Once he knew I was going to record myself reading these posts my husband was ON TOP of buying a cool mic that looks really profesh. Here I am about to record this very post. L’Chayim!
Question: What has not come naturally to you as a mother?
The hardest thing for me is letting my kids be kids. I have such high expectations of all of them. I don’t know if it’s because they were all super verbal very young and so I always assumed they could understand way more than they actually could? But it’s also things like— playing with their food, talking too loud, acting crazy, whining, saying Mommy a hundred times. There are dozens of completely normal, completely acceptable things they do every day that I don’t have patience for. But that’s really not fair— I recognize that. They are kids. Their job is to be kids and experience the world. If they can’t do science experiments with their food now, when can they? Wouldn’t I rather they call my name a hundred times per minute than someone else? Mentally, I understand this. But it doesn’t translate to life as much as I wish it would.
I’ll tell you something that really doesn’t come naturally to me and I think it’s strange because I think in my friendships and relationships I’m not this way at all. And I think it’s a big flaw and sometimes I think maybe my mothering licence will be taken away— I don’t know the word exactly. It’s the intersection of compassion and patience. The convergance of selflessness, understanding, tolerance, and maturity. It’s the moment where my kid gets that look on his face like he’s about to blow a gasket and grabs the barstool to throw it on the ground. It’s the moment where my kid refuses to try a bite of banana, the only fruit he’ll eat at all, because today he doesn’t like it but I’m afraid his insides are turning into a Cheez-it. It’s when my daughter struggles with something in her homework and whines or even genuinely cries because she just can’t quite get what she has to do. It’s my little one flat out refusing to stay in bed long after bedtime when I’m exhausted and the day has been interminable and all I want to do is sit on the couch with a glass of wine and some candy and refresh social media a thousand times. It’s all of these times. Why, in those moments, can’t I be the composed and affectionate mother I’ve seen and read about? That’s the mother I wanted to be. I’m not that mother. In those moments I’m sarcastic and obnoxious. The things I say are repellent. The attitude I have towards my sweet, innocent children is childish and immature but I can’t stop. I can’t be different.
Not totally surprisingly, things that came naturally to some moms did not come naturally to others: discipline, organization, playing, transitions, patience, selflessness, affection, balance. For some these qualities are instinctive; for some they are elusive. Some things just don’t come naturally to anyone: breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, knowing the right answer, knowing what to do in a given situation. Breastfeeding might be a biological imperative but most of the moms I know must have missed that TED Talk because— holy shit— it is not intuitive. Maybe newborn babies mircaulously know how to shimmy up to the right spot but about 65,000 other obstacles arise shortly thereafter.
No one seems to know what to do with their exhaustion either. Motherhood— not just early motherhood— is marked by constant sleep deprivation, constant alertness, constant stimulation and p.s. hormones like whoa. Forever. Every mom is completely and utterly debilitatingly drained.
Another universal? No one knows what to do in any given situation. No one knows the right answer. People who write books about the right answer are, as I think we all know, full of shit. That’s why there are 75 million different books about sleep training, introducing solids, bullying, raising sons, raising daugthers, raisings twins, raising siblings. All of it. I think maybe there aren’t any right answers. Something that works for one kid doesn’t work for another child in the same family! It’s a sustained state of uncertainty and when you’re in it it’s overwhelming. I was comforted to know that no one knows what they’re doing— that we’re all essentially winging it.
The answers:
1. Um. How to discipline. How to discipline in a way that is harsh yet from a— I don’t know. How to effectively discipline without instilling fear. Hold on let me Google it.
I almost want to say how to effectively discipline in a positive way where it’s firm but also shows empathy and respect.
I just thought of another one. The hardest part. Sometimes when I parent I sound like my parents and I’m trying not to turn into them.
2. The organization. Organization is not natural to me. I drop the ball constantly it feels like and yeah. But luckily I have a kid that just kind of bounces when Mommy drops the ball and forgets— it’s pajama day at school. I live with constant mom guilt. She’s very good about it. She rolls with it.
