Because I’m an older mother there probably isn’t a single day that I don’t wake up thinking this is the last day that he’s going to, you know, do this. I think about: he’s not going to need his swim diapers anymore; he’s moving now to the toddler stage. I’m very aware of time passing. I’ll get a little bit sad; I’ll get a little bit— oh my gosh he’s growing up; he’s losing a little bit of the baby fat in his cheeks and then at the same time, proud. I see he’s progressing in certain respects in terms of his art or in terms of the way he’s expressing himself and so I’ll feel that. And then I’ll feel joy because he makes me laugh, if my son says something funny to me and it’s pretty clever. He’s rhyming now so he’ll make a little poem and it’ll crack me up. I’ll feel a big range of emotions.

The other thing too, for us, we’re a little bit in a sandwich generation because my mother has Alzheimer’s. So I also feel conscious of time passing for her. I try to make the most of weekends, especially with my son and her. I’ll Facetime her and I’ll put him on there so that I make sure she gets her time with him. Because I don’t want to have any regrets when it comes to her, and especially with her and my son, so I want her to experience him as much as she can while she still remembers him and I want to keep him fresh in her memory for as long as possible. That’s a big thing. So yeah, we go through big emotions in every day. It’s definitely a lot.

And sometimes there’s frustration too. Obviously there’s a kid misbehaving; we have our moments or we’re feeling challenged and we don’t know how to get him to do something that we want him to do. There’s a negative side of it too. There’s definitely a whole range of feelings and some of those feelings are very big feelings.

11. Happiness to sadness to love. Fear. Of course it depends on a day-to-day basis. But I think they challenge us enough to feel the whole range of emotions in one single day.

12. Daughter: I can’t do this slash I’m doing this! I don’t know, what do you think?

Mom: Well for me it’s even now. Even keel. But I think when I see you I think that it’s amazing what you’re doing. How you maintain writing a book and working for the Los Angeles Review of Books and still being a mother. I think you maybe expected it was going to be—

Daughter: I kind of thought it was going to be easier. It all sounds really stupid now. I thought I’d just put him in a chair. Or strap him in and just do my day. Like the Good Earth, like the lady in the field I would just keep working the field with the baby strapped to my back except that the work I do wouldn’t be in a rice paddy but on a computer. And that people would be like, “oh my God you’re a mom?!” and I’d be like, “yeah I’m having this conference call while I breastfeed, whatever!” Instead of— because if I ever tried to take a call it would be like, “Ow! Good God he’s screaming I’ll call you back.”

We bought, like, an expensive Scandinavian bouncer because I read that this is so good and it doesn’t have a toy and I was like, he won’t need a toy, he’ll have his imagination. Then we bought a $19 one on Amazon. One where it’s like: spin, elephant! Spin! Beep Bope Bop. Do this. Do this for five minutes.

Mom: Amazon. Didn’t have to go to Denmark.

13. Desire to choke slam to frustration to fulfillment and reward to this is the most meaningful thing I have ever done.

14. That’s a loaded question! You want me to list them? That’s a good question. I have to think about it. I think in the morning I’ve never had an issue getting up. Well I shouldn’t say that. I’m definitely tired some mornings, don’t get me wrong. When the alarm goes off I get out of bed. I need to be productive and efficient and all that, all those good things in the morning. I think there’s a lot of: okay I have to get this done, I have to get this done. I think efficiency is an important word although that’s not an emotion. I guess worrying about the day to day stuff— getting everything done. Getting lunch boxes packed and backpacks ready with everything they need to do and I think a lot of that falls on Mom. My husband is very, very hands-on and I know I’m lucky in a lot of ways. There’s just a lot of dads who aren’t anywhere near as hands on as he is, but trying to always get things done— I feel like I’m always worried about doing that.

