Need something to listen to while you wait up until midnight trying to get a Fresh Direct delivery time? I present to you – Mom Talk – Part 4:
Oh, you’d rather half-read while you half-keep-an-eye-on-the-kids? See below:
Question: What has come naturally to you as a mother?
One thing that really came naturally to me was loving my children and caring for them as infants. I am so into the newborn phase. They don’t scare me the way they do other people. I love to hold them, I love to be with them, I love to nurse them and sing to them. Yes, it’s exhausting. I mean, it is so horribly, brain-meltingly exhausting. But I honestly don’t care. I would have a dozen more.*
Another thing that came naturally to me and still does is treating my kids like people. I have always talked to them a lot: narrating the day when they were infants (“now look what I have I have a diaper isn’t this diaper so teeny and cute just like you you’re very teeny and cute and I’m going to put this diaper on your tiny little tush but we can’t forget the diaper cream here comes the diaper cream! I hope it works! This rash looks very bad oh yes it does very yucky. Okay! We did the cream and we did the diaper and now it’s time for your shorts! Look what you’re wearing today – whales!” etc) and cooing and all the baby-appropriate stuff when they were babies (“oooh look at you you’re so clever! You knew I had that toy behind my back you’re just the most smooshygooshyitsybitsymostadorablecleverestbabyintheworld!) Now that they are getting to the school phase I talk to them all the time about things and stuff. They ask questions and I try my best to give them answers. I try to keep things age-appropriate but I don’t assume they don’t understand things just because they’re little. Of course this is a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I treat them like people who have the capacity to understand but on the other hand I think I expect them to understand things far beyond their years.
What comes naturally to moms? Sometimes nothing. That’s normal. Many of us don’t live the same life as women from days of yore. We aren’t born into a village and grow up in a village; we make our own village when we grow up. For many moms, the first time they hold their baby after birth is the first time they’ve ever held an infant. So many of the logistical and daily tasks of motherhood don’t come naturally. And even if you did somehow instinctively know how to put a diaper on a wriggling baby— I guarantee the circumcision care does not feel natural. Determining the appropriateness of the color of poop? Not natural. For many moms it’s feelings that come naturally: unconditional love (true for me), nurturing (true for me), protecting (true for me), loyalty (true for me), silliness (true for me), forgiveness (not true for me) and patience (not true for me). For some moms it’s structure and boundaries (nope), problem-solving (meh), sacrificing (mmmm not really), being laid-back (ish), playing (no), shaping them (yes) and feeling that maternal instinct (yes. sort of.) As always, it isn’t black and white.
*Can we be backtrack for a moment? I would have a dozen more infants. The infant stage comes naturally to me. But, God willing, they grow. They get bigger and older and more opinionated and more insolent. I love these humans— I really do— but I don’t think I could handle a dozen more personalities, a dozen more attitudes, a dozen more food preferences, a dozen more camp tuitions, a dozen more 1/2/3/4/5 year sleep regressions, a dozen more people asking me for things all at the same time, a dozen more fighters in the ring, a dozen more stories at bedtime, a dozen more toddlers going through a Blippi phase… you get the picture.
1. Hmm… Maybe that unconditional feeling of love? What comes easy to me? Eating their leftover food. Eating their leftover mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. That’s it. That’s really what comes naturally. That’s fair, right?
2. Nurturing. Nurturing, being there, and being loyal. I had a weird upbringing and so to start out being a mom was never something that I had to do. It was something that if I did do, great and if not, I’d be fine. But if I was going to do it, I was going to do it to the best of my ability, and being there for her is my number one thing that I have to do and I do do it well.
3. I think structure. Giving my kids boundaries and structure is something that came very naturally to me. We have a lot of rules but knowing what battles to pick. If my older son wants to do armpit farts around the house that doesn’t bother me; that’s not a battle I’m going to pick. I think it’s fine but that bothers other people. I know that. It doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is whining and bad behavior and being so spoiled and asking me for things all the time. I think problem-solving and setting boundaries is something I’ve been pretty good at.
4. Babyhood did not come naturally to me and I envy those people who did. I feel like middle school/high school is less effort for me. Like having to read to my kids at night— super didn’t mind it— but my kids still make fun of me because I’d be reading the book and then I’d be reading silently because I’d be getting into the story and they’d be like: hello?! And I like having the conversations about what was interesting in class today and doing sort of roses and thorns at the end of the day.