3. I think, you know, playing on their level is not something that comes naturally. There are some mothers who genuinely love playing with their kids. They love it. They want to be on the floor with them and they love playing with them and maybe it’s my age. I don’t know. But there’s certain things that I’m really good at. Like, they know I will sit with them for two hours and color and paint and do anything creative. I’ll build with them. But when it comes to, like, getting really, really messy— that doesn’t come naturally to me. And I have two boys. You want to do an art project? You want to build a robot? You come here and we will get that thing going. For hours I can do that stuff. But, you know, when they’re like, “you take the He-man—” not He-man they’re not 40. “You take—” you know, whatever— “you take this and you pretend and you say this—” I don’t enjoy it. I don’t want to sit on the floor. It hurts.
4. What did not come naturally to me was how every new transition— and when they’re babies you know how fast things change— every transition to me was an application of effort, especially with my first. It was an application of like, am I doing this right? Sleeping— getting my daughter to sleep— I did it better the second time around but my daughter had no chance. I had a baby monitor and she would go, “eh, eh, eh” and I would launch to make sure she was alright. She didn’t even have a chance; I had no idea. And then it came time to like, sleep train because I had done it all so badly, and that was, I’m sure, more traumatic for me. But she was wily and she would do things like stick her fingers down her throat to make herself puke and she’d pinch herself to stay awake. I did a little better with my son and then I didn’t use a baby monitor because I’m a light sleeper. He wasn’t three miles away and I kept the door open. If I could tell you the charts we kept for my daughter— it was bananas.
5. Everything. I don’t know if it’s coming naturally or not. I think for me it’s kind of hard to differentiate between situations that are, like, good for your kid versus the easy thing to do. So, for example, summer camp. It would be really easy to keep my daughter at her preschool all summer: she knows it, it’s familiar, it’s easy for me, it’s easy for her, there’s no transition; but is it good for her to probably try somewhere new? I don’t really know. She’s 3. Does she really need new experiences right now? She’s already doing drop off that’s great; she’s gonna be doing longer days. Does she need it? I don’t know. So I feel like that part doesn’t come naturally to me because I don’t really know what’s good for the kid. And I do feel like there are people who have degrees in early education that probably do. There is data that says one way or the other, hey, if you expose your kid to drop off things or new situations earlier in their life, then it’s gonna set them up as transitions keep happening. So— so anyway it’s stuff like that I really struggle with: what’s good for them, what’s not good for them. So she is doing another camp and the one at her preschool to give her another experience. And it’s the same thing with my son. I was only going to send him to the preschool when my daughter was going but is it good for him to probably have a couple more weeks of maybe going someplace without his sister? I don’t know. He’s only 2, but, like, maybe? So maybe I’ll just do it. So it’s stuff like that that I feel like I wrestle with so much and then I do it or don’t do it and then I feel good either way because the outcome is probably fine. And you look at it and you’re like, why did I stress about that so much? It’s an extra two weeks of camp for my son; it doesn’t matter either way! Just make a decision, you know? So I think it’s just stuff like that that I just am always torn on.
6. It still doesn’t. Patience. I have to work very hard to be patient and kids require it. That’s definitely something I work on. Just trying to put myself in their shoes. A little bit. Fighting against the I know what’s right for them because I do know what’s right for them but sometimes there’s room for compromise or a different point of view. And this is not just as a parent this is just in general, like, I think I know the way of the world and you’re going to have to work really hard to convince me otherwise. That’s what comes hard to me. When I’m dealing with children and I’m trying to mold their little lives sometimes I have to have their input too. I know that probably contradicts what I said before but it’s an ongoing rechecking of that balance. Because when they’re very little they don’t know anything but I have to learn that the scales are going to tip. At some point their opinion is going to be important. They are going to be formed, they are going to have personalities, they are going to have things that are important to them and then my will is going to be lower so that’s going to be very hard for me.
