Question: You’re in an elevator with your kids and a pregnant woman who says that she’s due with her first child in a week. She asks for your words of wisdom. You’re getting off at the next floor. What do you say?
I’m not great at thinking on my feet. If someone asked me this question I’d probably just exclaim something totally useless like “Oh wow! Congratulations! So exciting! It’s not easy, but you’ll be fine!” Then I’ll kick myself because I’ll have wanted to say:
Prepare for the unexpected. You literally never know what to expect with kids. There is no such thing as a plan because kids and life don’t follow plans. You can have a contingency plan when things don’t go the way you expected, which will be most of the time. But your contingency plan also won’t go the way you thought. Motherhood is a bunch of unknowns. It’s known unknowns (will your child be a good sleeper? Will you be a yeller?) It’s unknown unknowns (you never thought to consider whether you’d watch actual human poop come out of a runaway toddler). It’s unknown knowns (you don’t realize yet that you’ll recognize the difference between a tired cry and a wet diaper cry). The one thing it’s not is known knowns (you can be 100% confident of nothing.) You cannot know what this tiny being will be like, feel like, sound like, grow up to be like, grow up to look like, or anything else at all. All you can do is realize that and prepare yourself to face the smallest and the biggest obstacles.
Take care of your body. You’re not eating for two. Yes, you are growing a child. Yes, you may nurse a child. But that doesn’t give you free rein to eat anything and everything you want and crave. Exercise and eat well. If you’re not in the habit already, get into the habit now. It will not get easier as time goes on to develop healthy habits. Maybe after the first kid you’ll bounce right back to your pre-baby weight and shape but maybe not. And maybe the second or third time suddenly the weight won’t drop off and you’ll be pinching rolls in places you’d rather not. I wish someone had told me to take care of myself better or I wish that I had believed the people who tried to tell me. Trying to develop good habits now seems like an uphill battle— undoing the effects of every bagel and ice cream I just had to have. It would have been a lot easier to prevent seven years ago rather than repair after the fact.
I didn’t ask this question to the first few moms. One mom mentioned that she thought I’d ask for advice and I thought, yeah. That’s a good idea. It’s funny because moms tend to hate unsolicited advice (doesn’t everyone?) But if someone actually asked for it? Moms overwhelmingly find as many different ways to say: it will pass; it’s a phase; it’s hard for awhile, but things will get better; you will get through this. Moms also say: don’t be consumed by guilt; try to enjoy it; love your kids and embrace them for who they are; love your baby; it’s not how it seems on television and Instagram; there’s no one right way to do things; sleep; take care of yourself; trust your instincts; ignore unsolicited advice; know that you can never be fully prepared; realize that you’re not failing and that it’s hard for everyone.
The answers:
5. I would say just really enjoy it, don’t be too hard on yourself, just know that everything for better or worse is a phase and that no matter what happens— whether you nurse or do formula or the baby is colicky or not that all the baby really needs from you is to feel loved so just to show that to the baby and everything else will just fall into place.
6. At any step of this process it will pass. The feeling will pass. When I went to this mom group it started because we were all nursing our kids. It was a nursing mom thing. Some people had trouble and we would talk about some of the trouble we were having and the key words were: this too shall pass. This too shall pass. And I think that new moms always need to realize that. This is going to suck. It’s going to be amazing. All of it’s going to just keep going.
7. It’s a rough start but things will get better. That’s what I’d say. I’d say one other thing. I’d say in delivery just remember: do what’s best for the baby. And I say that all the time whenever I see a pregnant person because— and I don’t know if it’s as much of an issue here— but in the U.K. there was a big emphasis on natural birth. And everywhere you go people are, like, trying to drill into your head whatever you do you should have a natural birth and you should avoid any sort of drugs. And one of the things that I struggled with a lot after having my first is that it didn’t end up being a natural birth; it was an emergency C-section. And at the time one of the things that I regret about that, even in the moment when the doctors were like, “your child cannot breathe we have to take you into the theater” I was like, “no, it’s because you’re not letting me sit on the yoga ball and letting me move around the room; they told me in my antenatal classes I have to be able to walk and you gotta let me sit on the yoga ball.” And I look back at the time and think, how could I be so stupid? But it was because they drilled this idea into your head and you lost all perspective. I’m like, actually I just want to do what’s best for the baby. It’s probably not as big of an issue here. But in the U.K. any time I came across anyone that was pregnant my only advice was, just listen to what the doctors say. Because the other thing that they go on a lot about there is breastfeeding and, again, you have a lot of women who just can’t and the amount of guilt they’re ridden with— it’s very hard to recover from at a time when you’re already not particularly strong and you’re constantly beating yourself up about that fact that somebody told you you shouldn’t take an epidural, you shouldn’t have had a C-section and you should be breastfeeding as long as you can. Of course that’s the idea but if medically you can’t for some reason— it’s okay!