5. I would say I was surprised in how well I have that instinct about my kids and know my kids because it’s something that can’t be learned or read or prepared for. So when you read all those things about like, “Oh your baby will have all these different cries and you’ll recognize the difference,” I’d read it and think: I would never be able to recognize the difference in a cry; why would I know how to do that? But it’s things like that that I think is the natural part of being a mom for me and I would guess for everyone. But I was surprised in myself that it was those kinds of things or just like, seeing how they’re standing and knowing that something’s wrong or that kind of stuff.
And you don’t believe it. For me I certainly didn’t believe until I was a mom that I would ever have that instinct because, I mean, I never really liked kids. I mean I like kids but before I had kids I never had an interest in like, playing with kids all the time. I mean it just wasn’t me. But yeah, my husband Googled when we first had our daughter— he literally probably spent an hour or two Googling the correct way to give a baby a bottle. Because, you know, he just wanted to make sure he was doing it right and have the process you know. So there’s things like that, like best ways to give the baby a bath. There’s things you can do for that kind of stuff.
6. Saying no. I was a teacher for a few years after college and that experience, even though it was only 4 years, it really taught me a lot about discipline. And I read a lot of books on child psychology and all this kind of stuff even before I even thought about becoming a parent. And I think one of the things that was very evident to me, because I was teaching kids in high school, is how lenient their parents were and what that did to their little personalities and what that did to their sense of entitlement as high schoolers. So it was really at that point where I was like yeah, I’m never gonna have a problem saying no to my kids or having those hard battles. It hurts sometimes when you break a kid’s heart and you know you did it but I always think about: this is good for you in the future. You’ll like me when you’re older.
It doesn’t extend to the things, where, you know, as a parent, I will never allow my kid to do x, y, z; it doesn’t go that far. I had this whole thing about iPads and that all went out the window the minute I was like I just wanna have a nice date with my husband. Here you go— here’s your device. But overall I think there is, right now, a big movement or trend or just notion that kids should decide things and kids should have say in a lot of things that are way beyond their years and in some cases that’s appropriate and in many cases it’s just not appropriate at all and I just— I have no problem putting my kids in their place. And also other people that think that they can let my kids say things or do things in their place. I remember how idyllic my childhood was and I think it’s because I was kind of oblivious to everything. I would just get up and play with my friends and I wasn’t trying to change the world as a six year old; I wasn’t trying to revolutionize anything. I was just doing my job as a kid and when things became appropriate to know about that’s when I figured it out. Probably later than some. But I just feel like it added to an innocence in my childhood.
7. I think sacrificing comes naturally— more naturally I think to me than it does to my husband. I’m probably quite— I’m an emotional person— so I think that I’m quite sensitive and probably also a little too lenient with the kids because I think forgiveness and patience and all those things come naturally to me. I think what is a little more challenging for me is that tough love and that sense of encouraging strength and courage and independence because— and part of it is mom guilt— because I’m at work so naturally my base case is I feel bad because I’m not with you between 9 and 5 so in evenings and on the weekends I’m constantly overcompensating, right? And if somebody says, “oh do you want to do this?” I’m like no I can’t do that on a Saturday – Saturday is my day with the kids. And that’s a very natural reaction for me but I think for my husband he’s like, “no but you’re still you and you can live your own life and you should do these things.” But I feel like I live with this permanent case of mom guilt and I must maximize every moment that I have at home which means that things like going for a haircut or going to the doctor’s office or going to the dentist’s office— I’m like of course I have to do that with the kids but mine can wait, you know, so whether that’s a good thing or bad I don’t know but that’s definitely something for me that’s very natural and obvious.
8. I think I’m pretty laid back. I think I see a lot of moms— helicopter— there’s a new word it’s more than helicopter. There’s another new word similar to helicopter. But I think I’m pretty impressed with myself that I can sometime, not all the time, just stay back; let them figure out, you know, when I hear them fight I’m like mmm I didn’t hear this; they can figure it out. When my son cries— just cry it out. I don’t care; it doesn’t bother me. I’m not like, “oh, baby, baby let me figure it out for you.” I like them to figure things out on their own. They can fail. They learn from their failure and I feel like I can do that, which I’m a little surprised by myself, because I know my mom is a Tiger Mom. Even though she won’t admit it I feel all the pressure around academic— it was more academic back then in China. I feel like I was so pressured throughout 12 years, right? 12 years of study? So I don’t want that on my kids. I hope I’m doing okay with that; I still have some Tiger Mom side I know sometimes for sure. So I keep telling myself: let them figure it out. I know I’m not a perfect mom and I don’t know how to be a perfect mom so we’ll just all learn it together. I keep going back to that: let’s grow together, figure it out together.