One thing. I used to go to this mom group. And I loved her. She was fantastic. I remember she always used to say, “you have the kids you have” something about, “your kids help you heal the parts of you that aren’t healed,” like, “your kids challenge you in ways that heal the things that you didn’t even know were broken” and it’s so true. I’ve always been self-centered. I’ve always had this mentality like me, me, me, me and now I have these two people that are like, “I need you to help me” and are like, “I’m different. I’m different from you and you’re going to have to work with that. And I’m different in a totally different way and you’re going to have to work with that.” It’s just that they’re pulling out of me some of the things that I didn’t know I could have. And I’ll tell you, you can probably tell I’m a huge perfectionist, like, perfectionism is my thing and I’ve always kind of been, like as a perfectionist, you probably know this, one of the downsides of being a perfectionist is you don’t like to ever demonstrate failure or weakness, right? And so that’s the way that I was. And so in my job, in my life I’ve always done really, really well: I’ve always been very smart, top of the class, always excelled but usually only based on my natural talents. Anytime I had to work hard to do something I would be scared that somebody would figure out that I didn’t know what I was doing so I would try to hide that. It was a lot of very weird stuff. Then when I became a mom I was like I can’t fuck this up. I can’t hide here. And that’s kind of what brought about this whole transition into having other people help me, thinking more fluid in terms of where I am now, where I want to be, where my kids are now where I want them to be. They really changed me completely and this thing that she said turned out to be correct. The only way I could have grown as a person in the place where I was when I had kids is by having kids. There was no other way. They’re still teaching me. I can tell. My older daughter is going to continue to challenge me and my younger daughter is going to continue to show me the love in the world. These kids are made to heal all the things that were wrong in me. I know that’s a very self-centered concept but it’s the way that I see it.
7. So I think, you know, when you read these books about parenting and discipline— that sometimes is a little bit harder because, you know, I already feel bad that I’m not around so that time that I have with them I want it to be precious and I want it to be fun and I want it to be filled with love and I know that I have to discipline them and obviously I do but I don’t want that entire time to be defined by this mother who goes to work and comes home to lay down the law. And that’s difficult because, you know, you don’t want them to run riot and so you’ve gotta discipline them but you want them to have this positive bond with the mother that’s not necessarily there the whole day. So that’s probably the challenge. And I think now, too, as my older daughter gets older, it’s funny because now I’m that person on the train who’s reading like, “How to Talk to Your Kids so They’ll Listen” and people are probably thinking: wow, she’s got issues at home because— for that exact reason— because I just want to choose my words so carefully and I want to make sure that the way I react is planned in some ways. The whole thing is very carefully— because I don’t want to come home in a screaming rage being like: why haven’t you done your homework? It’s bath time! It’s bedtime! And for awhile I found myself doing that. I’d get home and then I was overwhelmed because I’m like oh my gosh they’ve gotta do all these things before they get to bed they have to brush their teeth they have to do this and they have to read by themselves and they have to practice the piano and then actually that’s not really the quality time that I dreamed of and hoped for; that’s not how I imagined it to be. So I think that’s the bit that’s taking a bit more work is trying to be structured and firm but still keep that bond and keep that closeness.
8. As a mother. Let me think about that one. Well, like I said, I don’t want to be a Tiger Mom but I feel like I still can’t totally strip myself away from that because you’re influenced by your peers; everybody’s in private school yada yada yada. I think that my daughter’s private school is already a pretty laid-back school compare with some other ones but still you hear people, like, they’re having Kumon already, they have tutors, they have 10 activities going on; those definitely affect you. All of our kids are busy. My daugther is busy too. I just don’t know what is really the right thing. Should I just let her just play all the time? Or should I let her do something so she can figure out what’s her passion? I pick up on tennis again, since I don’t work anymore, and I really loved it because the little improvement you’re making make you excited, so I want her to feel the same thing. She’s not good at it; she’s left-hand so she’s not good at tennis, she’s not good at lacrosse but I hope she can enjoy the little improvement while doing this. So I try not to be, like, show me the result but try to let her enjoy the moment. So hopefully that’s the right thing to do. Again, I don’t know. Everybody is so busy so I schedule everything for her as well. I cannot, you know, not do it. And then also we’re Asian so we’re supposed to— you know stereotype: good at math! Good at reading! So should we at least keep up with everyone to be good at math? Because my friend’s kid— they’re doing multiplication, division already at this age. My kids are not. You know what I mean? It’s the sense of achievement for the mom. It’s not about the kids. Know when to stop. So many moms keep pushing them.