8. You will have your moment but try to enjoy the growth with your kid. The first two years might be really hard because you might feel like you’re a cow, literally, a pump machine but everything will become later on the achievement in life and you will enjoy more. So just hang in there and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. That might be the thing I wish someone told me. I’d rather know. You and your husband won’t have a life but just hang in there. It will be better.
9. I’d tell her it’s going to be a little tough at first but then, they always change. So whatever hardship you’re struggling with, whether it’s reflux or lack of sleep— because that’s how you should go into pregnancy, is with the right expectation. It’s going to be a little tough but it always changes and always get better. I always say that to new moms.
10. I would tell her to not get consumed by guilt. I would tell her that there’s a lot of opportunities for mothers to feel guilty or bad about things and not to spend too much time in that world— to try to pull herself out of it. To just be present with her child. And just make the most of every moment with the child. Just to be present is so important. And just to enjoy the time with your child. Not to let that guilty voice go off in her head all the time. Just to live life. Be herself. Let her define being a mother for herself; don’t let other people tell her what her expectations should be or could be. Don’t let them put their expectations on you. Just be yourself. This is a small example but women have so much of that coming at them I feel. I feel as I get older they talk about things like, I think Gloria Steinam used to say, “you don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman in the working world until you’re actually in it and you’re being discriminated against and then you see it.” And she’s right. I found out I wasn’t paid the same as a lot of men in my field and it’s horrible.
I think that women have a lot of expectations put on them that aren’t really accurate or realistic from other people. I had a woman come up to me one time and say, “you’re small so you’re going to have a cesarean. You’re probably going to have one.” And I was like, “why would you say that?” and she was like, “well because you’re little and you know—” and to me the thought of a cesarean was not a great thought because I understood that it meant a lot of discomfort. And I know that’s okay, women have it, of course. But she immediately pegged me as someone who was going to need to have it. And my mother never had one and my mother was also petite. It has nothing to do with your outside body it has to do with your body internally.
So you get these people, they’re not even badly intentioned people. It’s not like the world is always mean. There can be plenty of people meaning to be kind or helpful but they’re not being helpful. So I think you have people coming to you with lots of thoughts and ideas about you and expectations about you that might not necessarily be accurate and I would just tell her to listen to her own voice and let her develop her own way of doing things and be a mother in her own right. And to kind of shake off the other stuff and just let it fall off of her and their expectations and their guilt and those things and just be herself. Just be herself. That’s all you can be. I think it’s hard to do. We all get caught up in it, and you do have to pull yourself back.
And also to tell her that it’s okay to take time— time out for herself without feeling badly about it. If she’s getting over stressed or over tired or burned out you do need a little bit of me time. And you just need to try to find ways to take it. Or say to your spouse or your significant other or whoever is on hand to help, you know, I need a few minutes. Just give me some breathing room. Just please cooperate with me and work with me and let me have my time so I can recharge myself.
I would also say not to get caught up in being perfect. There is no perfect. Just do things in a way that feels good and natural to her. I think that’s important.
11. Just to enjoy every moment. Don’t let one second slip away; it’s very precious. I think every day is beautiful but when I look back in those first few days are so good. I still miss, you know, kids touching you everywhere.
12. Mom: Enjoy every moment of it.* I feel with my daughter I wanted to go back to work and I kept wishing she would be older. Wishing— when she’s two or when she’s four or when she’s in preschool— and one of my biggest regrets is that I sort of wished away things waiting for something else to make life easier for us. So I would stop. Try to be more present in my life with my daughter and my husband.
