Question: What do you want most?
Once people have kids they tend to be like: I’d throw myself in front of a bus to save my child. I have to be honest. I’m not saying that if push came to shove I wouldn’t throw myself in front of the bus, but thinking about it now? I can’t, in all honesty, say I’d willingly do it. I know that makes me incredibly selfish but I’m just too afraid to die. I want my children to live long happy lives and I want to live a long life to watch them be happy.
Two months ago, when I thought of what I wanted most in the world, well, yes I thought about the health and happiness of my children. Very vaguely. I didn’t know what it would take to make them happy, of course, but I knew that I ultimately that’s what I wanted them to be. I also thought about me. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be fulfilled. What would have made me happy before? It would have been great if my husband could have been home more. It would be nice to spend real, quality time together as a family. I would have loved to not have to run around like a lunatic shuttling my children around from activity to activity but also not to then feel incredibly guilty for not ensuring they were developing skills to put on their college applications.
In the past two months our lives have fundamentally changed. This global pandemic has disrupted every life on the planet. For me in the past two months: my husband has been home more. I’ve spent real, quality time with my family. I’ve had the most incredible break from shuttling my children around from activity to activity and I don’t feel remotely guilty because no one’s kids are spending this time furthering their resumes. I have the things I wanted— the things I thought would make me happy. And they do. I am happy.
So now with a new perspective and outlook on life what do I want most? I still want health and happiness for my family and for me. I want the coronavirus to pass us by and leave us unscathed. I want my kids to get through this with resilience and strength. I want them to return to their social, public, community lives carefree and untroubled. I want them to love school again. And I want the same for every child. I’m not super excited for a world where my kids succeed more than other kids because I had the flexibility and ability and resources and environment to help them through homeschooling. I think right now more than anything what I want is a world where children are not punished for circumstances beyond their control.
The answers:
2. There’s the cliche happy, healthy child and if everybody else goes with that I want to go with that. And happy, healthy husband. He’ll be offended if I leave him out. And happy, healthy me. Outside of that I would like for us to be comfortable enough and settled enough where we can go we can have adventures; we can spend more time together as a family and see more things— have more experiences. I read something this morning— some Oprah quote— of course it was— it was something along the lines of, “square footage doesn’t fill you up” and I really resonated with that. I have more square footage than I could ever imagine but it doesn’t fill you up; it’s the experiences. So. So more experiences. Together.
3. In what category? I have a lot of things. Legacy. I want to be able to, like, if I drop dead in a week I want to have left something behind that is somewhat meaningful that has helped people, touched people in some way, that my kids can say, you know, look back and say my mom did great work. My mom did something that— there’s a reason why she went to work. She had a purpose and a mission and it wasn’t just random.
4. I really want my kids to find a productive, happy ,healthy groove and to be close enough to me that I’m part of it or that I get to talk to them about it. I don’t have to be in the trenches with them but I want to see them fly and pull people with them. If I never had another car and had to take a bicycle everywhere— if I had that I need nothing else.
5. I want my kids to always feel like we are their biggest supporters and biggest fans and they can always turn to us no matter how old they are. I want them just to feel like we are so trusted and we are always on their side and we have this unconditional love no matter what they do. I want that when I think of the future of our family.
6. I want my children to be kind and resilient and grateful. And hardworking. One of the things— I remember when Steve Jobs’ book came out— when Steve Jobs was a thing there was this quote that used to fly around: “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.” And that quote pissed me off because anything, anything that you love takes hard, hard work. I don’t want my kids to ever have the notion that things are just going to come easy to them; they are going to have to work. I felt like when I was young I was naturally smart, I was naturally okay at everything. I didn’t really work hard. I didn’t start to work hard until I was out of college and I feel like I could have— I don’t know— I could have made more impact if I had done that earlier on in life. I want to instill that in the kids now: that if you want something you might be okay at it to start. For example, my older daughter is showing natural talent at gymnastics. Okay, well you wanna do gymnastics? Guess what – you have to practice every single day. You have to work at something or work hard at things. So hard work is very important to me and when he said that I was like, yeah you’re giving the wrong idea to people; this is not the right idea to have.
7. For me or as a mother? I just— it’s probably very selfish— if I had to prioritize anything I would prioritize their happiness over anything else in the world but most importantly and not that it’s within my control but I would wish that they would just be healthy. And it’s absolutely out of my control. But it’s all I could ever hope for for them. Totally out of my control and totally selfish. I could say “world peace” but I know that we’re not fighting for that every day.