I want to be honest with you, I’m trying to avoid a lot of Chinese moms because they’re just too much about their kids. I like to hang out with my American moms because they have a life of their own. Especially, you know, everybody back at home they are maybe 10 times working hard than your kids and you’re like oh my God how can my daughter compete with them in the future? But then also in back of mind you’re saying: is that healthy? Do you want your kids to study? At this stage, literally, they’re already doing homework to 11PM every night at this age.
I don’t even check on her homework; I don’t know what she has for homework. Chinese homework I have to help her because literally the teacher is behind you and I got an evaluation form saying “Mother needs to improve on involvement.” Okay, thank you! We’re not coming back.
I think my daughter did pretty good; she did like 92 out of 100. I’m very happy with that. Maybe everybody else is 99 out of 100. I don’t care. She put her effort. She’s good.
9. Playing. Because I’m so spent doing everything else that it’s hard for me to just sit down and play. And that’s more reserved for my husband. So they’re getting it, they’re just not getting it from me always.
10. Ah, okay, yes. This is something we were just discussing last night. I don’t think I’m good at saying no to things. I’m not good at the very firm, not-a-good-idea, part of things. Some things with discipline I can— like when it comes to safety— like obviously don’t stick your hand in the oven or near the oven, things like that. I’m good about things like that. I’m good about saying, “no, you have to stay off limits from the stove, you don’t put your hand there, you don’t walk down the stairs with your blanket in front of you because you’re going to trip.” Things like that I can be clear about.
But when he pushes for certain things that he wants— if he wants a second of ice cream I will cave sometimes. And I am not good at saying no in those kinds of contexts. And my husband’s like we have to be, we’re the parents. And I’m like I know but it’s hard when you know you’re making a little person sad. I don’t like seeing him crying. I don’t like being the reason why he’s sad. So I struggle with that. And at the same time I know that he has to have some boundaries and some limits. I don’t know if I always express myself well when I’m giving him boundaries.
I try to explain to him why I tell him to do certain things. When we go for a playdate I say to him, “you have to play with the toys in the way that your friend wants you to play with them; you have to be respectful of your friend’s house.” I try to tell him those things but I’m pretty sure it’s in one ear and out the other. But I do try to get it in. But I don’t know that it’s fully heard. But I definitely think I struggle with the discipline part.
I’m also not a huge believer in the time-outs. I don’t know that they really work. I like his preschool teachers this year. They were really cool and one of the things I liked about them was that she would often say, you know, I don’t think time-outs work either and she would just talk to them and try to explain to them why something they were doing wasn’t a good idea. So that’s what I attempt to do. But I don’t think that my son would ever say that I’m a disciplinarian. You know he doesn’t see me that way. I think he definitely sees me as a little bit of a pushover. That’s something I struggle with. And I guess we have to get better at that as he gets older because it’s only going to be more push and pull as he gets older.
Sometimes our pediatrician will say to us, you know, you can’t reason with him you just have to make the rules. And she’s probably right about that. But I always find myself trying to explain and give a reason, because I always felt that when I was a kid, I always wanted to know the why of things; I thought that it was fair. So I kind of go into it with that approach. And maybe she’s right— maybe I’m giving too much explanation.
The times where we have done it where we just let him cry and we hold him and I let him cry it out he does return to a better state and then we are able to get through to him; but it is very tough to do. And it’s tough to experience that. So we’ve had limited success; we probably have to do more of that.
When he’s 18 I’ll probably figure out the best way to communicate with him that’s not going to, hopefully, upset him too much.
11. I have to let go of certain things like not over-worrying about a cough or, you know, if they’re not sleeping not like totally driving myself— you know— so I have to train myself like: it’s okay, these are little kids, it happens. All the kids grow up, everybody goes to school, nothing will happen when they’re in school. Otherwise I would be stressed out all the time.
12. Daughter: Breastfeeding was hard. I sort of had hoped it would feel very natural but instead there was like a parade of— just a blooper reel of— now he won’t do it, now it’s me, now there’s too much milk, now there’s not enough. Every time I went to the pediatrician I’d be like, “it’s still a problem and here’s the new one” so she was shocked I made it to almost five months. She was like, you know, “props.” So that was not natural.
I also had a C-section so from the beginning I was being really cautious about picking him up and so it did make me feel like everything that I did had to be strategized and cleared by a physician. I think that made that idea of sort of entering into this naturally hard for me because I was still recovering and I was being told like don’t pull your stitches and don’t do this. Yeah.
