Question: Are you happy?
I will admit “are you happy?” pre-pandemic and “are you happy?” post-pandemic look different. We’ve been socially isolating for 2 months now. Am I happy? I mean yes. But I’m sad my kids can’t be with their friends and teachers and I am very aware that no matter how much I try they are not going to be as prepared for the next grade as they would have been if they had been in school this whole time. And I’m distraught over the kids who are simply unable to keep up with school work whether it’s because their parents are working or they don’t have a computer or internet. And I’m struggling to understand how we as a society are going to rectify the massive inequalities that are emerging as a result of this pandemic especially for the kids. I’m so sad for the kids. I’m anxious about the future. I’m scared to get too close to my friends but I am desperately missing them. I am worried. I am confused about what the world will look like when we go back into it. And then I feel a tremendous sense of guilt because I am in a position to feel all of these feelings and then close the door on them and fall back on happiness. Yes the world is crumbling around us but I have the luxury of staying inside and maintaining my health. Yes the future is uncertain but we are, for the moment, secure.
Am I happy? Yes, thank God. Are other moms happy? They used to be. I don’t know how their answers would be different now and maybe they wouldn’t be different at all. Moms base their happiness on so many things:
Happiness based on balance. Happiness based on gratitude and acknowledging good fortune. Happiness based on no regrets. Happiness based on acknowledging imperfections in self and life and striving for better. Happiness based on self-actualization and independence. Happiness based on achievement of childhood dreams but not contentment— wanting more. Happiness despite hardships and challenges. Happiness despite not having the life you imagined. Happiness based on good relationship with partner. Happiness based on gratitude. Happiness based on children but still striving to achieve the life you imagined. Happiness based on living life goals but fear of what now? Happiness even though there are other feelings too. Happiness based on satisfaction with life— not feeling jealousy or envy for someone else’s life. Happiness based on accepting the life that unfolded. Happiness despite envy and what if.
The answers:
1. That’s a loaded question. In many ways yes, but I’ll always play the what-if game. In most ways yes. But I’ll always play the what-if game.
2. Mhm. Yes. I can say that I’m happy. There are other things that go on in my life that I’m not happy about but motherhood is not one of them.
3. Yes! Oh my God. I have so much to be grateful for. I was having lunch with a friend of mine who’s the same age as me in the city. She’s turning 40 this year and she’s like, “you know I’m so depressed I’m turning 40” and I’m like really? You are beautiful you have beautiful children who are healthy and doing great you have a great marriage you are very fortunate financially you have a lot of opportunity and options and prosperity. You have so much to be grateful for turning 40 and you have so much to look at and be proud of and, you know, there should be no reason to be upset turning 40. And then I got it out of her that there was a little piece missing. But, for the most part, I look at my life and I’m like— I have everything and more than I could have hoped for and yes, I am happy.
4. Um, mostly. Like I’m an optimistic person and my gestalt is happy but not universally happy, you know? Not every minute. Not about every thing. Like, I read the newspaper and I want to dive under the deck and I feel super unhappy but I’m happy right now talking to you.
5. Yeah. Yeah I’m really happy. I think I feel really lucky I found a really good balance between working and being with my kids and I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe someday I’ll have scaled down at work or maybe I’ll take a break or whatever, but right now I really like my job; I like what I do and it really allows me the flexibility to still do drop off if I want to sometimes or pick up when I want to or be home during the day if I want to or get coffee on a Tuesday morning. So I really love that most of the time I feel like I have this good balance going. I feel like the kids really do feel my presence, like, I don’t think that they think I’m absent during the week at all. So yeah. I wouldn’t change anything. I’m really happy with where we are and I really like my husband and our relationship.
6. Of course. Absolutely. I am so lucky. It’s really, to me, a matter of gratitude. I am beyond— in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined that I would have this life. And I have a very regular— like I’m in sales— I have a very regular job. My husband has, you know, in our circles he’s like a big deal, but we both have regular jobs. We live in this nice town but it’s not like, you know, we’re not like changing the world. Maybe my husband is changing the world a little but we’re very regular people and I feel like we’re comfortable. We don’t have to worry about feeding our kids; our biggest problem is where are we going to send them to summer camp. I am the luckiest person in the world. I have no complaints about any of this. I am very, very lucky and I think as long as I keep seeing it that way I’ll be happy. I think once I start thinking about: well, I wish I had this, I wish I had that then maybe I won’t be happy. But I’ve been completely blessed.
7. Yeah. I’m happy and I’ll say I’m also always feeling that I’m so far from perfect and so far from being where I’d like to be or what I think I ought to be doing. So I probably view myself as a failure every day. But a happy one. A happy one in the sense: I know I’m doing my best— I’m reassessing all the time and I know I’m trying to do what I think is important and what’s important is redefining all the time. But yeah, I’m definitely happy. I don’t have any regrets as such. Always things I feel like I can do better.