There are still moments my daughter gives me a hard time. I don’t even know what happened, it’s time to get ready for bed. All of a sudden she just started crying, won’t let me know what’s going on. But the next morning she’s fine.
9. Managing all of their lives, their day to day, their scheduling, their meals and their caretaking even though I’m not there. Making sure they’re well-rounded. That’s really very natural.
10. I love drawing with him. We’re kind of a big arts family and I’ve always gravitated to those things, and we do find that it’s a lot of fun with him because it’s like our art world just keeps on expanding, because his interests just keep on expanding within that world. And we find that, like, this morning we woke up and he’s like, “Mommy, I want to draw with you.” So we sit down and we get out the crayons and I said to him, “What do you want to draw?” and he’s like, “What do you want to draw?” and I said, “No, no, I want it to come from your imagination.” So he told me he wants a cake on a table with a picnic table with flowers and an airplane. So my husband draws the airplane because he invites my husband over to draw that. I draw the people on the table. He draws the table. And we all make art together. And that’s a typical morning, it really is. Especially on the weekend when we have a little bit more time. Then when he gets tired of drawing, sometimes my husband will pick up his guitar and, like this morning, he was playing a song for my son and then he was playing a song for me. My husband is not a professional musician but he loves to play guitar and we have a lot of instruments in our house, so he’ll sit down and he’ll play, you know, “Brown Eyed Girl” for me and he’ll play a song from Green Day for my son and my son loves it. So we try to just kind of be free form about it and spontaneous and the art part of it and also reading. We like to read books to him a lot. And that’s always fun because we let him choose what he wants. And he picks it. He decides. And it helps him go to sleep at night; I read to him every night without fail, and that’s how he goes to sleep.
We usually land at around 6 books but some nights he’s just not tired and he’s having trouble winding down and it can go as high as 9, 10, 12. And some nights he’s so physically exhausted that he crashes out when I’m on the 3rd book. So you know, it’s definitely a case by case basis.
11. Just being a protector, you know? I’m very, very protective about them, that’s just like, I don’t have to try, like being careful about them.
12. Daughter: I think being silly wasn’t too much of a stretch for me. That was in my wheel-house. Even that actually took a few weeks because his humor was not— first of all he wasn’t smiling yet and second I was like wow, this kid really likes it over the top. I’m more dry in my comic sensibilities— But that sort of quickly evolved into being, you know, goofy and insane and realizing that I can just pull that out and that comes easily. And then I pull it out everywhere in public— just sort of anywhere I am —like all over. What about you, Mom?
Mom: You know, I don’t think anything initially came naturally to me except protective. I knew that this was a person that I was going to protect. But I remember my husband brought her to me after and I thought: what am I supposed to feel? I thought it was going to be like fireworks like how they would say it was like a first kiss and you’re supposed to have fireworks and I thought that would happen. And that didn’t happen. But I did know oh, she’s important and she needs to be protected.
13. I don’t know if this is exactly answering your question, but I feel like my parenting superpower is that I can literally completely tune out whining. Somehow it does not upset me at all when kids are whining about not having a good time. Although I consider myself a very empathetic person, in this particular category, I just one hundred percent feel it is not my job to make sure they’re having fun at all times. And in some ways I think this is empowering for them to realize that they can control their own happiness.
14. I mean, I think I tend to be on the more nurturing side, especially having been a teacher for 10 years now; I think that’s just part of my personality that’s innate. You know, I also think that from my own upbringing I think I’m pretty good at the balance between being firm and also being fun and, you know, loving and caring but not letting them get away with anything and everything, kind of.