Mom: I think it wasn’t natural for me. I think the selflessness of giving up your life didn’t come naturally to me. I would say, “oh damn, I want to take a shower.” And that was difficult to get used to having another person sort of being the main focus of your life. I didn’t realize how much it was going to curtail on my schedule of life.
13. I am very conscious of not being hypercritical and micromanaging situations. But I think I run the risk of doing the opposite, which is sometimes not providing advice or guidance for scenarios that he would want help in. Finding that balance is not intuitive to me.
I also often forget how emotionally immature kids can be, most of the time he acts tough like a mini adult and then a benign trigger will expose his immaturity and I’m reminded of just how vulnerable he is.
Also, I’m not naturally physically affectionate with kids, it has taken me a lot of time to get comfortable with a child grabbing my hand or constantly wanting to be in physical contact.
14. I think it’s been tough trying to balance work, a full-time job, and having a family. I just feel like there’s not enough time in a day to do everything and, not to sound selfish, but I do think it’s so important that you take time for yourself too. For your own well-being. And I think just balancing all of those things is really difficult. The weekend is the time to go grocery shopping and laundry and all of those things and we still have activities on the weekend and I feel like sometimes it’s just a rat race and they’re so little right now and I know we’re only going to get busier and busier. So I think the balance is definitely the hardest part. I also find that, you know, I had a challenging class this year, and I think some days, because I spent so much of my patience at school, when I came home I felt like I was snappier. Not every day but— just definitely the balance.
15. Two things. One is sort of pedestrian and the other is more theoretical. So the crazy organization of their schedules. I’m a relatively type A person in business and working at a computer is where I belong. So you’d think that organizing a schedule for a little person would be just— To me if I didn’t have a nanny to coordinate where they should be and when I don’t know that they would be in as many activities. And I think that’s partially because I do work outside the home— well it’s actually inside the home— but aside from being a mother and that I’m absorbed already in the logistics of work/family time I’m like, oh this is nice. So on a Saturday, being somewhere at 8:30 I’m like that’s probably not going to happen. Or if it does, like, I’ll look like this. And as I have more children I think I’ll probably get better at it because it’s such a necessary thing to do to keep them occupied. But I would say more naturally what comes to me is, like, “it’s the weekend we don’t have any plans!” So that certainly— I have to self-manage for that.
The second thing is I think also related to being a working parent and I have not figured this out yet: I so value and want to be present for the joys of spending time with them and so I start my evening with them at 5:30 with them every day and that’s like my special time with them. It’s very frustrating though to not feel like I’m not the best professional version of myself or the best mothering version of myself by virtue of the fact that I’m trying to do both. I heard someone say recently that they don’t believe in balance they believe in boundaries. That kind of resonated with me because I don’t feel like it’s ever a balance; I feel like something is always out of balance. I’m either doing really well at this and not as well as I’d like to do at that or vice versa. And I think this does come naturally to me: I think to be generous with myself. I’m not a beat myself up type of person— like mom guilt or whatever— I try not to indulge in that because I feel like nobody is going to be the best at everything. I try to be as good as I can be at the several things I’m trying. And in terms of the boundaries— prioritize. Not say yes to things that take me away from the things that are my highest priorities. Say no. If I wrote a book it would be called, “Fuck, No.” I already have a plan for it.
16. What does not come naturally— in terms of motherhood? Being very laid back. I’m very— I’m not an anxious person but it’s not my style to be very whatever. Maybe because I’m a teacher I’m a little more structured; I’m a little more regimented with schedules and stuff like that and I sort of wish that I could be— I try. I work on being a little bit more loosey goosey with certain things but it’s just out of my comfort zone.
That’s a hard question. What doesn’t come naturally? We waited a long time to have kids; we were married for 8 years. I wasn’t old but I was older by society’s norms— all these norms that people have— I was a little older. I was considered high risk with my second. And I think I’m happy I waited because I wanted it more. It wasn’t like a total shock; I was ready for it.