What would you tell that lady?
Daughter: I’d probably give her my email address.
Mom: Say, “I’ll get back to you.”
Daughter: You know, for me it would be like: sing a lot, read a lot, remember that this baby is yours. He’s going to be like you and not like you in all the right and all the most annoying ways. And that eventually they sleep. Eventually they smile. And don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Mom: That’s a good one.
*I asked a follow-up question here: it’s something people say, “enjoy every moment” How do you respond to the idea that it is impossible to enjoy certain moments?
Mom: My perspective is looking back. When it was happening and she had a brain tumor and we were in the hospital for a month it’s hard to enjoy those moments or be present in those moments; you want to run away from those moments. Enjoy the moments that you can. When she’s playing or happy or you’re all well. I have a habit— I met someone once who does the same thing— of stopping at a certain time and saying: oh this is really a good moment. And I started it when she was about 7 and we were in Paris and we were walking. My husband was on one side and I was on the other and we were holding her hand and she was not quite seven in the summer and the weather was beautiful. And I started a habit which I do which is: I’m always going to remember this minute. And I have a whole list of them. Of consciously taking that. And I’m sorry I didn’t start it earlier than when she was almost 7. And those are the moments at night when I can’t sleep that I go back to: that walk in Paris, the Reber award- when she won the Reber award, her plays, my husband’s contacts in new york and having dinner with Norman Podhoretz at Commentary and meeting a Supreme Court Justice through my husband. These very special moments that I have because I consciously thought: I’m always going to remember this.
Daughter: I think that, to your question, you know, what about the moments you can’t enjoy? I think that there are moments that you have to survive but I prefer moments you endure. And those are moments you can look back on as moments of strength and that— you’re as a good mother in those moments that you endure as the ones where they’re so happy and they’re so successful and you feel very proud.
But there are other moments. So my friend gave me an example. She was holding her niece and she just cried for hours and there was not anything she could do. She didn’t know what was wrong. She said, “I just had to let her scream in my face for a few hours; and then at the end of the night my sister came home and said oh look there’s a tooth coming out.” She was teething. There wasn’t much they could have done to make that better. There are moments you just sort of have to endure and you’re not failing as a mother in those moments, you’re succeeding. Because you’re letting them feel their feelings. You’re letting them scream in your face which is, in a way, can be harder for you than it is for them to scream in your face. And that there are moments that you endure but those are valuable. They’re not enjoyable. They’re not moments you’ll replay. But to sort of bank them. You’re their mother because you let them scream in your face for hours and you can stand it. It means you love them even more than those who would just be like: oh it’s so much fun to be with you and then you cry— I can’t do anything for you! I’m handing you off. Although I’ve done that too. But I think there are moments you endure. They’re not worth nothing; they’re worth something.
13. I think I would say it’s been impressive to me how resilient kids are. It’s been impressive to me how much insight they have about themselves and maybe we don’t give them enough credit. I think given the unique circumstance of this situation, I don’t know if I can articulate this well, I feel like if we were a more traditional family you go into it believing that the harder you work at it the more perfect you can get it; but maybe because we were inherently given a “not perfect situation” it gave us the freedom to be okay with letting it be. Because of that it’s turned out awesome. In my mind it’s: recognize the boundaries of what you actually can control; try to have that recognition of what you can actually control. And since it’s such a small part of it, sometimes letting it be is allowing it to be as perfect as it can be.
I think if I thought this was going to be longer term then it would be harder to follow the advice that I’m giving myself right now. Then I would feel more compelled to nitpick over stuff that I know probably doesn’t make a difference but I think I wouldn’t be able to help myself. I almost feel like in some ways knowing that it’s transient allows me to have that perspective. To a fault of my own personality I think I would end up perseverating on stuff in retrospect—
Knowing that it’s temporary in theory should make it easier to not get attached but I feel like I’m already struggling with that. That hasn’t paid off or helped in the way that I hoped it would.