8. I would say yes, especially now I find my passion I’m happier. Because at the beginning of the year or last year I wasn’t sure because I think we’re moving but I couldn’t figure out what I can do there so I have my doubt. But now I figure out what can keep me busy. Also independence sort of from my husband because I never really wanted to rely on him. So I have my independence; I’m happy. And the kids will be with the Dad so we’re happy. Maybe we have a moment later on in life so come back to me in 6 months.
9. Yes.
10. I am. I mean, I want another child. So I don’t know if it’s the difference between happy and content, you know, I would say that I’m happy but I’m not content. I do want that other child to round things out. I want my son to have another child to play with and to do all the things that kids do with their brothers and sisters and I just want him to have another reference point besides his parents and his nanny. I want him to interact with children more too and that’s why we try to schedule a lot of playdates. But when you are a mom of a single child you are spending a lot of time playing and you do want to see that shift over to time that he’s spending with other children to play. So I do want to have that.
But I would say that I’m happy in a way that I always wanted to be and I never knew— it was never a guarantee to me that it was going to happen. When I was a little girl, my father and mother of course always talked to me about, you know, you’re going to be married and have kids and this and that and it was always this distant dream. In my twenties and thirties I was working in the city and I had broken an engagement when I was in my late twenties and I had some bad experiences with guys and there was a couple of let downs that had happened. Actually two engagements broken that were smart to break. But I felt time ticking and I was worried that I was going to run out of time. So for me it was the biggest joy finding out that I was pregnant and I actually didn’t know until I was four and a half months, fully. But it did, it filled my whole body. I felt so much happiness coursing through my body the moment that I found out. It gave me the chills and I was like yes. The universe just said yes to me to this one thing that I’ve wanted my entire life. And it was the happiest, happiest moment. Beyond getting married, beyond any of that. That moment when I found out pregnancy it was like a giant yes. The universe was cooperating in a way that I wanted and it was so satisfying and so I want another one. I’m happy but not content.
And also, beyond wanting another child there’s obviously other things I want too. We want to get a dog and we have a couple other things on our list that we need to get or that I think that would be good for all of us. I think pets are good for kids too.
11. Oh yes. I’m very happy.
12. Daughter: Yes. I happen to be going through a lot of changes. I also left my job. We’re also moving. So I’m feeling a little bit overwhelmed right now by everything that needs to happen with the baby but I wouldn’t change anything. I still laugh a lot and smile a lot and he’s the main reason why. I’m scared of him but, you know, fear is a kind of happiness too, right?
Mom: You know, my motherhood now is really mostly gone. Except for supervising. I’m happy with my husband. I’m getting old so I have to face all these hard things and health things but on the whole in my life, I mean, I want to get rid of this house. But I’m happy with the most important things in my life. I’m happy, yeah.
13. It’s interesting you’re asking that. Unrelated to this 2019 has been a hard year for me and I feel like I was really pretty unhappy between 2 and 4 or 5 it was a pretty tough time. My brother was like, “are you sure this is the right time to do this with everything going on?” Most of the unhappiness was sourced from work stuff. And I was like, “you know, I actually think maybe because of that it’s the best time.” I feel like number 1— I didn’t want this work drama going on to compromise anything else. It had already taken so much sacrifice and had depleted me in so many ways that I was like I’m not willing to let it compromise this other thing I’ve really wanted to do. I also feel like it forces me to have perspective. It forces me to have something else in my life that reminds me of what actually is important. And so I think I would say I am happy and there is no one thing that can cause that to be happy or not but I think that this experience has actually helped that for the most part.
When I’m having the worst day at work or, you know, feel like my whole company is falling apart, my son doesn’t give a shit about that. He doesn’t know anything about any of that. And there’s something really freeing about that. It’s like oh right this is like all in here. All of this unhappiness—
14. Yeah, I would say so. I feel like ultimately I always thought of myself as hoping to be a stay-at-home parent and that wasn’t in the cards for us, which is fine. I do feel like I have a fairly well-rounded life. I think I have the best of both worlds being a teacher and being off in the summertime, like, I kind of get to do that a little bit but at the same time I have a job. I do think mentally I think it’s a nice thing for me to have work sometimes although I said this year was really challenging and that did, I think, affect my family just in the sense that I think I said I didn’t have as much patience; I was more tired, that kind of thing. But I think overall, you know, I have a well-balanced life. I have a partner that really shares a lot of the work with me. He’s a good dad so I think our relationship is good. Like I said, I wish we had a little more time to ourselves but I think that’s just part of the nature of this stage of the game with little kids. Overall I would say I am.
15. Yes I am. I feel like I have— and this is something I’m so grateful for— again I don’t take credit for this because I feel like it was something I was somehow imbued with at birth— I feel very fulfilled almost always. And I think I would feel that way if I lived under a bridge. I have a very— and I do feel like this is a gift because I do know so many people who feel tortured on a daily basis and I hope that’s never me— I am really grateful because for the most part I feel really good. Even when things, situations, and they’re have been plenty of those where I’m like— that sucks— growing up, through marriage, through whatever. There are difficult things all the time. For whatever reason, and again I don’t know what I did to deserve it, for the most part I’m like: everything is going to be fine. It’s all good. So yes. And probably therapy helps.