I cut myself a little slack. I can’t beat myself up all the time. Because it’s easy to nowadays with social media and these expectations and these snapshots of these picture-perfect moments. Did you read— there was this article. This woman wrote how she was on vacation and she was watching this mom. She came to the pool, matching swimsuits with her daughter, all done up, hair was perfect, makeup. And she was by the pool for maybe an hour and the woman was saying how she watched them take pictures and pose, you know, for social media. But there was nothing, like, loving about it. It was staged. She didn’t play with her daughter, she didn’t engage with her daughter. Everything was just for the picture to be posted and the second she got her shot she wrapped up all the toys and everything and took the daughter back to, you know, wherever. And she wrote this whole, like: I don’t want to bash this mom because, you know, you don’t know why she did it. Maybe she gets paid to do it or maybe it’s her job or whatever but it’s like— she didn’t enjoy her kid. And you’re gonna miss that in 15 years when they want to go out and hang out with their friends. You don’t want to look back and say: I should have cuddled with them more. I should have spoken to them more. I should have listened to them sing, you know, whatever song 1500 times, you know? I don’t want to look back and say: I wish I cuddled with them more. You get caught up in the moment of life. But your life really is your family and your kids, right? That’s your legacy.
It’s hard. You were a person before you had kids. So how do you differentiate who you were and are and being a mom and being a wife and being a teacher and being a maid and a chef. Women are just the most amazing people because we literally can do it all and we do. We do it every damn day. It takes a village but sometimes I think that one woman is a village. Because we do everything. We are the village. But it’s just nice when you have those friends that you can call up and be like, “I’m going to fucking sell my kids and I’m going to put them outside and I’m going to sell them for 25 cents because they’re driving me crazy.” You need to be able to say it to one of your friends who’s not going to be like, “oh my God you don’t mean that!” You have to be like, “yes, bitch, I know. I’m there too” and it just makes you feel better. It’s a hard job. And it’s a lonely one sometimes too. Guys are just wired differently. They don’t get it. Not that they’re better or worse, they’re just different. It’s not a competition of who’s better at parenting, it’s just that they do it differently. Which I think is good— it’s a good balance. But the things that I worry about my husband’s like [shrugs]—And I’m like how are you alive? Because of your mom. Not because of your dad. Moms do it all.
17. It’s gotten better, but what did not come naturally to me was probably fitting him into my life. You know, you’re on maternity leave so everything you do is around your baby. But I remember going out with my friend for the first time and my son was probably like a month and we went into town. The stroller, like, went off the sidewalk, I’m trying to nurse him, and I left things— I was so flustered. I strapped him in the carseat—you know he was in the infant seat— so I put him right into my car but I never strapped him in. I got home— luckily I was just in town and it was a two minute ride, but I didn’t strap him in. Fitting him into my everyday life. Leaving the house with him. I didn’t go anywhere for months which I think led to me feeling out of sorts, whereas my younger son I had to. I had a toddler so I went right away. But with my first fitting in and doing things with him did not come naturally to me.
I had a much easier time with my second and knowing what to expect. I think, for me, the hardest part about being a mom in the very beginning was not knowing what to expect, not knowing when it’s going to end, not knowing if what I’m doing was right. I have this innate drive to make sure I’m doing things correctly and as best as I can. And I didn’t know if anything I was doing was great. With my second I was a little bit able to let that go. I was like: this all ends and none of this really matters right now whether he’s sleeping flat or in a this or in a that or in a swing. I remember thinking the unscheduled portion— the non-schedule was what was hard. And I just knew that my second would eventually get on a schedule so I was okay with it.
18. The hardest thing was sleep deprivation. Just getting through the periods of being up all night. Having days and nights turned around. And also just having to worry about the welfare of someone else all the time. Because I had my own anxieties to begin with but then once you have a baby it’s, you know, amplified, because you are not only worried about yourself but about this little helpless thing you’re responsible for.
19. That’s an interesting question. For me I felt like I was ready for motherhood. I lived my young years; I traveled. So I was mentally prepared for motherhood. I wanted it. I think I was probably unprepared for my husband’s lack of involvement. For instance when I came home with my son, my daughter was 2 and 9 months and my husband went back to work the day after I came home from the hospital. I’m like, I have a C-section, I have a soon-to-be-3 year old and a newborn sitting here and I can’t walk. You know? And I don’t think he understood the state that I was in? I was not healed. He needed to be home for a little while to help me out for a little bit? So I was unprepared for that lack of support. Or that he just didn’t understand what I needed in that moment. That I wasn’t able to function and care for two children yet.