8. Right now? What do I want most? I think that keeps changing. I can recall when I was little or up to 30 I always want to be the person other people want me to be because I care so much, I couldn’t accept failure. Keep studying so much to go to the best university in China then came to the US, whatever. Everything is how other people see me. But now— what’s the question again? Now I just what I want most is, well again, before I was hoping to find my passion, hoping to be the person I could be and now I think I’m getting there sort of now. I think everything sort of came together. I think we also heard about Steve Jobs speech; he talk about connecting the dot. So okay I put so much effort in studying to help build my brain. It helps me now because managing kids is not easy. Your brain needs to function, multi-task all the time. So that helps me as a mother. So then it comes to me, what else I was working on, public speaking. To be honest I started Toastmasters three years ago. I was kind of have my judgment about the program because a lot of persons in the program don’t know how to speak why do I need to join this program, learn with a bunch of people don’t know how to speak? But I was in the program 2, 3 years and it helped so much because you just need practice; all you need is practice and you can change. And same for the workout— you just need to keep going. So I think it all came together because you just put some effort in there and all you need to do is just try a little longer and you will find out the joy, the achievement through it. So I think it all came back together, put together that it helped me find my passion. I mean this job is not easy either because I never done marketing. And me and my partner fight so many times. I cried. I literally cried so much. And she doesn’t know. It’s okay. But I think I know it’s important to keep going because I’ll overcome whatever is not working until the moment it start to work. I don’t know if I answer the question.
9. I want my kids to be happy. And my husband, right? I want my family to be happy, to live their best lives. Everybody is going to go through hard times especially at school but I want them to be able to come out from it hopefully and not too scarred; just happy.
10. Another child definitely. I would stand on my head for half an hour; I would do whatever someone made me do if I could have that. I just think it would round things out so nicely. I think it would bring contentment. I think that would be the most satisfying thing to me.
11. For my children to grow up as good human beings. Kind and generous. I would love for them to go to a good college, but if they don’t at least they should be very kind and generous to people.
12. Daughter: I want him to be happy and healthy and I want to build a life that is— that works for everyone in my family. I want to take him on trips and I want to read books with him and I want to keep writing and I want my husband to like his new job and be happy in it. I want to meet other mom friends. I just want to figure out a way to piece it together. Maybe that’s not super articulate but that is what I most want.
Mom: Just health and more years with my husband and for them to have what they want. To be a part of my grandson’s life.
13. From life? I want to live— I can’t think of a better adjective— but a full life. I want to feel like I have leaned into— again, not to have buzz words but I can’t think of a better way to say it— every potential thing I possibly could and that I realize my full potential. I think that for me would be considered success.
14. Honestly? I think a big piece of it is just to have happy, healthy kids that grow to be happy, healthy adults. And have a tight family unit. I think you know that my husband’s parents split so that’s not lost on me that you really have to put the time and effort into your own relationship as well. But I think happy, healthy family unit and like I said, that they grow into well-adjusted children. I think that’s pretty much the most important thing to me.
15. Sleep in? What do I want most. I think probably what everybody wants most which is to live a fulfilling life where I have, for me, personally, accomplished things professionally that I’m proud of while being the kind of mom that I want to be and the kind of wife that I want to be and the best version of myself and the best version of my life? I’d really like a beach house? I mean yeah, fulfillment and happiness. And a beach house. Fulfillment and happiness to me but that encompasses the fulfillment and happiness of my family. And health obviously for the people that I love. Is that too much to ask?
16. Happiness and health. I don’t need money. I don’t need things. My brother is not a well guy. He has a mechanical valve. He, my brother, almost died like 9 times just from random shit that’s happened. So I think when you’re faced with that you look at life differently. My husband has never— he hasn’t faced major adversity. His dad does have dementia now so this is his first dealings with— My mom, she’s 75, she’s still sharp as a whip. I couldn’t imagine seeing a parent— and to see what he was. He was this tough, big, strong guy and, you know, the disease totally took him over. But still, he’s ticking! He’s tough. My father in law is badass like a tough guy. I say to my husband— you don’t know. To live— you have to live your life. If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything. My dad died and my brother almost died. It was a lot to deal with and you just appreciate the little things.
My brother came here for Thanksgiving and he was in the hospital a few days before he came and I was like oh my God he’s not going to come and he came. He fucking drove from Chicago to come here and I was so happy. Because all I wanted was just to be with— you know because I don’t have a big family— so my brother is the only thing I have besides my mom. So I think health and happiness. Because everything else is trivial bullshit: keeping up with the Joneses and who has the better car and you know the bigger ring or house or whatever. Your grave’s the same size. Right? Like, stay humble type of attitude. You have your health? You’re good. When I got really sick— it grounds you. Ask any person dying of cancer: what do you want? They want their health. They just want to be healthy and happy. That’s all I want. I don’t care about the other shit. I do like a nice purse or something I’m not going to say I don’t like that stuff. But when you get down to the nitty gritty, it’s the simple things. Life is simple. It is simple. People are odious creatures. People complicate stuff.
17. Honestly the thing I want most is happy, well-adjusted kids that grow into adulthood. What I want most is my kids to outlive me. That’s a terrible thing to say but it’s something that’s always in the back of my head that I think about I just want my kids to outlive me in the best way possible.