I like the time to myself in the car in the morning. On the way to work I really don’t mind that time because it’s a half an hour of quiet time kind of. I like to listen to music and kind of get myself psyched up for the day. And then during the day I think I’m so busy that it goes— it goes fairly quickly. And then when school’s over you’re thinking about all the things you have to do like after-school activities or things you have to do to get ready for dinner and then it’s like getting ready for the next day: laying out clothes and all that kind of stuff. So usually by the end of the day I’m completely exhausted. But I look forward to seeing my kids in the afternoon. I think that one of the perks of being a teacher is that I do kind of get the best of both worlds in a sense that I am able to spend a lot more time with my kids than your average full-time working parent who’s got a City job or whatever. But I do look forward to coming home to them at the end of the day and hearing about their day. That’s an exciting part of the day for me. But it is an exhausting day, for sure. And then trying to worry about feeding everybody and shower time and all that stuff. So I hope that answered the question.

15. From tired to tired. That’s pretty much it. In terms of one of the things I’ve learned about motherhood: that self-care, getting enough sleep, exercising— which was never one of my things. I’m really bad about that and very up and down. But I just recently discovered Pilates and it’s lovely. I think even you might really like it. It’s the reformer and it’s a good workout but it’s lovely and they’re not emotional terrorists and it’s just nice. They’re really nice. It’s just very manageable and I just love it. I look forward to it, I enjoy it when I’m there and I feel good when I leave. So I’ve tried to make that a priority to go 3 times a week. It feels so good; it feels good to my body. I don’t feel creaky.

Anyway, in terms of the one thing that I feel often is tired. It’s not that I’m not getting enough sleep. At the end of the day, and this is actually a little difficult for me because my natural circadian rhythm is from— without children? Well this is one of the things that I miss—

I do my best work at night. I love working at 3 o’clock in the morning. That’s when my creative juices are flowing. Left to my own devices and without kids I would sleep from like 3 to 11 AM. That would be my sleep time, which obviously is not viable with children. I have these ideas and I’m like, oh I’m gonna work on that after I put the kids to bed and then it’s like 9:30 and I’m dead to the world. But I can’t go to sleep yet. My body will not— I can get in bed, I can be so tired— but I will not be able to go to sleep until midnight or something. So I miss the ability to do that because I think I did good work that way— better work— but I think the fatigue— okay I’ll answer the real question.

I really do feel— and this was a surprise to me about being a parent because I really didn’t think I was going to be the really— you know you’re going to love your kids and it’s going to change your life for the better and whatever but I didn’t think I was going to be this person who loved motherhood so much. I love the moments of discovery or interesting conversations with them or singing them a song and seeing it comfort them. That stuff is so awesome to me. So that’s pure deep heart joy that I don’t know if I would have anticipated was my style.

Frustration? I really don’t get angry. My older son can be defiant— just so ridiculous sometimes. Or my younger son even who was the best baby ever but now is very willful. I don’t get mad, I’m just like, “come on, man, can we just go? Can you just get it together?” I say that to them I’m like, “I don’t have time for this” and sometimes it’s effective and they’re like okay she’s not buying it. I don’t get— the way the pediatricians say, “you can’t engage you can’t get riled up because they’ll prefer positive attention over negative but negative attention over no attention” that’s great for me because I have like one tempo and it’s pretty chill. I don’t get riled up. I’m like, “okay we’re going to need to go to your room now and we’re going to be late but no skin off my back.” But it’s more just like, come on, can you just be an adult? And the answer is no; the answer is no, not yet. So, frustration I guess.

For the most part I don’t feel like— and it’s partially because I work and I have a nanny— I’m not with them all the time. I would not be good at that. Being a full-time mom takes a very specific skill set that I do not have. I think it’s like any other job: there are certain things that I won’t be good at. I think I’m a really good mom, I really do. I pat myself on the back; I think I’m a good mom, great mom. I love the way I parent in so many ways but I would not be a good full-time mom. But I think for the most part I have generally positive feelings about motherhood and it’s probably partially because I can spend part of the day at a computer interacting with adults.