20. Being patient. I am not a very patient person by nature, and kids have a way of testing patience and pushing buttons like no other! I have to make a conscious effort every single day to try to remain calm and patient with my kids, and while I can’t say that I never lose my cool, I can say that I am more patient now than I was before I became a mother.
21. I think the relationship part of it with my husband. That’s been work. We knew it would be work. Like I read all this stuff that was like quality of life for married couples goes down so much when you introduce a baby and then like especially if you introduce a second one within a certain— and so I was really worried about that? Our relationship has gotten stronger. It hasn’t suffered. But it’s effort to say things that aren’t just about the baby and to like let him have his space when the baby is crying and not be like, “I got it.” I have to think about it and not snap at each other when we’re tired kind of thing.
22. Feeding, diapering, bathing, everything really. Except holding her.
23. La paciencia.
24. I’m not as patient as I hoped I would be. I really have to remind myself not to yell. I thought I would not. I never really thought about it. I thought I wouldn’t yell or we could work it out. But I didn’t think that I would be that impatient but I am and I really have to work at it. For sure. Having children has pointed out that I am not patient and that I could stand to give people, not just my children but all people around me a lot more— I was talking to another mom about this and the word she used was grace which I thought was a really nice way to put it. And it’s true. And it’s something I work on really actively and it’s almost like a muscle memory thing; like if I practice being patient it comes more naturally: the more I am the more it works because it’s like a habit. If I can get myself into the habit of being more kind and gentle then it’s fine. But there was a time, especially when I was pregnant, when I was just yelling at my daughter. And I couldn’t— I was so frustrated— I couldn’t believe how mad I could get at this two year old. She was undoubtedly frustrating but, like, she’s a person; she’s two and there are definitely times when my husband and I will, like, tap each other out and be like I’ll take care of this. But even now with our son, because I have another person I’ll get less patient with him than I was with her. I’ll get frustrated more easy. It’s like stimulus overload: like the dogs are barking, my daughter is talking, he’s doing whatever he’s doing and it’s too much in my head and I lose it and then I’m like: sorry I needed a moment of not talking at me or whatever it is. It’s definitely a patience thing. That’s something that just doesn’t come that naturally to me that I really have to be active on.
25. I would say, for example, when my first was starting to be able to play by herself a little bit, but still needed someone else to stimulate her really, knowing what would be best for her in terms of play. I kind of blame that on, well, I wasn’t trained in education. I don’t have an education degree and I’m not a teacher. But just feeling like oh, you’re at the age now well maybe you’d want to paint or maybe you want to color. Like those things, yeah, I really did have to look, like, where developmentally— what should she be playing with that I’m not providing at this point. And it wasn’t until I went back to work and she started at daycare that I realized how much I didn’t know. Oh you should have been—not should have been necessarily but— I could have been exposing you to these things and I just didn’t— I don’t know how to play with a 7 month old. Really. That would also be educational at the same time. As opposed to me just making fart noises and letting you laugh. You know? It was that kind of stuff that I was like oh, you could probably play with this that or the other and I don’t have those toys yet. It was those kinds of things that I felt like I should have read more about and yeah. After her first week of daycare I felt like she was so different because she had been exposed to just, like, putting her hands on construction paper and things. I was like, I didn’t even think that that was like tactile things that you would need to experience. I’m sorry. She was only 4 months old, but I definitely saw a difference in her. And I was like, you were watching me do laundry is what you were doing for two hours yesterday instead of touching a fuzzy thing. So yeah, those things did not come naturally to me.
26. Discipline.
27. Relaxing. Being able to flow with it and to be calm. There. And that’s why my husband was so wonderful. I used to say he was the mother because he was calm; he was just calm. I know that when my son was a young kid as soon as I would hold his hand it would calm me down. His calm heartbeat would resonate with me. It would calm me down.
And those are just some of the things that do not come naturally to mothers. Can you relate?
Coming up: a real doozy: How has being a mother changed your relationship with your spouse? [insert wild laughter]
Mama Mader at Home 