18. You know, I always want all the people that are around me that are in my inner circle and that I love to be happy and content. I’ve always been a person that just has a lot of empathy for others and sometimes it’s bad for me because I worry about them more than myself; but you know I want everybody in my family to be healthy and happy. It would be really nice if the world could be that way too but I don’t really think I have a lot of pull to make that happen. I guess I want to feel self-actualized and now that my daughter is approaching full-day school that’s kind of spinning around in my head a lot; because I don’t know whether for me that means kind of re-exploring my professional career or, you know, pursuing artistic things that I kind of always told myself that they were unrealistic as a job and now I don’t really need a job so maybe I should do those things because they make me feel good. I don’t know. I’m not sure. I’d probably be healthier if I could tell you.
19. For myself or—? At the end of the day I just want to be comfortable and healthy. Comfortable to me is not stressing. I feel like my husband and I spend a lot of time stressing about how we’re going to do this, how we’re going to do that. I want us to be comfortable where that stress and strain is not there. But, you know, again I think that I’m grateful. My mother always told me when her mother moved out she rented a room. And her mother told her to be better than her so she moved out and moved into an apartment with my dad. And then I moved out into my own apartment and now I have a house. So she wants me to pass that on to my children, you know, since we have a house that they have to have a bigger house and better. Maybe not feel the stress that my husband and I feel to give them what we give them. So yeah, I think I’m happy overall. I’m in a good place. But I’m still striving to be better. I don’t feel like I need to keep up with the Joneses or anything like but just a little more consistency would be helpful. We’re grateful: good health, we’re homeowners, we have two beautiful children, they’re doing well, they’re in great schools. You have to take your blessings as they come and I’m definitely appreciative of that. So I’ve been happier. Happy would just be the removal of the stress elements to have all those things.
20. Honestly, all I want is for my family to be happy and healthy. That is all I have ever wanted, and has been my one “wish” on every birthday since I was a little girl.
21. Just like happiness for my family and I want him to have what he needs and be happy and have love. I want to enjoy that with my family and my husband.
22. For my kids to be happy.
23. Verlos formar una familia y nos hagan Abuelos.
24. My initial answer was just, like, I just want to be happy whatever that means. But it’s almost like I just want to be comfortable. But I really just want our kids to be comfortable and confident and safe and happy. Those are a lot of things. It should be confident first because if they can be confident in themselves and learn to make good choices and be confident in their choices and trust themselves and I can see that then I know I will be more comfortable especially as they’re getting older. It’s not that I don’t want things for myself but I think I will be a happier self if I know that I will send them out into the world and I don’t have to worry every day that one bad thing is going to ruin their whole lives. And I think a lot of that comes from confidence and ability to make the right choices for themselves. My husband and I talk about that all the time. Because I have everything tangible and intangible so there’s nothing to want. So it’s almost like I want things to stay as they are or on the same path. That’s not to say there aren’t going to be bumps but just general safety, low drama. I think that’s what I want. A healthy life for me and my family.
25. Well, because of having the two kids, not that I didn’t want this before, but I would really like to know that like financial stability just in terms of their education or anything they would need in the future that that just wouldn’t be an issue. That money would just never be an issue. Because I would, you know, just seeing older kids in the neighborhood where they’re going to colleges and things like that it’s just like, I want every opportunity for them basically that money can buy. It probably sounds really awful and disgusting but that is honestly. And also because I was just so scared of all the things that could happen to them I would just want to know— this sounds ridiculous— that I could quit my job, for example, so that I could stay at home just to be like watching them all the time. With stupid stuff. Waiting at the bus stop. Walking with them to school. Obviously you can’t watch your kids 24/7. Emotionally that’s not good for you or anything but I would just want to know that like, yeah, I just— I just would want to know that they were safe at all times.
My mom said no to us for everything, all the time, it was always no. and we always had to get our own jobs whether it was like my sister and I were babysitting all through high school and then I worked through college. My brother was working at the Great Swamp Greenhouse through high school. She never gave us anything. But when push came to shove if we found a camp or something that we wanted to go to like a sports camp or when any of us got into college it was never a question, like, yeah you’re going to this school, don’t worry. It would just kill me if either of my girls were crazy smart and they got into some amazing college that I would have to say no, we can’t do that for you. Or like a program, like if it was a theater program, if it was anything and just having to be like no, you can’t follow that dream right now because Mommy and Daddy can’t afford it and there’s no scholarship. I would hate to have to say no to them. Because I feel like we do have a happy house. And I’m not worried about the laughter and the love that they’re going to feel from my husband and I. I’m more concerned about when it comes down to just like logistical stuff. Then again I also told my daughter that a fan would chop her fingers off the other day so I don’t know, maybe I terrify her. She’s gotta be afraid of me a little bit. Or at least the fan.
26. What do I want? I want to be healthy and happy and have my family be healthy and happy and grow old and see them thrive and I want to be a grandma and a great-grandma. And be healthy enough to enjoy it.
27. Oh gosh. That we should all stay healthy and well and live through this most challenging time. Deal with it in a positive way. I have to say I’m just – because of the timing of this— it just overwhelms everything. It puts into highlight how—what’s the word—how precarious everything is in a way that until now I’ve taken so many things for granted.
Coming up: Mom Talk – Part 13 – The Elevator Question
Mama Mader at Home 