I think one of the hardest things about motherhood especially if you’re a stay-at-home mom is that it’s so constant. Any other job that’s constant— and I’m not sure if any other job is as constant— because it’s also the stakes are different. It’s not that they’re higher; they’re different. When I was in banking I was attached to my phone at all times. If someone sent me an email at 3 o’clock in the morning that was urgent it was my responsibility to respond. Which is crazy. Clearly I’m asleep. But I had two phones: one was for work and one was my personal phone. And if I got up to go to the bathroom and I saw an email from my manager and saw that she needed a Powerpoint presentation for 9 AM I would go up to my computer and create it. It was constant. But it’s different. First of all I didn’t have kids at the time and second of all, even when a role like that is constant it’s so frustrating to not be able to get away from it. So I think it’s true of anything that feels constant. And that is also I think they’re different. Because your detachment like “I fucking hate my boss” instead of like “oh this is my life forever.”

16. Oh my God everything? That’s why I think when you said— what was the first question— what word describes motherhood— insanity? It goes from loving insanely to being insanely angry. You go from happy to frustrated to annoyed or sentimental. It’s everything. There’s a meme that’s like a woman always has like 27,000 tabs open; we’re like a running computer, right? That’s what it is because we’re doing so many different things. That we feel so many different things. It’s because we’re so busy, you know?

17. Like, “oh my God I love you so so much” to like frustration and anger to guilt for feeling that way. Like generally I generally feel content with them. I get angry; they fight a lot at this stage. And of course then I have guilt. I always have guilt: am I spending more time with one than the other? Am I doing this or that? That’s a great question and probably the toughest one. I don’t know. It’s just— I go through a bunch where I’m like super happy, I love my family and everything’s great to then they do one thing that makes me go through the roof and then I really guilty that that happened. Then I feel really guilty that I want to spend time away from them. I feel like I’m not soaking it in. I feel like I should be more appreciative. Like, my younger son, all he wants to do is talk. We’re on a car ride and he’s talking the whole time. I want, like, two minutes of silence. Sometimes I think I’m parenting for the future which is not a good idea. I know there’s going to be a time where he doesn’t want to talk to me; he’s literally going to say nothing to me in this car and I’m going to be wishing that he would have a conversation with me but that doesn’t really help me right now. Like, I know it’s coming; I know that he’s going to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and he’s going to be like, “hey, Mom, fine, yeah” and I’m going to be like “no! Tell me about your day! About everything that happened! Ask me questions!” And he’s not. But I feel like I can’t appreciate it as much now as I should. So that’s guilt.

Like when they say: you only have 350 Saturdays until your kids are 18. I get like anxiety when I read that because sometimes we don’t live our Saturdays to the fullest. Sometimes we’re just sitting around for half the day and I haven’t gone to, like, the farm with my kids and whatever. I’m just like let’s go play in the backyard for a little bit. You read those Summer lists of like things you should be doing with your kids: 25 things to do with your kids in the Summer. I’m like I think I’ve done maybe, like, 4 of them by the end of the Summer.

18. Um, well let’s see. Now that my daughter is 6 it has changed a little because obviously the emotional lability of a 2 year old is so intense that I think as a mom you kind of just have to be sarcastic and laugh at their tantrums because they are so ridiculous. But then as your kid grows, and their conflicts with peers, and feeling left out in social circumstances and stuff become a real feeling that you can empathize with or maybe you have yourself, that becomes part of your, like, general thought process. I’ve tried to stay calm in that. And I get really obnoxious around 7:30 when bedtime starts to approach because there’s usually a point in the day when I’ve just had enough and my fuse is short. I’ve actually started telling my daughter like, you know how you get irritated when you’re over-tired, Mommy is over-tired. Just so that it’s like a little warning like I might yell at you. You’ve caught me during summer camp so these last 2 days have been very relaxing; I have a lot of free time.

Bedtime is also when they come out with all sorts of things and it’s like now you’re telling me this? And sometimes it’s like, to stall bedtime, but sometimes it’s real emotional stuff. Like the doorknob questions to your therapist. And it’s hard when routines shift for everybody. I do 90% of bedtimes by myself because my husband gets home at 9 o’clock or later most nights so we’re just kind of in our routine and yes I’m irritable but I just know how things need to work. So when he does randomly get home early and happens to be there: I feel guilty because Iam simultaneously so happy that she’s going to get to see him because sometimes it can be days during the week when she doesn’t, and I’m also irritated because bedtime is totally messed with. And the routine is off and she’s going to bed late and she’s cranky the next day. It’s hard.​

19. Probably from exhaustion to frustration and then, you know, when I’m with my kids just pure joy. Even when they’re getting on my nerves sometimes I just look at them and I’m grateful. I think that I go through extremes almost every day. It starts with exhaustion and it ends with exhaustion and everything else runs between.