14. I would say that, you know, you’re never really prepared for everything that comes your way. Obviously its a good idea to educate yourself as much as possible and, you know, get different opinions on things. There’s no right way to do anything; there’s lots of opinions about the right way to do a million different things and you have to do what’s right for you and your family. You really, especially in the beginning, you have to go day by day. And to be honest I think there’s still a lot of that that happens with little kids. You make plans and you have to be prepared to change. I think flexibility is a huge thing with motherhood. You really can’t plan too much day to day.
15. Someone just told me their pregnant. She was like, “I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” And I was like, “you are!” and then I was like, “no! You’re not. No one ever is and that’s totally cool. You figure it out. It’s totally fine.” Honestly I wasn’t the type of pregnant person who read all the books, which is funny because I am sort of type A so you’d think I was trying to be fully prepared. I think I was just trying to roll with the punches about it and I feel like that served me, at least my personality, because rather than feeling like I had some expectations that needed to be fulfilled that then became a source of anxiety or something it was just like: here’s a baby.
Acutally some of the words of advice that are so simple but I’ve taken them with me – when my first was getting discharged from the NICU— he was early so he was in the NICU for 3 weeks— he was fine and is fine thankfully. But the doctor, his overseeing doctor in the NICU said as we’re literally getting strolled out of the hospital was like, “feed him and love him that’s all you gotta do. Feed him and love him.” and I was like that’s so good; it’s so simple. you don’t have to worry about them doing things on a timeline. People would be like, “oh, they’re 9 months old but they’re not—” and I’m like he’s not going to be 12 years old and not walking. It’s fine. It’s fine.
So anyway words of advice: feed him and love him, I guess. It was just so pure and simple from the doctor. I don’t have stringent views on parenthood whether you should breastfeed or formula feed or sleep train or not sleep train. For me it’s like you do what works for you. If that’s being super regimented, cool. If it’s not at all, cool. I know that’s like a movement to support all mothers which I agree with but I think it’s also just, to me, it’s like practical reality. Everybody’s doing their best. You’ll figure it out. Take care of him. Don’t be an asshole.
I do like being informed. I like knowing all the things, all of the options, what’s the right thing to do? Because that’s the other thing: I’m not an expert in this; someone else is. I do have views that I adhere to in terms of like, I’ll go to a website and if it’s like “How to Be an Authoritarian Parent” that’s not going to be my jam, right? But there’s one called Hand In Hand Parenting and I sometimes find their articles helpful in terms of things like how to handle outbursts or something. And I ask my pediatrician a lot of questions and sometimes I agree with what he says and sometimes I’m like I’m not gonna do that.
16. Trust your instinct. You’re the mom. Do what you think is right. I’m not going to say, like, “do this or go buy that” I think you gotta learn it. You can do it. I think that’s something people don’t say especially nowadays with social media and Google, right? There’s a plethora of knowledge out there and moms are always being questioned. “Why are you doing that? We never did that with you guys when you were younger—” Well you know what Brenda, who fucking asked you? Nobody asked you. You know, people feel very free and liberated to give their opinions to people when they’re not asked for. If somebody asks me— if I don’t know a person: hey you know what, you’re going to do a great job. You’re going to love that baby. Love your baby. Do what you think is the right thing. Because how the fuck do I know? Every kid is different. There’s no formula for raising kids. There’s no right or wrong way it’s just different. I think building up the moms. Stop making moms question everything, right? I feel like my mom’s generation I feel like they were tougher. They were tougher. They didn’t have, like, oh let me check to make sure she’s getting enough calcium or whatever. I was like, eh, have some chocolate milk you’ll live. I mean we all lived. We didn’t have fucking car seats. How am I still here? I didn’t have a car seat! My parents put me in a seat belt but I’ve been in cars with my friends when I was a kid and they didn’t even fucking put the seat belt on us. Or you go to the park and you’re standing on the swing and you try to purposely flip over? I mean the fact that I’m alive— The shit that we did. I mean I did some sketchy shit as a kid. If my fucking kids ever did it— I would chain them to the door handle and be like now you’re going nowhere. I know they’ll never get away with it. I know what goes on.