16. Yes, I am.
17. Yeah. I mean yes. I don’t— yeah. I’m definitely happy. Sometimes I think could I be happier? But then I wouldn’t know what to tell you. I mean could I be happier if I traveled to Europe more this year? Like— yes.
18. Yes. It depends on when you ask me. Yeah, no, I’m pretty happy. It always feels like just when I’m comfortable and happy that some big change happens. But that’s just life. But right now I feel pretty content, yeah.
19. I’m happy with my children. I’m not where I want to be in life so I don’t think I’m happy with myself. But I’m happy with my family. You know? I am very happy in that way and grateful because I know where I come from. So I have definitely ascended from where I come from but I’m not quite where I want to be. So you know I have mixed feelings on that.
20. I have never been happier in my life.
21. Yes. Yeah. I feel like— you know I used to always write my goals. I still do. I feel like I’m living inside them now, which is really cool. And it’s also sort of unnerving because I’m like— now what? But yeah. I’m like wildly happy. Couldn’t be happier.
22. Yes. I’m happy with my life. I’m very satisfied with my life. Of course there’s days that I’m angry. Of course there’s days that I’m sad. But by and large I’m happy. I don’t wish I was somebody else. I don’t wish I had something I didn’t have— not just material, just anything.
23. Completamente.
24. Mhm. Yeah. I am. I think before I sort of struggled to find a career that really suited me. I didn’t love always what I was doing or I’d love what I was doing but I always struggled with the bureaucracy and the things you’d have to do in order to get ahead and you’d have to think about yourself a lot. Not that I don’t think about myself but I was always on a team and that really worked for me, like playing sports and that feel of being on a team and working hard towards a common goal with other people. And jobs just aren’t like that because even when they are it’s your life so you have to get ahead and sometimes you have to step on other people and I see why good people do that and it didn’t work for me. So I always thought I’d find a great career and be a part-time stay-at-home mom or like, find a way to work some flexibility in so I could do the things but I always wanted to stay home for at least 6 months and for whatever reason I had that in my head, like, 3 months I could just see it. Even before I knew anything about it, it just seemed like not enough. So I did and I was going to go back to work and look for another job. I was like, I don’t want to do this. Even the jobs that I was looking for that felt right I’d go on an interview and be like— it wasn’t there. I didn’t have the drive or the passion or the enthusiasm that I would have had a year prior. So once I really settled in to accepting being a stay-at-home mom and what that meant and stepped back outside of what I thought I wanted if I looked at my day-to-day I was— I am and was really happy. The things that made me unhappy weren’t being a stay-at-home mom, they were more like the transitional things. Moving was really hard. Just the adjustment of identity. And once I recognized that I realized, well, I’m really happy so why am I not feeling really happy? Because I really like what’s happening so I had to marry my life to whatever mental image I thought had or hadn’t been there. Whatever plan. And again that goes back to me recognizing that I need to just relax and recognize that. But I am. I am really happy. I don’t know what life I pictured, though I guess, theoretically, I grew up 15 minutes away: this is not all that different than what I would have pictured. But I mean I couldn’t ask for anything better. I feel really lucky. We have two healthy kids, we have this really great house, we have all these nice neighbors. We’re safe. That doesn’t mean that person is happy. But I am actually. And I think that’s why I can be kind of relaxed about things or feel good about it. Because everything thus far has worked out so nicely that, I don’t know, I’m sure it’ll work out again, whatever it is.
25. Yeah I’d say ultimately I am. It’s hard. I feel like, again, this is just stock answer but it’s easy to just slip into envy when you see social media stuff: oh this is what their life is like and maybe what you want— certain wants versus needs— but I think yeah. I’m happy. I am. And maybe this is unhealthy but I’m a happier person with my kids than I was without them. Certainly. My first child definitely opened up something in me that probably wasn’t there before. This is going to sound so silly but I tell this story like how funny it is how, much we take for granted. The first time she was on her play mat and she heard a noise and looked towards it and developmentally she was at a spot where she knew to look towards a noise and obviously her hearing had been tested, she could hear, but she didn’t know enough to look towards a noise and it was amazing and I was like: she is a genius; this is incredible. And then I realized how much B.S. we don’t even consider or think about. And seeing her experience things makes me so happy and makes me so happy to be alive and to be with my husband and to have these kids. I’m grateful for all of that. So I’d say yeah I’m happy. Ultimately.
26. Yes.
27. Yes. I feel very, very happy. Very, very lucky. I cannot tell you how lucky I feel. I have the best family in the world and the best daughter in law, the most accomplished. I don’t know how. The best mother for my grandchildren that could ever be. So yes I feel very, very lucky.
Coming up: Mom Talk – Part 11: What is the most impressive thing you have ever done?
Mama Mader at Home 