15. I think being a caregiver has come naturally to me and I don’t know that I would have anticipated that. But sick children, for example. When my kids are sick, there’s nothing that comes more naturally to me than waiting on them hand and foot and trying to make them better; I don’t find that remotely— aside from being sad that they’re sick and sad for them— I love being in a role where I’m caring for a little human. And also the responsibility of shaping them. I love that. And the older they get and the more inquisitive and curious they get. I genuinely love the teaching: teaching the ways of the world. It’s a tremendous responsibility and I’m always very— if my older son asks me a question I’m like that’s an important question and my answer really matters. I’m very, sort of, careful. And that has come naturally to me. I’m not sure it’s come naturally to my husband.
16. Love. I want to just love my kids. I just want them to know no matter wherever they go in their lives no matter what they do that their mom loves them. And I whisper that in their ears every night, all the time, I’m like, “Mommy loves you” and my younger daughter just, she’ll suck her thumb and curl her hair she’ll nod like, mhm. They know. I just want them to feel it. Because I think sometimes— I teach middle school. It’s a rough age. They’re impressionable and I think sometimes when there’s that disconnect, like, you might stop— not loving your kids— but maybe the affection is there differently. Like, I cook for them and I take care of them and they have a house and clothes but I think it’s important to just feel the love. Not just to have things. I want them to just know. I kiss them and I hug them all the time. Because my parents weren’t very affectionate people. I think they loved me. They love me. But I think they just show it differently and I think that maybe I would have liked it a little bit more? More hugs or something as a kid. And I want my kids to always feel like they can hug me and kiss me. I just like to show them that love. I want them to always be able to come to me for anything. At all. They have to come to me.
17. I would say taking care of him felt like it came naturally. I knew what he needed. I’m very good at knowing what my role is and doing it so I felt like once I knew that that was my role— I don’t know at first. But I did love him so, so much so it did come naturally to just protect him and to always respond to whatever he needed. I had a very strong urge to always take care of him. If he cried or had a wet diaper or to make sure he was comfortable. That came very naturally to me.
18. Not much. For me, motherhood did not come naturally. I was the youngest child in my family so I had never been in a babysitting role much. I had always kind of been a caretaker in some sense like in relationships I was in. As a social worker I was helping other people so I guess I was kind of nurturing but there’s not a lot that was intuitive. I really wanted to breastfeed early on and it was a struggle. It ended up feeling great and natural but it was not intuitive to me. And also I discovered early on that my child was an extreme extrovert and I was an introvert so that took a lot of getting used to. She, even as a three month old, wanted to be out in the supermarket doing things and I wanted to be hiding at home. So—
19. I think that naturally I’m a giver and I want to see people happy so it came very natural to me to give them the best of me. It wasn’t hard for me to walk away from things to take care of them. It was very easy, like, I am at this age I want them. I’m ready to give them whatever they need without feeling like I’m missing out on other things. So I think all of me is what I was able to give them without feeling hesistant. But I’m older too. So if I had them 10 years before now it would be a different story.
20. Being a caretaker. I have a natural tendency to want to take care of people and do everything I can to make them feel loved and safe.
21. I think loving him? Which I know seems like an easy answer but I remember in my new moms group that I went to it was like all of our babies were born within a month of each other and I was like, “I didn’t expect that I would love him so fiercely.” And the facilitator was like, “If you’re in the room and you’re hearing that and that’s not your experience just don’t worry—” And yeah. I think that just came, has come, really naturally. And with that that sort of fierce love, too, like I will mess you up if you mess with my child.
22. I have to tell you, when my first was born I was shocked at how she could do absolutely nothing for herself. I mean I was absolutely shocked at how helpless she was because I had not had any experience with any other babies. I don’t know if anything really came naturally. Putting on a diaper did not come naturally. I had problems with nursing; I stopped right away. You know, holding her and kissing her— that came naturally, but not much else.
23. El amor.
24. I guess I’m good at— it is a lot of problem-solving— that’s how I feel the whole thing— not that every day there’s a problem, but it’s like okay— because you could have a routine but it’s not always the same routine and you just have to figure out how you can back into not just what you want but what works best. My best days, where I feel the best and I feel like I’m really doing a great job, are the days when I come home and I’m like: we did all these things and everyone was happy and it was fun. Or we did nothing and it was great and this started to happen but look at how we were able to fix it. I think that’s a lot of what comes naturally to me. I don’t like to sign them up for a million things. Because I’ve done that and I think I over-scheduled my daughter and I think she was a wreck and exhausted; and I like to schedule a lot of downtime but with that comes, like, not necessarily me entertaining them, but figuring out how to diffuse more things. Or like not just have the TV on. We usually watch 1-3 shows a day depending on the day and the weather. So I think what comes naturally to me is how to structure the day so that there’s a little bit of structure and everyone is happy but also has plenty of time so they’re not just rushing place to place. Because that’s when I feel like I’m always yelling like: let’s go! Do this! Or I have to ask her a thousand times. We talk about “getting her plays out” and then resting. And then making sure she eats, which is always a thing. So, like, a loose structure but with opportunities for her to make choices. I think the reason it’s all problem-solving is because that’s what happens to me in my brain, like, this is how we are going to do this. We’ll piece it together. I don’t know if other moms would say that as much.