20. I am in such a good place right now that most days I feel happy, fulfilled and full of love. However, I am also a worrier by nature— I think it’s in my genes— so there are definitely times where I am also feeling worried, stressed and anxious.

21. I feel mostly pretty happy. I mean that’s me anyway, like I ride pretty high? But tired. Occasionally it’s like the tired that’s like— I feel like I can say this because I have been hit by car— where it’s like UGH I just feel dead; how am I going to get through this next hour? And yeah. I thought I would be, like, annoyed at him but it’s not. It’s interesting. It’s like extreme love and elation and like extreme tiredness where I could just nap for days. And sometimes, I’ve had in the past few weeks a little bit of that, like, anger towards my husband but not really because it’s not his fault; but I’m just like oh it must be nice to be able to go to work— to be able to separate and not worry for a second.

22. I think I’m pretty steady. I don’t think I’m particularly exuberant and I don’t think I’m particularly depressed. I’m very happy. I feel happy.

23. De la tranquilidad a la incertidombre.

24. I feel so many. I think I cry so much more easily about things I wouldn’t have cried about before. But a lot of times like happy tears but just generally emotional. I often feel really proud of my kids and all the things they’re doing. I get frustrated. That’s probably a top word— just general frustration. I have a lot more anxiety every day. I worry a lot more. I think that’s it. I mean overall I would say I’m really happier but in terms of— but there’s so many highs and lows.

25. Being on leave I would say definitely— right now it’s tough too because I’m still postpartum— I would say guilt is like an overwhelming one: just trying to make sure that my older daugther knows that I don’t love her any less. My husband does the drop off at school during the day in the mornings and there are times I’m still in bed because I’ve done like a 3 AM feeding or I’m currently feeding the baby and it just feels— I don’t want her to feel like the goodbye in the morning is any less— or I don’t want her to feel like I’m trying to push her out of the house or I don’t want her to feel dismissed in any way. And then I would say guilt, a little bit of loneliness now that my husband is back at work. I almost don’t like hearing how his day is because he gets to tell me all the people he spoke with, like all the things that he did, and he’s like what did you do today? This. This is what I did today. I tried to get to the grocery store but she was screaming so much I knew I wouldn’t be able to go shopping and, I, yeah brushed my teeth at 11 and I’m going to take a shower at 10 o’clock tonight hopefully when she’s sleeping. So a little bit of lonely. But then also. Yeah it’s just crazy because I’m so happy when my daughter gets home. I do feel like it’s a little bit of a roller-coaster right now. Like I’m happy for 5 minutes and then she starts behaving like a 2 and a half year old and I’m like go back to school. I was great, you were being so good for 10 minutes and now I want to kill all of us. I want to burn this house down. Yeah it’s a rainbow of emotions. But yeah I’d say overwhelming is like guilt but also I’m grateful. Just crazy, apparently. Just crazy.

When my mom is like, “is the baby sleeping better?” I’m like she’s an infant: she’s the dictator of the house I don’t know— no she’s not sleeping— she went 4 hours last night instead of 2 and a half. Great. I’m not putting any money on that. We’re all sleeping like shit. I want to murder everyone. Stop calling me. “Well you have to get her on a schedule.” Kill yourself. Okay, she’s seven weeks old she doesn’t have a schedule.

26. Let’s see. I think I go anywhere from like at my wit’s end to I don’t know how to describe it. Just like – to like literally heart bursting with love. Which I don’t actually think are opposites.

​27. Thinking back: a huge shift in emotions. Up and down and up and down and sideways. You know from extreme happiness to extreme concern and worry and feeling inadequate and feeling concern. Huge concern. Not knowing how to calm a baby down or a son down. Huge concern. I guess I haven’t changed all that much. Another thing is your hormones are going crazy because after you give birth your hormones are all mixed up and that really does complicate things and so on.

That’s it for today.

Coming up: What is the most rewarding thing about being a mother?