17. I would say my words of wisdom would be: it’s really, really hard and don’t feel bad that it’s really hard. Don’t feel like you’re failing because it’s really hard. It’s just really hard in the very beginning. I mean it’s hard the whole time but that to me was the biggest. I wish someone had just said to me: you’re going to feel like a failure and a mess the first few weeks because it’s so hard but everyone feels that way. Nobody told me that. I wish. I would have felt so much better if someone had said to me: the way you feel right now, that you feel so defeated— but no one said that to me. I would have said it’s really hard but it gets so much easier but don’t feel like a failure because I felt like a failure and like a terrible mother because it felt so hard to me. That’s what I would say. I would not give them fluff. I would just be like it’s okay to feel that way. It’s going to get better but it’s going to be really hard and you’re going to be fine. That baby’s going to make you crazy for months. You are literally going to have another human being attached to your body for months and you are just going to be a mess and it’s okay.
18. I tend to always give people advice about sleep because for me that was so formative in my early motherhood that I tell people just, I know it’s cliche people say try to sleep when your kid is sleeping and of course you don’t want to you want to do all the house errands and have time for yourself but sleep is really important for mental health so make sure you get it somehow. Ask for help so that you can sleep.
19. No one will know your children the way you know them and trust your maternal instincts. It’s God-given. I believe in it; don’t talk yourself out of it. Trust those maternal instincts more than anything else.
20. To be present in every moment with her children and to enjoy every minute because it goes by so quickly.
21. Enjoy it. You’re so like, “this is hard, this is hard, this is hard” and then it’s gone. Like the stage where he couldn’t go anywhere and was just sleeping and snuggling was so fast but it felt so intense. So yeah. I would just say enjoy it and be present. And I think people gave me that advice but I don’t think there’s any other advice that you could give someone that’s helpful. Maybe readjust your expectations.
22. I would absolutely say what I’ve said to my sister: there’s more than one way to do things. That’s my advice. There’s no right or wrong. Even a mundane thing like putting a diaper on. Or when your kids get older you just do your best. I’ve said that to many a person. Because otherwise you put yourself under too much pressure: oh I should be doing this I should be doing that or, “my husband, I can’t leave him with the baby because he doesn’t know what to do—” because there’s more than one way to do things.
23. Decirle que encomiende su hijo a Dios.
24. Go with your gut. Because I think that was really helpful for me when I was recognizing you can just listen to yourself not in an arrogant, close-minded sort of way but just trust yourself. My best friend told me that and I think that was valuable. Trust yourself. You know what feels right for you. And I think so many moms don’t because there is so much information and everyone does things so differently and it’s so confusing. Once you take that in as something that you should be doing versus another option it gets really overwhelming. Go with your gut and make time for yourself even though it seems so impossible and downright selfish make time for yourself whatever that is. For me it’s to exercise but some people it’s like shop, nails, whatever works I guess. But I’d say trust yourself and make time for yourself.
25. I would say, basically, don’t worry about what everybody else is telling you: other older women in your life or even your other mom friends, like, advice or what you should or shouldn’t be doing because you’re going to know your baby very quickly. Whether or not you recognize it. And if you’re really scared, call the pediatrician because they don’t care. But yeah that was the most irritating thing for me was hearing from parents and grandparents and even neighbors who have kids who are already teenagers or whatever hearing like, “oh, when my son or my daughter— we tried this—” Just don’t. I don’t want to hear the suggestions. I appreciate it, but if I really need some help I’ll call the doctor. That kind of stuff. That’s me personally. Drove me nuts more than anything else. That and I’d also probably tell her about her nipples because nobody told me. If no one’s told you yet: breastfeeding is really hard. And I would tell her to download the Tiny Beans app which has been a savior for us. It’s basically like baby Facbeook kind of. It works wonderfully.
26. Nothing will ever go exactly as you want it to so don’t expect that. And enjoy the moments because although it sounds trite and some of the days are years you have to enjoy them even—I don’t know— even the chaos and the crazy feelings and try to take a step back every now and again to appreciate it.
27. Try not to worry too much. That’s me, what can I tell you? And realize how lucky you are to have this time of life and remember that it doesn’t last as long as it feels that it’s lasting. That’s the other thing you feel that every minute— every stage is going to last forever when they’re little and it really doesn’t.
Coming up: Mom Talk – part 14 – What didn’t I ask you?
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