In the beginning I read all the books— the ones that seemed to make sense to me— and she wasn’t sleeping through the night. What’s the one that’s so common? I don’t know, where it’s like: you eat, play, sleep is supposed to be the way it goes and she just wasn’t doing it. And the first 3 months were hard but it was, like, great. And then around 4 months— I was like alright we probably need to get a schedule because this is when everyone says they’ll start sleeping and this is when you’re supposed to start sleep training. And I re-read Bringing Up Bebe and we read the Tribeca Pediatrics book— I forget what that guy wrote— we read both those things, both my husband and I, and so in my head we were going to have this schedule that all these are other people have and it just like wasn’t happening and I was feeling like I was failing. And then, I’ll never forget, it was right around 4 months and I was exhausted because that’s definitely the mark where you’re like: I’ve totally lost my mind and I said to my mom, “I’m drowning and you’re not helping me; I’m trying to make a schedule.” And my mom is not a scheduled person ever and it mostly works for her. She doesn’t care so it works for her. Outside of, like, she’s always late for things but, like, whatever. So she got it but didn’t understand. I’d be like, “she needs to go down for a nap.” And like an hour later she’d be like, “well she was playing!” And I remember thinking: this is terrible. I’m not doing it right. I’m so tired. She should be sleeping and other babies are doing this and blah blah blah and, like, when I just listened to her and we had our own schedule and I fed her when she wanted to eat and whatever everyone was happy. So why don’t I just take this as advice but do what we were doing and somehow meld them and that was a real defining motherhood moment for me: when I was realizing I can’t read all the books and take them as gospel because that was going to destroy me and also when I realized you could either be a super structured mom and control everything or I could just learn to roll with the punches and just— oh, that’s what we’re playing today and that’s not going to work and it’s okay. Because when I do the structure I was destroyed. And I really felt that I was failing. But when I felt like, well we’re not gonna get to that place today; guess we’re ordering dinner or guess we’re not gonna do whatever it was— maybe tomorrow. That was like— I became a much better, happier mom. But again it backs into ability to roll with it but also restructure constantly: so we didn’t leave at 3:30; we’re leaving at 7. My only thing when she was a baby, because we lived in an apartment, we needed to get outside every single day. And it wasn’t that hard because we had to walk the dogs. That was the only thing that I was like that has to happen. Everything else we can just figure out. But she can’t and I can’t just be in an apartment just all day. No matter what. But that, I think, that’s when I became a more laid-back person and made motherhood more fun for me. And I thought— oh I thought I was pretty structured and type A but I’m really— I like things neat but I don’t need to be strict on everything.
25. I was surprised— I wasn’t surprised at how much I love my girls or how much I wanted to care for them— I was surprised at how I felt, like, intuitive, you know, when they’re this age and they can’t speak; I felt like I knew what was wrong with them or what they needed to feel better. Because sometimes you read that it is natural— motherhood and being nurturing and everything but I was surprised at how quickly I picked up on: this is gas, this is this, this is that and what they needed to feel better. Like a magic trick. Certain things did come naturally to me in caring for them. Certain things that I have to explain to my husband. I don’t know. If one of the kids is crying— how can I just read their minds and know that— I’ll say to my husband just go pick her up and he’s like, what do I do? I was surprised at how at ease I am with those things.
26. Showing affection.
27. I don’t want to say worrying, right? Loving I guess. And the beauty of having these people to shower love on. In addition I’m gonna tell you something. In addition to loving a husband it’s a different kind of love. It’s very special.
So there you have it: 27 answers to the same question.
Coming up (perhaps not surprisingly) — What does not come naturally to you as a mother?
Mama Mader at Home 